an ExpirEd dignity, a onE timE thing!

BLOGSPOT! Once in a long while, i am back. Three months without posting here, has been somewhat so persistent to the mind of this self. Though Wordpress has become, instead, continually a trash bin where to digest most of my crappy paragraphs, the thing is, i feel like i just could no longer stick there having my posts blamed back at me every time i log in; i feel like i need to do something here and there. For some reasons i am back with this Blogspot with a revealing and a sorriness to extend.
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In the wake of this self's ever greatest worthlessness, i would have preferred doing otherwise or living otherwise, or would have that a-just-one-time-history taken place at nowhere and in no time. What i meant by a history here, is a brand new history. How could i ever let myself got overcome by things, an ever purest desire ever. Things which were foreign to me..., they settled in..., little by little they destroyed my dignities for just a glimpse of a feeling of being belonging to ones. They began to rule. When i was in years before those yesterdaysss, this isn't the life i dreamed of. I didn't dream of this self influenced life because i wasn't this type of person. I was full of proud and dignity. As soon as i started opening my door for just a one time possibility..., my self-worth fell apart. Now i have the impression that my this-minute-life today doesn't correspond to my true nature. Not at all; not even a very tiny bit. I have the impression that i have not changed. Still full of dignity and proud, but unable to prove it to others..., so i am alone and the only one in this so-called self-regard. And that is so simply and ugly awful if counted with the deed. Like a spider man i wear a mask. Mentally i am fine, but historically i am ill.

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To have built up so far a strong model type of a guy, to have journeyed under a moral of obligation to do things, to have spat out words to reassure trusts - only to end up today with an expired dignity. This was not what this self had foretold. So, now i have seen it through - the worst part of relationship regardless whether or not it was because of wrong read feedback. There has been a strange mix of occurrences which all spread to my mind in such an odd, and later emotionally draining away.

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Light peeks through clouds; rain leaks through sky. I am really just hoping that this unforgiven deed and this self remorse will later have really begun to give way to a return trust and a compassion that support a willingness to forgive. And this is more than i could ask for...

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a lEttEr in filE

Blogging has been kinda tough lately. It may be because i have no thought or emotion that lasts long enough to do anything with it, to take a part in it, or to write about it. I've questioned myself a few times wondering if i would ever be the kind of a person who actively like to reveal past relationships to others publicly. I guess this is the part where i'll tell people a little bit about myself, my L-life. The matter has taken over every aspect of my life and my now-a-day personality - it has been inevitable. Mostly, when matters happened, I'd never debate how open i should be about it, even with those whom are closest to me. I apparently don't want what to be said just to be what spoken out to inform everyone, and then said no more. But, the situation here has been too cruel for me to contain inside, and that keeps urging on me earnestly trying to end my curiosity, and thus i feel as though i need to post the below letter for a REASON. After once, twice, and triple time of reading, i realised those thoughtful intentions, speeches & commitment were made and spoken out in a very wrong time being - irrespective of the above reason. I mean... i then miswrote, i then misunderstood the whole situation. So this seems i have a pattern here in an effort to note down a self-reminding remark and to leave as a recorded document of my ill-timed moments.
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There you read an eight-months-ago-written-and-sent-letter :

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"...If i am not wrong, i have not replied to you two emails and three times offline messages. I am doing alright here with my own way of life, just to let you know. How about you? How have you been doing in Cambodia. How's family and parents? How's everything there? I believe today is your birthday. I planned to choose today to talk to you as i have been so sure that i could never ignore you on this special day of yours. So here.... Happy Birthday To You!!!! All the best of lucks to you as well as your family, especially your parents. I hope they are doing great, healthy and happy as you wish them to be.

To be very honest, I do not loath you as you said. I've been instead thinking of you DAILY cuz i could feel like everything is still hanging around. Sometimes, I was happy because I was not able to think of you for the whole day, or maybe I was, but chose to ignore the thoughts. I'm beginning little by little to learn how to love myself and not entertain your presence. But, sometimes I still feel emotional and choose to think of the past and the good memories we had, even I know that it would worsen my situation.

Till today's date, it has been exactly one year, since the first day i hesitantly admitted my daring-love and instead got your false confession. Please don't get me wrong here for that i aim at blaming you by saying all this. If everything was meant to be true, that should be me to be blamed cuz i believe i had done something so wrongful to you while we were in that false love assumption. Frankly, i felt so betraying to your wish of wanting me to be your first-only-and-last love. I always consider time we did spend together as lovers is a close companion that goes along with me on my life journey. It reminds me to cherish each moment because, deep inside, i somehow could sense that it will never come back once again.

