standing rEsolute against thE hurts

For weeks for the sun has extinguished itself at where i live here, and raining keeps wandering and bragging themselves in the seemingly darkling eternal sky. Wanting to see the the very few star lights in the night and the sunshine days have been so impossible for the weather can't seem to be gentle down. Can't be helped by any felicities in the territory of this mind, more often than not, recently, i feel so depressed with this state of social isolation. I so feel in need to be taken care of and to be worried about. I also so wonder why there's always some things about me; some things which always define me not be a pure real 100% me. And when it always does, a burden which is born by one can sometimes grow too heavily to bear.

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In many instances in my life account, the only thing i have in common is that i always have tasks to bear no matter where i go or stay. For a brand new task i am dealing with right now is somewhat so engraving & thrilling to the core of my chest. Time, commitment, and distance have done so much in offering me a great courage and perspective to have dived in that never-in-a-life-time pursuing of what my heart tells me to do, to have dived for what i have so badly needed. I had felt more settled about the plan and also had thought about the possible transitions, moments where i will succeed my dream, the seemingly impossible dream. It has been some months already for me for i have created many peaks and valleys in both my personal plans and relationship. I don't seem likely to see what i have done is giving me any satisfactions, but i hope every conflict i have made will result in a resolution that will arrive and remove my burdens. I apparently have thought this is a poor move on my deed. And regardless of excuses i might ease up, the truth is that i have felt too tired to keep thinking about things i have not even wanted to think about. I have not wanted to keep crying inside alone and feeling this helpless shit inside me non-stop. I want to be believed in that i have wanted to feel normal about everything since from the start. I have wanted a taste of life where i can be seen as good enough as is, where i can breathe well and don't have to justify any thoughts and feelings to any ones, to any conditions, and to any state of the facts.

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To a greater degree or extent, destiny sometimes deals us hard set of cards to play in the game of life, relationship or even love, and that happened to me. Sometimes we're meant to meet few people in life love-affair, and there's a karma that links one of them together with you. Once you meet that someone whom means to you the whole world, to the sake of your wish, you wouldn't want that someone to be just a catalyst meant to teach you a lesson in love and then move on. As i twice committed in relationships and eventually lost the bonds, it's always hard to see things falling apart again and again and of course people would feel just so depressed just like i do.

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Despite all the trauma, i was able to go on as a someone committing in the pursuing a perfect life, but i am still struggling with trust, which scares people off because, apparently, they can see my apprehension; my fearful anticipation and a great demand of my expectation, i mean. I don't know that there's any exit to avoid thinking about this, and i hate how annoyed i end up feeling this when i do. It's a feeling born out of disappointment and frustration. It's a feeling that i would feel so completely damned if do and also damned if i don't. It applies no choice for me and that i am undeniably left up against the corner of the wall. I just feel like an injured tiger in a cage. And for all of this there's no possibility to force away the sadness, the continued sense of utter disappointment. I did of course not to expect this feeling to just disappear. I really wish i could just banish this feeling; i really do. To an extent, part of me will always feel sad about this; i will never be hundred per cent fine with my true feeling being dis valued. But, overall, i feel a need to kneel down and give in. I do it for the fact that the mind is one thing; the heart is entirely something else.

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Right now i am in a place to give up dilemma in an exchange for hope. I already see huge loss and there's really nothing left to take if i am still so pessimistic about everything. If i stay feeling this upset any more longer, the danger could possibly come true, the hope could be possibly over, the dream, too, soon be ruined - so i must seize this window of opportunity while it's still opened. I believe that every problem has a solution that's waiting to be found. And still, i cannot bear to let that some1 goes because i adore that some1 from head to toe. They say affairs of the heart are a mixed blessing of joys and heartbreaks. So, i'm expressing these feelings today just because i want this to get sorted out... and so please show me a way.

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lEtting go, building up.

It was quite a long while, in a specific period of time, for i used to be wholly brutal and hardhearted toward relationships - getting involved with people, then tossing them aside. My adult romance life had become somewhat an angry and bitter hunger. One after one...and after one, footprints came and went disappeared. Looking back at times, none of the relationship i walked with had walked in steps with me. I just didn't exactly know how; it was just that the possibilities never seemed to be hoping. I saw myself those days through those grey and dirty moments and realised those plans appeared to be unrealistic. Indeed, it felt good, back before everything in my entire life had changed, to take some concrete steps and to feel some progress. But, in going through all i've been through and through... again and again... in the last five years - there were some of the regressions. I was repeatedly astounded by the way i had to be that relationship-playing type of guy. How could i not analyze everything that was happening to me - the things i did..., the feeling i felt...?

