a lEttEr in filE

Blogging has been kinda tough lately. It may be because i have no thought or emotion that lasts long enough to do anything with it, to take a part in it, or to write about it. I've questioned myself a few times wondering if i would ever be the kind of a person who actively like to reveal past relationships to others publicly. I guess this is the part where i'll tell people a little bit about myself, my L-life. The matter has taken over every aspect of my life and my now-a-day personality - it has been inevitable. Mostly, when matters happened, I'd never debate how open i should be about it, even with those whom are closest to me. I apparently don't want what to be said just to be what spoken out to inform everyone, and then said no more. But, the situation here has been too cruel for me to contain inside, and that keeps urging on me earnestly trying to end my curiosity, and thus i feel as though i need to post the below letter for a REASON. After once, twice, and triple time of reading, i realised those thoughtful intentions, speeches & commitment were made and spoken out in a very wrong time being - irrespective of the above reason. I mean... i then miswrote, i then misunderstood the whole situation. So this seems i have a pattern here in an effort to note down a self-reminding remark and to leave as a recorded document of my ill-timed moments.
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There you read an eight-months-ago-written-and-sent-letter :

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"...If i am not wrong, i have not replied to you two emails and three times offline messages. I am doing alright here with my own way of life, just to let you know. How about you? How have you been doing in Cambodia. How's family and parents? How's everything there? I believe today is your birthday. I planned to choose today to talk to you as i have been so sure that i could never ignore you on this special day of yours. So here.... Happy Birthday To You!!!! All the best of lucks to you as well as your family, especially your parents. I hope they are doing great, healthy and happy as you wish them to be.

To be very honest, I do not loath you as you said. I've been instead thinking of you DAILY cuz i could feel like everything is still hanging around. Sometimes, I was happy because I was not able to think of you for the whole day, or maybe I was, but chose to ignore the thoughts. I'm beginning little by little to learn how to love myself and not entertain your presence. But, sometimes I still feel emotional and choose to think of the past and the good memories we had, even I know that it would worsen my situation.

Till today's date, it has been exactly one year, since the first day i hesitantly admitted my daring-love and instead got your false confession. Please don't get me wrong here for that i aim at blaming you by saying all this. If everything was meant to be true, that should be me to be blamed cuz i believe i had done something so wrongful to you while we were in that false love assumption. Frankly, i felt so betraying to your wish of wanting me to be your first-only-and-last love. I always consider time we did spend together as lovers is a close companion that goes along with me on my life journey. It reminds me to cherish each moment because, deep inside, i somehow could sense that it will never come back once again.

Destiny cannot be shaped or molded; even if it can be by some means, it's still a destiny of the destiny. So, there something has to be done between us, and we need to follow up. I'd like to apologize to you here for that i have been so long quiet. However, in order to have a relief outcome for the future, i need to have a break from the past. And for this i need a time. Yet, time and perspective have tempered my feelings, given me better understanding. And the fact that you and i are now becoming two complete someone(s) has turned this into something bittersweet for me, a chance to correct some assumptions, a chance for some redemption for both ends.

When i don't talk to you that does not mean i don't want the conversation nor to hear from you; from the deep down, i do, really want to converse. It is not because i don't think of you, because i do. It is not because i don't miss you, because i miss you already... Almost every day and every night, I fight this feeling, and i try as I might, but I can't win. It seems like, everything we've done and every word i heard from you since that last day you had admitted the fact, have captured my heart and my heart won't be able to escape from that grasp. And it pains me the most to learn that you can envision your life without me. It pains me to know that our supposed love has come to an end. It pains me to know that the love i have for you burns within that one day.

I strongly believe we have a certain destiny in our lives, and i'll be standing here to see how our story ends. I'd promise to you that i'll always keep in touch with you no matter what happens next, unless my life may circumstantially at any small chance ends. Here's my address just in case you will need for some reasons: '.........'

In a while, a long while, or a very long while, if you won't hear from me, i am here now begging you for an understanding. An understanding that i am still always be the one for you, the one that you so like but not love, regarding your valuations on me within your previous e-mail. I will always position myself this close to you until there's a man who could win your heart cuz then i know i will envy that only man, and give in. But, we'll be two someone(s) contacting each other still.

This far and up to now - i'd admit i still could feel you... i am still loving you silently alone. But, i will keep my promise to hold on to what i supposed. I just wish that somehow this heart of mine would learn to be contented - contented to be just missing you. Yet, so deep inside... there're many reasons i already knew as a stand block to not let this one side romance relationship working out fruitfully. It's not the miles that separate us, the moments do it all. Once again, Happy Birthday To You! May this great day brings you all of the possibilities you ever wish for...

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Take a great care..."

