in filEs - a rElationship

There is just too much that time cannot erase. It has only been a few days since I've last updated this blog but it felt like months. There's just so many things and facts happening and there's also so much that has to be done. I do find myself wallowing in self-pity lately. It comes and goes and hasn't yet come so strong enough for me to feel like escaping from this world, but it's just around the corner(i suppose). I have recently seen many days and nights of self-pity stretching before me, and frankly, I am pretty annoyed at myself. I so damn hate feeling this way; i hate allowing myself into this trap of feeling; I hate writing about this because I sweat those tears to string all those thoughts together; I hate that I am powerless against this feeling and have no choice, but to write it out all these pieces of words as the reminder and lesson for me in the future.

Memories do fade away with time. In life there's a mixture of bad and good memories. Life itself is a long road; from the start(childhood) it's a long journey, and in the end(old) it's a destination. There are many stars in the sky but only a few shine and sparkle so bright. It mattered a great deal to me that I once used to be among one of those few sparkle stars and all of the sudden turned to be dim, and later, unseen. Not just because I have such a happy history with a crappy ending life, but also because it's somewhat unwanted memories which are hard to get rid of as well as to be forgotten; it's a real deal for an individual like me.

Talking of memories, by picking one to talk here, my RELATIONSHIP account would be the one to stay the longest in my memory. With all the ladies i used to date, with her, it was the most memorable of the lot. We shared a lot of memories and had managed to date on and off over (months?/years?) with basically zero drama. I don't think either one of us expected the ending, but when we ended i was hurt but not angry and vowed that we would never, ever, ever be together again. Considering all of that, I was convinced I'd also lose even the friendship with her. When i started contacting her later on to see how she was doing and to slip an apology for my behavior when we ended, it was nice to know that she also apologized to me. I don't lie, i was happy to have her back in my life and happy to have her as my friend. And because we had an easy rapport, that meant we could talk about a lot of things with minimal awkwardness. When i started to ask her about her personal relationship issues, there came a point where i became uncomfortable. The turn for me came when I realized about the encouragement, attention and priority she never gave me, and the trust she never placed in me, she is giving to him(her recent bf). To be honest, I talked to her about her romance issue with her guy(bf) for the purpose of being GOOOOD friend even though I sometimes was faking my emotion during the conversations. And that was true, but it was also a lie. It was a lie because quite frankly, my feelings were deeply hurt inside, and i did understand why: because what she feels with him is more than she felt with me. And for him, she is willing to be a bride and dive in.

And so be it, but look.... I did not feel like I should not have had to hear about it at all. And why should I care, if i too had moved on? Perhaps because I had really believed in the friendship, because i needed to be able to believe that 2 people could move on beyond a failed romance and still get along and catch up every now and then and have it be a pleasant experience. In the end, however, I learnt and saw quite clearly that I was nothing that i thought i was; i learnt that another could get all what i couldn't; i saw all the attention and priority i was denied. To me.... it was a hurt, it was a shock, it was a REAL lesson not to fall so deep into the POWER of love.

Well, it is just somewhat one of my RELATIONSHIP examples withdrawn from memories. There are plenty more...., more than that relationship issue. If i didn't sweat this much and if i didn't think people would be bored to death to read, i would have picked few more issues to reveal. Time flies real fast, i can't say i spend my holiday unworthy or i spend it wisely. The point is I do like blogging; so here i am, finishing another post for one of my blogs.

Now i am trying to give myself a conclusion regarding the issue, believing that our basic concern for each other would make friendship easy, believing that the present could be unaffected by the past, but it just doesn't work that way. At the same time, letting myself be bothered by the whole issue is VERY wrong of me, and, in effect, a step backward in my own personal evolution. Therefore, the contradictions and questions no longer fall on me. To wrap up, in relationship, it saddens me at times, and relieves me at others.