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When i was in my pre-mid-twenty, i thought i had found one right commitment. Which was, i thought i had found a real mature life's trend i was going to belong to, and more importantly, the person whom i was going to be belonged. A long while back then, i believed in fate in a demonstrated amount, though now it's nothing, but laughable. 'Fate' had been playing a great deal in putting my belief into predestination to survive in relationships. whatever happened then, it was just all fated. Without thinking of various alternatives, i was just stuck with an option. Without finding initiatives to restore a bitterness, i did wrongly turn the bitterness in spreading great deal feedback on others. It seems that the most amorous part of my life had been spent with just that very first 'someone' - though, few years later, i limped off with another. Before then, i had walked my life in between predestination and complete free will; i did always believe in both. I experienced some things in life, more often than not, as simply being fated; but, in general, people do always have the right and ability to choose if they would or not follow those fates.
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I genuinely don't know what the future holds, and for now, there is nothing but the present moment, which, in the opposite way of the above brutal and hardhearted manner, i feel like there's a real light in my heart - as of late . This light expands with thoughts that make me smile. It seems now i am letting these thoughts of my most ever hopeful time flow through me for a while, wishfully, forever. I'm just being optimistic for now and hoping for these thoughts to keep flowing and mingling, and the light of this heart will seem to be growing. Guess by then i will just relax and feel this inside light fill me everlastingly - with a soft, gentle, and magical glow. And even in the face of this uncertainty of wishing, i would love to have it no other way than i'd love to do as it is right now: the will to be, the steps i am taking.
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aftEr a nap

After a nap...

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...yet it has come to be this isolation that i, at this very moment, could only look to myself to recall the way the possibility all began. For the disarray and constant desire for something more than this, i am now striving to find this clear being that i envision, yet i seem to miss and confuse. Could it be that because i am sensing emptiness or that because i am feeling a little loss? Or could it be for the reason that i am finding myself as lonesome or because i am hastening for a constant happiness for any costs (though i seem cannot afford a highly rated one)? I believe this never-ending anxiousness is something that i am yet living deep inside no matter how well i could self protect the illusion of my thought from being depicted in regard of disporting one's mind...

Shall i get back to sleep? ===> Mentally, nop; physically, yep!

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a lEttEr in filE

Blogging has been kinda tough lately. It may be because i have no thought or emotion that lasts long enough to do anything with it, to take a part in it, or to write about it. I've questioned myself a few times wondering if i would ever be the kind of a person who actively like to reveal past relationships to others publicly. I guess this is the part where i'll tell people a little bit about myself, my L-life. The matter has taken over every aspect of my life and my now-a-day personality - it has been inevitable. Mostly, when matters happened, I'd never debate how open i should be about it, even with those whom are closest to me. I apparently don't want what to be said just to be what spoken out to inform everyone, and then said no more. But, the situation here has been too cruel for me to contain inside, and that keeps urging on me earnestly trying to end my curiosity, and thus i feel as though i need to post the below letter for a REASON. After once, twice, and triple time of reading, i realised those thoughtful intentions, speeches & commitment were made and spoken out in a very wrong time being - irrespective of the above reason. I mean... i then miswrote, i then misunderstood the whole situation. So this seems i have a pattern here in an effort to note down a self-reminding remark and to leave as a recorded document of my ill-timed moments.
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There you read an eight-months-ago-written-and-sent-letter :

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"...If i am not wrong, i have not replied to you two emails and three times offline messages. I am doing alright here with my own way of life, just to let you know. How about you? How have you been doing in Cambodia. How's family and parents? How's everything there? I believe today is your birthday. I planned to choose today to talk to you as i have been so sure that i could never ignore you on this special day of yours. So here.... Happy Birthday To You!!!! All the best of lucks to you as well as your family, especially your parents. I hope they are doing great, healthy and happy as you wish them to be.

To be very honest, I do not loath you as you said. I've been instead thinking of you DAILY cuz i could feel like everything is still hanging around. Sometimes, I was happy because I was not able to think of you for the whole day, or maybe I was, but chose to ignore the thoughts. I'm beginning little by little to learn how to love myself and not entertain your presence. But, sometimes I still feel emotional and choose to think of the past and the good memories we had, even I know that it would worsen my situation.