Destiny cannot be shaped or molded; even if it can be by some means, it's still a destiny of the destiny. So, there something has to be done between us, and we need to follow up. I'd like to apologize to you here for that i have been so long quiet. However, in order to have a relief outcome for the future, i need to have a break from the past. And for this i need a time. Yet, time and perspective have tempered my feelings, given me better understanding. And the fact that you and i are now becoming two complete someone(s) has turned this into something bittersweet for me, a chance to correct some assumptions, a chance for some redemption for both ends.

When i don't talk to you that does not mean i don't want the conversation nor to hear from you; from the deep down, i do, really want to converse. It is not because i don't think of you, because i do. It is not because i don't miss you, because i miss you already... Almost every day and every night, I fight this feeling, and i try as I might, but I can't win. It seems like, everything we've done and every word i heard from you since that last day you had admitted the fact, have captured my heart and my heart won't be able to escape from that grasp. And it pains me the most to learn that you can envision your life without me. It pains me to know that our supposed love has come to an end. It pains me to know that the love i have for you burns within that one day.

I strongly believe we have a certain destiny in our lives, and i'll be standing here to see how our story ends. I'd promise to you that i'll always keep in touch with you no matter what happens next, unless my life may circumstantially at any small chance ends. Here's my address just in case you will need for some reasons: '.........'

In a while, a long while, or a very long while, if you won't hear from me, i am here now begging you for an understanding. An understanding that i am still always be the one for you, the one that you so like but not love, regarding your valuations on me within your previous e-mail. I will always position myself this close to you until there's a man who could win your heart cuz then i know i will envy that only man, and give in. But, we'll be two someone(s) contacting each other still.

This far and up to now - i'd admit i still could feel you... i am still loving you silently alone. But, i will keep my promise to hold on to what i supposed. I just wish that somehow this heart of mine would learn to be contented - contented to be just missing you. Yet, so deep inside... there're many reasons i already knew as a stand block to not let this one side romance relationship working out fruitfully. It's not the miles that separate us, the moments do it all. Once again, Happy Birthday To You! May this great day brings you all of the possibilities you ever wish for...

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Take a great care..."

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So here i feel for myself: there was something which is one of the sweetest memorable experience of a lifetime, and now turns into a something which equals to a nothing here. Still, it's a lesson, a support, and a willingness to help me put my broken L-life back together into one whole piece again - and for which i will always be grateful.
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loss in mE

I did spend quarter of a year prior the arrival of my coming-back-home wishing that my life was possibly settled. For a never-do-well like me, with the tendencies and issues that i have, the impressions of instability and chaos are so dirty hard to live with and work through. Ever since i two months ago made it once again to step on this city, Phnom Penh - things have happened and are happening...

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Passing through the very late of 2008 and the very early of 2009, i was so deep in thought for a turning point that i knew i had to take a real concrete step towards creating whatever sense of stability and normalcy i could, erasing what's embedded in the head, no matter how valuable those memories and dignities are... And while i've done some concrete plans, a lot of things have not been really working on myself and the way i see and handle things. Beyond this said things, various states of extreme confusion and disorder even more cursedly have fallen out over my family's fate. We lost one of our greatest beings... Warmth among family members and relatives started to breach... Dignity and faith wherein family have been spoiled... Wealth and fame have been damaged... Plans have been ruined... Tears have been dry-cried... Relationships and loves have been poisonous broken... Chaos occurs... Again, i'm forthwith mourning inside with this blog alone.
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Here, i wonder!?! When will i find a chance to have the rest of this entire life be untouched by the negativity and sadness. May be then i will feel right in the head. I really can't shake the feeling that i am being this ruined by fate. I am still so insanely frustrated by this, because i don't really feel that i have a life to live for this figure of mine. My frustration and sadness are still a part a definition of me, and yet i'm trying so hard to move past them, or at least to be able to place them somewhere less consuming. I know that at this point, that will be the right thing for my well-being, for my healing and starting over.
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Thou i wished... i mourned... i complained... i wrote... i planned... i strived... i took steps, still nothing could be done. And so... i've lost in myself. It is a sharp pain to the heart, just like a storm of pain waiting to brew.