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So here i feel for myself: there was something which is one of the sweetest memorable experience of a lifetime, and now turns into a something which equals to a nothing here. Still, it's a lesson, a support, and a willingness to help me put my broken L-life back together into one whole piece again - and for which i will always be grateful.
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nEw yEar rEsolution

It's once again New Year, my Khmer New Year. Every year i come up with different innovative resolutions to get fulfilled. Some get accomplished, while some remain abandoned, and most of which - the hardest part - is the releasing of unwanted chronicle events. I sometimes find myself thinking about the history and memories, and the resolutions versus the possibilities of its outcome, and then there came a point for me where i had to stop conceiving all i'd been through, all i could be or become, and focus on just what was, what i could acquire the most - but when everything is said and done, these endless things still haunt me.
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I struggled then and yet i am still so hard struggling here. Two questions raised here are: why are those histories worth sticking with my memory? Why can it be not just a climax point to straighten out my life to be just 'for better or for worse'? I wish i had a set of answers for this!?!? The idea of letting go of the history has been continuing to be a very difficult task for me. Because of those distinct events, i have maintained myself as an obsolete someone, as someone who would be just a doormat, a someone who would get out there and have entirely different attitude about the whole thing from others.

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For now, i have started to walk my life with this blogging thingy again. I have come to a phase where i will start from a frozen point - a below zero degree. I have been by self nurtured to learn to live with those memories and history. I have yet no any anticipation of fulfillment that I can do anything with them besides moving them somewhere more distant from my day-to-day thoughts. I want they are just there, not within my reach (for my own sake), though not completely forgotten.

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So here, there's no more drama of New Year resolutions. The plan now is to just live, by allowing the thoughts and feelings acknowledge the cruel facts, but then stop before i dive into its misery. I don't want to deny, but i don't wanna let it consume me anymore.
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Goodbye resolution!
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loss in mE

I did spend quarter of a year prior the arrival of my coming-back-home wishing that my life was possibly settled. For a never-do-well like me, with the tendencies and issues that i have, the impressions of instability and chaos are so dirty hard to live with and work through. Ever since i two months ago made it once again to step on this city, Phnom Penh - things have happened and are happening...

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Passing through the very late of 2008 and the very early of 2009, i was so deep in thought for a turning point that i knew i had to take a real concrete step towards creating whatever sense of stability and normalcy i could, erasing what's embedded in the head, no matter how valuable those memories and dignities are... And while i've done some concrete plans, a lot of things have not been really working on myself and the way i see and handle things. Beyond this said things, various states of extreme confusion and disorder even more cursedly have fallen out over my family's fate. We lost one of our greatest beings... Warmth among family members and relatives started to breach... Dignity and faith wherein family have been spoiled... Wealth and fame have been damaged... Plans have been ruined... Tears have been dry-cried... Relationships and loves have been poisonous broken... Chaos occurs... Again, i'm forthwith mourning inside with this blog alone.
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Here, i wonder!?! When will i find a chance to have the rest of this entire life be untouched by the negativity and sadness. May be then i will feel right in the head. I really can't shake the feeling that i am being this ruined by fate. I am still so insanely frustrated by this, because i don't really feel that i have a life to live for this figure of mine. My frustration and sadness are still a part a definition of me, and yet i'm trying so hard to move past them, or at least to be able to place them somewhere less consuming. I know that at this point, that will be the right thing for my well-being, for my healing and starting over.
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Thou i wished... i mourned... i complained... i wrote... i planned... i strived... i took steps, still nothing could be done. And so... i've lost in myself. It is a sharp pain to the heart, just like a storm of pain waiting to brew.

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Without a doubt it's a loss.
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on 3-months-brEak

Many issues to discuss... Many things to describe... Many words yet to write... Many more strifes to endure...

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It has been somewhat a 2-months-off-blog that I can't compute my mood into where i used to be. I wanna tell that now i have come to a phase where good and bad things can possibly begin to happen. This is completely a strange new world for me (though it's where i once used to originate). Yet, i'm trying to make sense of it all. Been trying to push forward. Been trying to stay focused on both the positives and negatives. And at last, been trying to bottle up my fears and worries under a big CONTROL.

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midada's collection

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counting-down

This is where i was. I mean this post is where i was having my stomach screwed by the return of that fierce ulcer's strike. For four consecutive days for i could never beg for more in life, but to be a healthy person. I was so horrifically worried to have had missed my plan of backing home - to have had missed my family reunion. It is such a huge random thing that has managed to make my unhealthy days, most likely my whole week. And believe me or not that my days in this week have been somewhere between "hell" and "earth", and i wanted just to pick just one of each without having painfully been abused by that stricken disease.

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Having started to write, i could feel blood is rushing out through my very dried fingers' nails. December is still somewhere in two weeks-time more to come and the weather is already dropping down to -13 degree Celsius.

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Here's another winter has started tiptoeing into my life..., a lonesome life that's waiting for a new departure. Counting till that day ahead, it'll be exactly the amount of some years with no extra days i will have done living my life in this country's cities. Been spending time alone at this end of very long day thinking everything through - figuring out how my life will be changed after this new transition and wondering how i will be driven by things, the risky-made decisions(?). This through-thinking process makes me review some parts of my past, some choices i've made and why i made them. I know there is so much of my life consumed with me craving for how i have to be better in many ways: more patient, less frustrated, more fat, less revenging, and so far of more and so forth of less...