Till today's date, it has been exactly one year, since the first day i hesitantly admitted my daring-love and instead got your false confession. Please don't get me wrong here for that i aim at blaming you by saying all this. If everything was meant to be true, that should be me to be blamed cuz i believe i had done something so wrongful to you while we were in that false love assumption. Frankly, i felt so betraying to your wish of wanting me to be your first-only-and-last love. I always consider time we did spend together as lovers is a close companion that goes along with me on my life journey. It reminds me to cherish each moment because, deep inside, i somehow could sense that it will never come back once again.

Destiny cannot be shaped or molded; even if it can be by some means, it's still a destiny of the destiny. So, there something has to be done between us, and we need to follow up. I'd like to apologize to you here for that i have been so long quiet. However, in order to have a relief outcome for the future, i need to have a break from the past. And for this i need a time. Yet, time and perspective have tempered my feelings, given me better understanding. And the fact that you and i are now becoming two complete someone(s) has turned this into something bittersweet for me, a chance to correct some assumptions, a chance for some redemption for both ends.

When i don't talk to you that does not mean i don't want the conversation nor to hear from you; from the deep down, i do, really want to converse. It is not because i don't think of you, because i do. It is not because i don't miss you, because i miss you already... Almost every day and every night, I fight this feeling, and i try as I might, but I can't win. It seems like, everything we've done and every word i heard from you since that last day you had admitted the fact, have captured my heart and my heart won't be able to escape from that grasp. And it pains me the most to learn that you can envision your life without me. It pains me to know that our supposed love has come to an end. It pains me to know that the love i have for you burns within that one day.

I strongly believe we have a certain destiny in our lives, and i'll be standing here to see how our story ends. I'd promise to you that i'll always keep in touch with you no matter what happens next, unless my life may circumstantially at any small chance ends. Here's my address just in case you will need for some reasons: '.........'

In a while, a long while, or a very long while, if you won't hear from me, i am here now begging you for an understanding. An understanding that i am still always be the one for you, the one that you so like but not love, regarding your valuations on me within your previous e-mail. I will always position myself this close to you until there's a man who could win your heart cuz then i know i will envy that only man, and give in. But, we'll be two someone(s) contacting each other still.

This far and up to now - i'd admit i still could feel you... i am still loving you silently alone. But, i will keep my promise to hold on to what i supposed. I just wish that somehow this heart of mine would learn to be contented - contented to be just missing you. Yet, so deep inside... there're many reasons i already knew as a stand block to not let this one side romance relationship working out fruitfully. It's not the miles that separate us, the moments do it all. Once again, Happy Birthday To You! May this great day brings you all of the possibilities you ever wish for...

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Take a great care..."

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So here i feel for myself: there was something which is one of the sweetest memorable experience of a lifetime, and now turns into a something which equals to a nothing here. Still, it's a lesson, a support, and a willingness to help me put my broken L-life back together into one whole piece again - and for which i will always be grateful.
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a crossroad

There the percussion between the past and the present... The blustering wind and torrential rain... Who can control wind and rain? Who can give me one more day, one more second to fight against the will of the truth? Finally, there came a night that everything was ended. How could i just fall down? How could i have spent some months doltishly being rejected without realising it was by all odds going to forever separate eventually? I just realise i missed the deadline after waking up... I forget that i am all the way insecure... I forget that i am at some certain times looking at myself in the mirror, at one point or another, and ask myself: who will ever see value in this?

I faced the limit like a tough war against the world. I breathed to change at the end. I didn't decide then, the decision was clearly made for me to go with that paved route, but how could i be that an uncertainty to not just step out - pretending to be that dumb? I am so overwhelmingly exhausted now. I can not compute any other thought. I'm drowning and breathing with my exhaustion at this point. I'm sitting still like a dumber, more dazed version of myself. Where have gone all those wishes you once said? I guess commitments are really made to be broken. You made me believe that; and so, the best thing to do right now would be to just miss - no more, no less.

In a point of fact, then, i did not even want to break up; i wanted some distance from the relationship even though i had been told there was a crossroad. So, i needed time and space to figure my next steps out; to make a long story short. I just didn't dare to feel too involved in the relationship, and in fact i was giving way too much emotionally to myself silently deep inside, alone - but that one was not, which was fine if that’s how it had to be.