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Without a doubt it's a loss.
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moments passEd

At my age, assuming i am not the victim of my own temper. The last couple of weeks have stricken me one sharp blow, dramas, and some general crappinesses. Living through this life-falling-apart, thing has made me cautious in a way i never expected to be. I lately react to people with more protective of my feeling, of the choices i make and the way i behave that could damage my feeling. What everyone wants from life is continuous and genuine happiness. Three passions have governed my life: the longing for satisfying my beloved ones' needs, the self rebuilding, and the will to prove people wrong with their critical judgements on me. I believe a person will get tougher and grows up when facing obstacles in his/her life and i wish god will at any chance offer the blessing to this kind of person.
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I guess i just can't connect together all the lines of those crappy things which were lately happened in one long post, and the point is... that wouldn't be worth reading and that would end up as one more another crappy post here. Let say it’s been so distressing to say something that is of no importance to others. But, the one thing i'd want to raise here and to say that it makes me ache in the most awful way is that i am underestimated.

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So here the thing, the thing that when i feel like(once in a life time) to detail my account or to be honest of how i feel and of what i have done, it by default puts people in a position where they feel compelled to offer me with their instant feedback or advice and blame me as though they were right in my shoes without even weighing the real situation. I want to die at that point, because i feel like i spitted on my own face. I want to die for the fact that they could read the bad part from my telling, but why couldn't they accept my reasons for having done so? The whole purpose of sharing my feelings to people is just to share them; and that's it! I'm not fishing for compliments and neither I'm fishing for arguments. And I'm not painting myself to cover my crooked part either. I just don't understand why they can't judge me the other ways. If i was that real bad and if i knew myself i was that bad how could i just say things out? What a guy in his right mind would want to do so? How could i reveal my own scandals and pretend to seek for advices. Can't they just listen to the detail and find out the truth in me within time? Can't they just let the facts speak about themselves? Don't they know i have spent some years being rejected in every possible way? It is so saddening to see when you reconcile with someone and they can't really believe in your reality or your commitment to them.

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Well, things have happened. Yet, i've spent so much time trying to re-clarify the content of my cognition, trying to fix the words that had been spoken out, and trying to console the broken feeling that had been downed. I so rarely regret things I do; i am instead mostly bothered by the things I did not do or did not say. And it seems to me here, laying on the bed right now with so many things to talk to myself for that i can't ignore staring me in the face, that there has been a shift inside me, the maturating change.

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Echoing in the ears, there's now a whispering of a manly quality telling me that everything depends on this one memory, that one moment, and my ability to remember it, to build the story of my life and give that life a meaning; the life that has been refused to afford some good lucks; the life that is hard to get a certainty for its feeling. I wish that kind of certainty comes again, but just once more in this lifetime.

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a rEal dEal

With these very some first sentences starting here, i aimed at shouting to the heaven for a cursing moment that pisses me off and labels me as a somewhat loser. It was such a random thing with a huge impact that has managed to ruin my day - most likely weeks, months, years, or even a lifetime. I am yet flooded with that occurence of an incidence which is still driving me instantly frustrated with how dazed and vague my well-being was. How was that possible i could be provoked into something which is to most people a sh*tty consequence. How could i be not resisting and instead spending some minutes with those sh*tty spits?

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¡ [REALLY][CAN'T] [ANSWER] [FOR] [NOW] !

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All i can say here is a knot was already tightly tied there. I was teary-eyed to bite that bitterness for which i could sooo hardly bear with. With the couple first minutes it happenned, i broke into tears of resentment. I stood up breathless, feeling like having tons of rock in the tight chest, but then i felt the need to step back and to be less involved so that i could be on a more equal level. I have been doing since then self-persuadings... ; i tried to educate myself there about what i had reacted was purposely pro-Buddhism. I did that for the purpose of loving my beloved ones. I did that for peaces... I did that for self-rebuilding. I did that for those trusts and perspectives which have been put in me. And... then i did that with a self consent to put my manhood down.

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As yet, i can't predict whether that cruel occurrence will ever come back to me again, or it is already gone for good? If i was to lose, how will i survive with that memory? How will i keep pace with it? How much does my life lastly matter if in the end i won't be able to forget it for good? I'm wondering if only i could capture that moment in time and bottle them up and have the bottle buried deep underneath any deserts.

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Here i'm writing and telling myself: whatever happens i will go back to that one memory, that one night comforting my magma-temper. It's going to be possible, i keep saying... It's going to be possible that i'll be able to hardly strive to burn the moment with the deed that destructs my status of being a man.

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