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That counts so many years i've been waiting for my one powerful sentence becomes real, the remedying sentence that one day: one day i must return; that i will..., i will always return to Cambodia. So having been here in this country, having been staying up late tonight to describe these things, having been so anxiously counting down to the departure date, and having had things left behind my failure here - i seem to feel that the clock is ticking towards the ending; and there's a shift inside me - a shift for everything.

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As yet, i'm beginning to wonder. I'm wondering how is it possible that i will fully be able to burn each bad moment of my life here with my departure into my brain. I could foresee that it won't be this soon, but hopefully not other six or seven years to get faded away. Also, i'm wondering when i become an alright man, how will i be able to look back and remember these days, these years? How will i feel and understand the passage of the years, the most unlikely happy moments, the pains, and the small part of fun? And if I can't remember any of it, how much does my life ultimately matter, if in the end, there is nothing for me to look back to...?

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Having wanted to end the last paragraph here, i shall reason out that there's no way to deny: it's obvious that there have always been lusts in my heart for all these years in fulfilling my tasks as a grown man, but then i thought of ways in which had found my temper caused a promising future demolished; how madness blinds me to possibilities...; how i let misunderstandings led me down the wrong path. Suddenly, then, thoughts of becoming the greatest son were all gone...

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Wishfully, it were gone for a better somthing...

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sEaling off

Of this late, about a week or two, i started to get scared of communicating with people whom i very closely+intimately know. I am scared just because i'm afraid the amount of commitments that i'd use to put in conversations would not be strong enough to persuade those persons to rightly feel that i do honesty care about them. I am getting tiring so pretty oftenly, recently. I feel like i no longer care to be strong or brave for someone(s) - so, that made me lashing out in ways i didn't want to. I wish there was always a way i could diplomatically explain those persons not to get me wrong by whatever ways. I guess it's smelly hard, so i again and again end up being ignorant as i used to be. I didn't mean to not evenly responsible for everything, because I was and that was why i sealed myself off emotionally from ways i wanted and played a big role in making everything fall apart. So yeah... it brings out the ugliest parts of me. I know sorry is something i don't wanna say, not because i did what i have done to hurt those somebod(ies), but because sorry won't make anything back or cause sh*ts away.

So here... i'm injecting what I felt and feel, because i remember very clearly all that was flowing through me as I wrote and talked those words - and here i'm noting down and trying to remember those cruel parts of me before everything is definitively changed.

I purposely posted this picture of me

with my 7 years old glasses

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moments passEd

At my age, assuming i am not the victim of my own temper. The last couple of weeks have stricken me one sharp blow, dramas, and some general crappinesses. Living through this life-falling-apart, thing has made me cautious in a way i never expected to be. I lately react to people with more protective of my feeling, of the choices i make and the way i behave that could damage my feeling. What everyone wants from life is continuous and genuine happiness. Three passions have governed my life: the longing for satisfying my beloved ones' needs, the self rebuilding, and the will to prove people wrong with their critical judgements on me. I believe a person will get tougher and grows up when facing obstacles in his/her life and i wish god will at any chance offer the blessing to this kind of person.
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I guess i just can't connect together all the lines of those crappy things which were lately happened in one long post, and the point is... that wouldn't be worth reading and that would end up as one more another crappy post here. Let say it’s been so distressing to say something that is of no importance to others. But, the one thing i'd want to raise here and to say that it makes me ache in the most awful way is that i am underestimated.

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So here the thing, the thing that when i feel like(once in a life time) to detail my account or to be honest of how i feel and of what i have done, it by default puts people in a position where they feel compelled to offer me with their instant feedback or advice and blame me as though they were right in my shoes without even weighing the real situation. I want to die at that point, because i feel like i spitted on my own face. I want to die for the fact that they could read the bad part from my telling, but why couldn't they accept my reasons for having done so? The whole purpose of sharing my feelings to people is just to share them; and that's it! I'm not fishing for compliments and neither I'm fishing for arguments. And I'm not painting myself to cover my crooked part either. I just don't understand why they can't judge me the other ways. If i was that real bad and if i knew myself i was that bad how could i just say things out? What a guy in his right mind would want to do so? How could i reveal my own scandals and pretend to seek for advices. Can't they just listen to the detail and find out the truth in me within time? Can't they just let the facts speak about themselves? Don't they know i have spent some years being rejected in every possible way? It is so saddening to see when you reconcile with someone and they can't really believe in your reality or your commitment to them.

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Well, things have happened. Yet, i've spent so much time trying to re-clarify the content of my cognition, trying to fix the words that had been spoken out, and trying to console the broken feeling that had been downed. I so rarely regret things I do; i am instead mostly bothered by the things I did not do or did not say. And it seems to me here, laying on the bed right now with so many things to talk to myself for that i can't ignore staring me in the face, that there has been a shift inside me, the maturating change.

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Echoing in the ears, there's now a whispering of a manly quality telling me that everything depends on this one memory, that one moment, and my ability to remember it, to build the story of my life and give that life a meaning; the life that has been refused to afford some good lucks; the life that is hard to get a certainty for its feeling. I wish that kind of certainty comes again, but just once more in this lifetime.

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my typEs