Yet, i don't wanna be sad for a cruel truth that not even dreams can survive. I don't wanna be sad for being stubborn to be sad. I don't wanna be sad for all my weak spots left to be weak. Thus, i should be mainly feeling this way because i can no longer ignore the fact that - in generally speaking - the amount of committing and trusting that I give is a world away from what I get.

Now that one has proved me wrong so let me say goodbye in a sad song; a new sad song that has never been sung; a new sad song i could by heart hardly learn to offset the one song i used to like to sing and listen to - thus, i should stop liking it... The song. The number 4. The 4 dots(....) i would always use for my sentences...

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I guess I've had one sleepless night too many. I yet forget that i all am - in my own ways - fragile, guilty, conceding and...

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lovE-talks' conversion

Copyrighted by LOVE EXPERT

whEn it comEs back to mind....

Lately.... i somehow made my way down to having enough sleep and sleeping properly+a bit early. The end of being a night-owl or a dawn-owl or whatsoever called was definitely getting near. I felt like I was being able to throw away that almost-a-decade-long-rusty-habit during these past two weeks - but at recent days, i've been again dragged into that big fat mess of habit. I really had a few sleepless night, moving here and there on my bed and thinking about what happened to me in all those moments. I am now experiencing the worst headache ever, and all i could hear right now is my heart is beating much faster than it ever has.
*

The state of being fed-up has been playing in my head over and over again for weeks or months now. Specifically, the fed-up feeling i feel towards a person; actually, it was just the feeling that i felt, because i can't say i feel it any longer.

*
I, again, restarted to have the moment of disappointment and hatred since hours ago as i went through some files in my pc as well as my mail box of my cellular, in which some voice messages had been saved by me for months . It reminded me of those false moments of word and tongue (speech) i had been told and written to. So i started thinking about the type of person i was during all those moments. To be frank , at a point, i'd say i was a so-innocent-guy who had faithfully fallen into the trap of relationship with a strong determination, self-belief, and the state of being so open. I would never know that fact if i was not told that directly. I could never believe it if i was not shown those again & again revealings and excuses. All those relevances - at first, do not seem to bother me at all to retreat (to make the cut) - beside that one-reasonable-word i heard by my own ears. I then thought that ultimately, I was never going to give myself another chance.
*

At another point, i have been thinking to myself a lot lately over what i did wrong and which made me feel terribly awful. And i have to admit that the guilt was hanging over me all time long. I felt as if god had stolen my heart and soul, and had left me to cry myself to sleep each and every night with guilt in my chest. I guess the issue had always been the stand block of that relationship getting worked out. I was blaming myself for that horribly selfish mistake i committed, and all the while a part of me felt like i was never forgiving myself with the deed. I really went through a lot trying to prove points and reasons until i ultimately realised of the fact in which i had been told - a false confession.
*

What i find, as i sit here on the floor against the wall and think of that moment, is how worth remembering it is. And i know this is true mainly because i sweat all the strength of my heart to then again feel the rhythms of it, and i was pretty shocked when i could never realise what i exactly felt had been denied by those few words & reasons. It was a shocked and a fed-up feeling that rose up and grew in me as i observed deep in thought about the outcome that i had never expected and the period of time that i had wrongly interpreted it was going to last long. It has been out of my nature to embrace such a negative feeling as strongly as i did. Well, it is out of my nature since i began to actually deal with my previous real issues few years ago. But i guess i need to feel something, even that feeling is awfully crappy and stupid and cruel. I need to feel it just to get from one day to the next; i need just to feel it until i could find a good way to manage my mind to heal my broken soul and to put everything back into proper perspective. This is how i live my life in all these years - needing to feel negatively towards things until i assume i can handle with it and until i can place all those crappy negative things in a proper place in the account of my life.

*

It's funny and weird for all that I've come to embrace such emotion in public. So what's my problem? I am irritated to death of writing this out. Irritated to the point of being possibly called a loser. Irritated enough that I'm willing to cut my tongue and to forever shut my mouth up. If only i didn't want to get rid of this emotional feeling, i wouldn't have been sitting to update this blog. I guess i don't like to carry these kinds of feeling with me and i tend to end up writing it all down at some points. I am writing this just to show how i feel and why i feel it - it's like, i am putting it all in clear words; i'm now doing what's always advised - write it and forget it. To me, the urge to write is too great to ignore.

