counting-down

This is where i was. I mean this post is where i was having my stomach screwed by the return of that fierce ulcer's strike. For four consecutive days for i could never beg for more in life, but to be a healthy person. I was so horrifically worried to have had missed my plan of backing home - to have had missed my family reunion. It is such a huge random thing that has managed to make my unhealthy days, most likely my whole week. And believe me or not that my days in this week have been somewhere between "hell" and "earth", and i wanted just to pick just one of each without having painfully been abused by that stricken disease.

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Having started to write, i could feel blood is rushing out through my very dried fingers' nails. December is still somewhere in two weeks-time more to come and the weather is already dropping down to -13 degree Celsius.

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Here's another winter has started tiptoeing into my life..., a lonesome life that's waiting for a new departure. Counting till that day ahead, it'll be exactly the amount of some years with no extra days i will have done living my life in this country's cities. Been spending time alone at this end of very long day thinking everything through - figuring out how my life will be changed after this new transition and wondering how i will be driven by things, the risky-made decisions(?). This through-thinking process makes me review some parts of my past, some choices i've made and why i made them. I know there is so much of my life consumed with me craving for how i have to be better in many ways: more patient, less frustrated, more fat, less revenging, and so far of more and so forth of less...

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That counts so many years i've been waiting for my one powerful sentence becomes real, the remedying sentence that one day: one day i must return; that i will..., i will always return to Cambodia. So having been here in this country, having been staying up late tonight to describe these things, having been so anxiously counting down to the departure date, and having had things left behind my failure here - i seem to feel that the clock is ticking towards the ending; and there's a shift inside me - a shift for everything.

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As yet, i'm beginning to wonder. I'm wondering how is it possible that i will fully be able to burn each bad moment of my life here with my departure into my brain. I could foresee that it won't be this soon, but hopefully not other six or seven years to get faded away. Also, i'm wondering when i become an alright man, how will i be able to look back and remember these days, these years? How will i feel and understand the passage of the years, the most unlikely happy moments, the pains, and the small part of fun? And if I can't remember any of it, how much does my life ultimately matter, if in the end, there is nothing for me to look back to...?

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Having wanted to end the last paragraph here, i shall reason out that there's no way to deny: it's obvious that there have always been lusts in my heart for all these years in fulfilling my tasks as a grown man, but then i thought of ways in which had found my temper caused a promising future demolished; how madness blinds me to possibilities...; how i let misunderstandings led me down the wrong path. Suddenly, then, thoughts of becoming the greatest son were all gone...

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Wishfully, it were gone for a better somthing...

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titlE lEss

For what on earth how could this be true? Right at this moment i feel so defeated and overwhelmed that i can't even really describe things i want. I really don't know what i am going to fight for? Been thinking of why i try so hard to be open and honest when it doesn't make others to be open and honest in return? Why i make myself sick trying to be an all-around great person when there is no one who looks at me and thinks i am what they need and want? Why i'm worried about others, when no one worries about me? Why i go nuts trying to find thoughtful ways to show how i care when no one does that for me? I have made few attempts to figure out the matters. Been trying to look everywhere for clues - in the challenges that come my ways, in the strength of my faith, in all advices i got from people, and in all experiences i have been through - but the greatest clue i think is inside me.

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For god's and my own sake, i have devoted a good amount of time on my well spending 10-days-off, helping relatives with their mission loads as well as teaching myself to get against the will. Life has now made me to be what i once was going to willingly choose to be. And, i seemingly feel both prophetic and surprising here.

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For today, i started to go back to work. For some reasons, here i post 2 shots at my workplace. And a freshly taken picture of mine - a geek in red. Sorry, no glasses again!

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a crossroad

There the percussion between the past and the present... The blustering wind and torrential rain... Who can control wind and rain? Who can give me one more day, one more second to fight against the will of the truth? Finally, there came a night that everything was ended. How could i just fall down? How could i have spent some months doltishly being rejected without realising it was by all odds going to forever separate eventually? I just realise i missed the deadline after waking up... I forget that i am all the way insecure... I forget that i am at some certain times looking at myself in the mirror, at one point or another, and ask myself: who will ever see value in this?

I faced the limit like a tough war against the world. I breathed to change at the end. I didn't decide then, the decision was clearly made for me to go with that paved route, but how could i be that an uncertainty to not just step out - pretending to be that dumb? I am so overwhelmingly exhausted now. I can not compute any other thought. I'm drowning and breathing with my exhaustion at this point. I'm sitting still like a dumber, more dazed version of myself. Where have gone all those wishes you once said? I guess commitments are really made to be broken. You made me believe that; and so, the best thing to do right now would be to just miss - no more, no less.

In a point of fact, then, i did not even want to break up; i wanted some distance from the relationship even though i had been told there was a crossroad. So, i needed time and space to figure my next steps out; to make a long story short. I just didn't dare to feel too involved in the relationship, and in fact i was giving way too much emotionally to myself silently deep inside, alone - but that one was not, which was fine if that’s how it had to be.

Yet, i don't wanna be sad for a cruel truth that not even dreams can survive. I don't wanna be sad for being stubborn to be sad. I don't wanna be sad for all my weak spots left to be weak. Thus, i should be mainly feeling this way because i can no longer ignore the fact that - in generally speaking - the amount of committing and trusting that I give is a world away from what I get.

Now that one has proved me wrong so let me say goodbye in a sad song; a new sad song that has never been sung; a new sad song i could by heart hardly learn to offset the one song i used to like to sing and listen to - thus, i should stop liking it... The song. The number 4. The 4 dots(....) i would always use for my sentences...

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I guess I've had one sleepless night too many. I yet forget that i all am - in my own ways - fragile, guilty, conceding and...

