an ExpirEd dignity, a onE timE thing!

BLOGSPOT! Once in a long while, i am back. Three months without posting here, has been somewhat so persistent to the mind of this self. Though Wordpress has become, instead, continually a trash bin where to digest most of my crappy paragraphs, the thing is, i feel like i just could no longer stick there having my posts blamed back at me every time i log in; i feel like i need to do something here and there. For some reasons i am back with this Blogspot with a revealing and a sorriness to extend.
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In the wake of this self's ever greatest worthlessness, i would have preferred doing otherwise or living otherwise, or would have that a-just-one-time-history taken place at nowhere and in no time. What i meant by a history here, is a brand new history. How could i ever let myself got overcome by things, an ever purest desire ever. Things which were foreign to me..., they settled in..., little by little they destroyed my dignities for just a glimpse of a feeling of being belonging to ones. They began to rule. When i was in years before those yesterdaysss, this isn't the life i dreamed of. I didn't dream of this self influenced life because i wasn't this type of person. I was full of proud and dignity. As soon as i started opening my door for just a one time possibility..., my self-worth fell apart. Now i have the impression that my this-minute-life today doesn't correspond to my true nature. Not at all; not even a very tiny bit. I have the impression that i have not changed. Still full of dignity and proud, but unable to prove it to others..., so i am alone and the only one in this so-called self-regard. And that is so simply and ugly awful if counted with the deed. Like a spider man i wear a mask. Mentally i am fine, but historically i am ill.

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To have built up so far a strong model type of a guy, to have journeyed under a moral of obligation to do things, to have spat out words to reassure trusts - only to end up today with an expired dignity. This was not what this self had foretold. So, now i have seen it through - the worst part of relationship regardless whether or not it was because of wrong read feedback. There has been a strange mix of occurrences which all spread to my mind in such an odd, and later emotionally draining away.

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Light peeks through clouds; rain leaks through sky. I am really just hoping that this unforgiven deed and this self remorse will later have really begun to give way to a return trust and a compassion that support a willingness to forgive. And this is more than i could ask for...

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