*

Yet, looking at my life that's cruelly tormented, here are all the words - the excruciating details of the pain i am feeling right now; the words that i could write out, but can never well explain about the pain.... the unknown pain that clutches my heart and burns in my soul.... the soul that clouds my mind and devours my every thought about those days.... those days of feeling with no regret over the relationship-road i had taken.

in filEs - a rElationship

There is just too much that time cannot erase. It has only been a few days since I've last updated this blog but it felt like months. There's just so many things and facts happening and there's also so much that has to be done. I do find myself wallowing in self-pity lately. It comes and goes and hasn't yet come so strong enough for me to feel like escaping from this world, but it's just around the corner(i suppose). I have recently seen many days and nights of self-pity stretching before me, and frankly, I am pretty annoyed at myself. I so damn hate feeling this way; i hate allowing myself into this trap of feeling; I hate writing about this because I sweat those tears to string all those thoughts together; I hate that I am powerless against this feeling and have no choice, but to write it out all these pieces of words as the reminder and lesson for me in the future.

Memories do fade away with time. In life there's a mixture of bad and good memories. Life itself is a long road; from the start(childhood) it's a long journey, and in the end(old) it's a destination. There are many stars in the sky but only a few shine and sparkle so bright. It mattered a great deal to me that I once used to be among one of those few sparkle stars and all of the sudden turned to be dim, and later, unseen. Not just because I have such a happy history with a crappy ending life, but also because it's somewhat unwanted memories which are hard to get rid of as well as to be forgotten; it's a real deal for an individual like me.

Talking of memories, by picking one to talk here, my RELATIONSHIP account would be the one to stay the longest in my memory. With all the ladies i used to date, with her, it was the most memorable of the lot. We shared a lot of memories and had managed to date on and off over (months?/years?) with basically zero drama. I don't think either one of us expected the ending, but when we ended i was hurt but not angry and vowed that we would never, ever, ever be together again. Considering all of that, I was convinced I'd also lose even the friendship with her. When i started contacting her later on to see how she was doing and to slip an apology for my behavior when we ended, it was nice to know that she also apologized to me. I don't lie, i was happy to have her back in my life and happy to have her as my friend. And because we had an easy rapport, that meant we could talk about a lot of things with minimal awkwardness. When i started to ask her about her personal relationship issues, there came a point where i became uncomfortable. The turn for me came when I realized about the encouragement, attention and priority she never gave me, and the trust she never placed in me, she is giving to him(her recent bf). To be honest, I talked to her about her romance issue with her guy(bf) for the purpose of being GOOOOD friend even though I sometimes was faking my emotion during the conversations. And that was true, but it was also a lie. It was a lie because quite frankly, my feelings were deeply hurt inside, and i did understand why: because what she feels with him is more than she felt with me. And for him, she is willing to be a bride and dive in.

And so be it, but look.... I did not feel like I should not have had to hear about it at all. And why should I care, if i too had moved on? Perhaps because I had really believed in the friendship, because i needed to be able to believe that 2 people could move on beyond a failed romance and still get along and catch up every now and then and have it be a pleasant experience. In the end, however, I learnt and saw quite clearly that I was nothing that i thought i was; i learnt that another could get all what i couldn't; i saw all the attention and priority i was denied. To me.... it was a hurt, it was a shock, it was a REAL lesson not to fall so deep into the POWER of love.

Well, it is just somewhat one of my RELATIONSHIP examples withdrawn from memories. There are plenty more...., more than that relationship issue. If i didn't sweat this much and if i didn't think people would be bored to death to read, i would have picked few more issues to reveal. Time flies real fast, i can't say i spend my holiday unworthy or i spend it wisely. The point is I do like blogging; so here i am, finishing another post for one of my blogs.

Now i am trying to give myself a conclusion regarding the issue, believing that our basic concern for each other would make friendship easy, believing that the present could be unaffected by the past, but it just doesn't work that way. At the same time, letting myself be bothered by the whole issue is VERY wrong of me, and, in effect, a step backward in my own personal evolution. Therefore, the contradictions and questions no longer fall on me. To wrap up, in relationship, it saddens me at times, and relieves me at others.

follow your hEart

"Follow your heart", this is a phrase often expressed to me. I soon realised that in life, you can't always follow your heart. Some things need to be done and some problems need to be solved but some just needs time. Sometimes when you feel like you have everything in life, you feel as though you are missing something. I thought life would be better if I kept ignoring you, denying the fact that i actually have feelings for you but that is when I realise I miss you, I keep wishing for a star.

a lovE trianglE song

Sleep sleep sleep.... is the only hardest task i can't accomplish during the night. Night night night.... seems so calm, and instead there are only wind, snow and rain show its' actions. Action action action.... i can't react, but mourn inside my shabby torn apart chest. Chest chest chest.... you're working just too hard to burden those cruelties, and just to survive my daily life. You're sick now; You're officially sick now; you're going to explode now. I am sorry for that i can't find any medicines to heal your inside wounded pieces. Everything i have wanted disappears from sight one by one. I can't find any reasons to wake up each morning. I've been trying so hard, but can't seem to make anything right again. I really can't escape this hell. My life keeps falling apart no one would ever understand this pain inside me. By facing this pain each day, my heart sinks lower and lower in my chest. Tho i try to block it out from sinking down in accordance not to enable the pain, nothing seems ever help, and i just wanna scream all the days that come and go which is each filled with pain. When i know my heart is broken, when my tongue stops talking, when i need to cry but my eyes are dry then i know i am in pain. When i feel the deepest cut, when i have no reason to live, when i feel my heart needs supply, when i see the morning as night, when my eyes closed cuz i feel frighten and when i feel that i have no soul, then i know i am in pain. When it happens all i can do is nothing, but write it out to express as my hurted feeling progresses.

I am drinking now again. I drink to put myself into asleep again. I drink to heal my wounds inside my heart again. I drink to numb all those painful wounds inside my soul again.... and again. 1st bottle, 2nd bottle, 3 bottle...., is just a quantity for the length of time i no longer be awake. I am not a drunkard i would assure, I am not an alcoholic i would admit. My dad, back then, used to teach me how to drink to heal some problems and diseases, but i was never be able to learn it. Now that i've learnt it by hard and heart when i am invloving with all these happening facts. I am now listening to a song, a Love Triangle song. I don't know why i am so into this song recently, during these weeks. I am this awake just to listen to it and drink along with it. I am in no way referring to someone by posting this song. No one should be blamed in Love Triangle. Love is all about suffering, understanding and forgiving. But, somehow, what the song's lyrics say seems so heartbreaking. He loves her, he cares for her but all he gets back is pain, pain of loss, pain of death. It feels as if he drives a selfish dagger into his own chest cuz he has seen that the kindness in him has been forgotten and never to be found. The sky and those trees moan from the pain they know he burdens. She has brought the pain that he can never forget about what she does to him. She has killed the love he could have brought; she kills what is left of him.

Having been living till this age, i learn that love, it only exists in fairytales. Pain is the only thing that i know for sure is real. No happily ever after. Pain is the only proof to prove my existence is true in life. Pain fuels my will to fight for hopes and to continue living my life longer, in order to eventually show the world that i am so unfair treated to be part of it, to eventually show those i used to hurt that i am sorry, to eventually show the ones i love that i am worth a faithful relationship with each of them. My hope of having a wonderful love is just seemed like the cloud in my judgement. I guess i might don't ever have great love in the future since i can only feel despair and pain ahead. No fairytale ending for me, but only an on going torment.

Having finished my fifth bottle, my face is yet to get red. Guess it can't be red cuz all i can see on my face right now in the mirror is a face painted with color of darkness of pain, which is born from that sorrow, and which is once sung by me, heard by me and understood only by me....sigh....

a confEssion

Em....i feel my posts are more overloaded with jokes. I guess i might have been afraid of talking about maself since i prefer it to be confidential. I have watched few romance movies these days and i feel my head is fully overwhelmed with romance for thoughts. For some reasons those tragics appear in the movies reflect those ... in real lives, mine, for instance.

"In a relationship, what we say is one thing, but what we do is another; the one saying, doesn't believe; teh one listening, also doesn't believe. When 2 people are in love, they love to ask each other to swear, to make promises. Why do they ask each otehr to swear and promise? I guess because they don't trust each other; that means they don't trust their lover, so that isn't a real love. These swears and promises are useless; till the sky falls, till the oceans dry, my love for u will never change! We all know that the sky will never fall; the oceans will never dry, even if it does happen, are we still alive by then? that's so obvious we'll be dead by then, and so our loves will be dead wilted. Real love is when two people can go through the toughest problems without asking for promises or listing criteria. In a relationship, you have to put in effort and give in at times, not always be on the receiving end. Being away from each other is a type of test, if the relationship isn't strong, then you can only admit defeat. Real love will never become hate.

In love of each life, there are 4 main persons; first, ourselve; second of all, one we love most; third, one who love us most; and 4th, one we spend the rest of our lives with. Firstly u'll meet the 1 u love most, and learn how love feels because u know how love feels, so u can find the person who loves u most. When u've experienced the feeling of loving others and being loved, u'll then know what it is u need most, then u will find the person who is most suitable for u, to be able to spend the rest of your life with. Sadly, in real life, these 3 people are usually not the same person. The one u love most doesn't love you. The one who loves u most is never the one u love most. And the one u spend your life with is never the one u love most or the one who love u most. That person is just the one who happens to be at the right place at the right time.

Therefore..., which person are u in other people's life? No person will purposely have a change of heart. At the point in time when he loves u, he/she really loves u. But, when he/she doesn't love u anymore, he/she really doesn't love u anymore. When the one loves u, that one can't pretend that he/she doesn't. Same goes, when a person loves u no more, there's no way that person can pretend he/she loves u. When a person doesn't love u and wants to leave u. U must ask yourself if u still love that person or not, if u also don't love taht person anymore, dun keep him/her just to save your pride. If you still love that person, you should wish him/her happiness, and hope that he/she will be with the one he/she loves most, dun stop him/her from it. If you stop him/her from finding true happiness with the one he/she loves, it shows u already that you don't love him/her, and if you don't love him/her, what rights do you have to blame him/her for a change of heart? We should trust this saying which reads " Dun go for looks, it can deceive." We should go for sum1 who makes us smile, because only a smile can make a dark day seem bright.

Love is not possessive, if you like the moon, you can't just take it down and put it in your basin or share a pillow with it, but the moonlight still shines upon you. In other words, when you love a person, you can use another method of possessing the person. Let that person become a permanent memory in your life. If you really love a person, you must love him/her for what he/she is. Love him/her for his/her good points, and the bad points. You can't wish for him/her to become like what you like him/her to be just because you love him/her. If he/she can't change to become what you like him/her to be, you don't love him/her anymore. When you really love a person, you can't find a reason why you love him/her. You only know that no matter when and where, good mood or bad mood, you will wish to have this person to be with you.

There's a saying said: "Always put yourself in teh other's shoes." If you feel that it hurts you, it probably hurts teh other person, too. A sad thing a bout life is when you meet soemone who means a lot to you..., only to find out in teh end, that it was never meant to be and you just have to let it goes. Giving some1 all your love is never an assurance that they will love you back. Dun expect love in return, just wait for it to grow in their hearts. But, if it doesn't, be content it grews in yours. Sumtimes, there are things you would love to hear, but, somehow, you never hear it from the person you want to.

Hence, in love, is to let those we love be perfectly themselves and not twist them with our own images, otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them. The happiest people dun necessarily have the best of everything..., they just make the most of everything that comes their ways."

When all is said and done, i wish i could be strong enough as mentioned. Yet, i am too weak and lack of confidence when talking of love, and this is because another reason that i have been through in life and that causes my mentality not to let me have the gut to confess or discuss it out to the one i love (just in case if i have a love). No matter how hard i tried to forget about it, i just couldn't cus the guilt and sense of sorriness are overwhelming. Still..., as in my condition, this love and life are always dependent on each other, but life is more predominant; thereofre, without a good life, i just can't have a beautiful love. = I wish i could, and now that i am waiting for a miracle.


http://www.lovefatedestiny.com/

....this far....

Love always needs a complicated measure. Sometimes, it needs more than just a sacrifice to be able to flourish. It hurts, like most poets say. And yeah, it does, big time. But then, at other times, love is simple. Sweet, but simple. Nothing compares to the divine, priceless moments it can create. Those everlasting hugs, sweet smiles, and joyful tears you guys shared that day have taught me this. Thank you, and congratulations. Yeah, love always needs a complicated measure. But trust me, guys. Once you fall in love, never hesitate, because you will never regret. I don't. I will never do....