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this far

Every week, there's like a number of fixations rotate in and out of my mind. Some last few days, others stay longer. The point is they are there.... I've warned myself not another sad post, not tonight. I will not write it, i will not talk about it. Not another depression to be detailed here, not today. I will not detail about it, no i won't: I said!

Yet, i forget. I, however, forget that i'm not the only left falling into this excruciating emotion trap. Though i have the conviction of the world's best poker face - and yet, however determined i am - i don't always want to be this strong and emotionless. Sometimes, i just want to be sensitive and take everything personally; i just want to be not made to feel like a loser for that! i want my questions to be spoken out straightly by me and have them honestly and patiently answered.

I have striven so hard to be this inactive. I have made this far, so i can go on further still. I'll fight all the way through the climax. And however true or untrue that may be, it is lost on me in the day-to-day. I said it's okay. I will always express this confirmation no matter, in one way or another, in the future this could be true or untrue. I say this without a shred of self-pity, without wanting someone to tell me that i am so pitiable. Right now, i am a loser; an officially loser! What else can i be? When you look at the real happening for what it is, there's little amount of people would encourage me to keep fighting forward. Of course, i don't tell anyone i am a loser; i instead try to explain what's going on in my heart, the feeling i have about my determination and the way others might put a blame on me about how i become such a loser.

Thus far, there is no way for me to get into the details of the HOWs and WHYs here. There's never enough space for it, and this isn't the place for that. This is about just me - for what i have been or will be going through and how my life is changing and how i am dealing with it all - and the role this fact plays in my life. I know there are much more ahead before i really feel better. This ending was a long time passing, but it makes no difference when it's still slapping you right in the face.

I look at my life now as if every action is practice. Practice for the moment that i am now truly alone, with no one to help me in anyway, thou i also don't need help. I have been thinking about the way most of the posts shown in this blog will reflect the next new aspects to come in my life. I am sure some people have been through all what have been written here, so they are now on a journey with me, and i really wish, for their sakes if not my own, that i could turn this blog into something more amusing and with more various talk-outs than it's really going to be.

Thence, i only wish to remember that everybody including me is like this in one way or another; that some experiences or facts are worth taking and shouldn't be measured up against the past nor the future. And i also believe the way in which life takes away then turns right around to give more than you ever thought you could contain.

Joy denied is joy multiplied. Hope diminished is hope everlasting!

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a littlE rEply

I knew from the very beginning before i started this blog that there were surely some topics going to off limits. Though i aimed at writing about whatever i want & feel without fear of any problems arising, my choice to avoid certain topics has been driving my need to protect what are needed to be protected; to avoid dramas; to respect others' seclusions. But, there are times when the mood strikes me, i may feel something that i need to share here and i just want to publish all what i cite in my another very personal daily online diary.

Sometimes by sometimes, i find it so hard to describe things with an indirect pointing out manner. This seems like i build walls surrounded myself and try to shout out loud to the outsiders whether or not they could hear me. No matter what i say when i talk about myself to others, when i try to dig out all what's from the deep down of my mind, the truth is that i build walls around myself to protect any and all real emotions. As my life passes through periods of difficulty, sadness & transition, people have been reaching out to me - some to try to make sure i am fine and in my right well-being, others to offer their supports, and some others just to let me know they are there, concerning about me. It aches to the heart when all i could respond to is nothing - instead, being ignorant to those intended warmheartednesses. No matter how hard I try to ignore that (in a good way) i admit that I do really & ofently think about it - those un-replied messages.

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Heretofore, being ignorant, is somewhat a perfect adjective defining myself. It's a very negatively charged term branded here. To a certain point, i may not be able to clarify why i bring up this word to this post? How much explaining should i do when someone finds out that i am this ignorant - but there, the title of this blog, says it all. My heart sweats when i think of those purposely-not-replied messages, and i imagine what it might have looked like if i replied back momently, what it might have changed if i further read the flow of all the conversations.

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This is the part where I get stuck, where I keep deleting the paragraphs and staring at the blank space for a lot of minutessss.... because this is the part where I have to write that my everything has ended, definitively ended, and that the life I've known, the life I'd thought I'd have, is over. Now that i've turned back to emptiness. This emptiness offers me a chance to do things that console me most right now: to have a long more pause cuz i don't want questions about my being; i don't want to ponder my past and its many failures; i don't want to worry more about what may or may not be; I don't want to be agitated over how worthy i am or am not of someone else's time, attention, affection, etc.; i don't want to wonder if i will ever find someone who will look deeper and see me for all that i am and can be. And so - emotionally tormented - i am willing to shut my speeches down. I am now on my break.... my long mind-vacation.... to have my anguishes seized, and not let so much hinge on every little thing.

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I guess overall, i have done well enough in keeping a balance wheel of being open & honest to others but also keeping private about what i want to keep private. I'm now on a path which is both terrifying and completely foreign, and i have no clue what the heck is going to happen next. I want to believe it will all be o.k., and deep inside i know it will be, but right now, there are just these - the sadness, emptiness and overwhelming sense of failures. It will all be fine, i pray, but before there is sunlight in my life again, I have to embrace and survive these darknesses.

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So I am now learning and practicing. To be self-sufficient. To do things i never thought i'd need to do. To live this destined life of mine. To take a long break. To be alone....

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i need somE big guts

I see my daily life as an unsolved puzzle board which each piece and clue of unmanageble and unending riddle is scattered. I always end up in the same place: frustrated, angry and hurt over trying so hard and being so open and ending up empty. Tellingly, if possible, i prefer not to be in contact with people besides those few exceptional ones. It isn't that i do hate being socialized, but i'm afraid people might be unable to accept my this-moment-type-of-me and vice versa.

Despite anything to the contrary, i lately feel as though i am so lack of having a feeling of delight at being entertained because of the self-entitled-motto type, outcaste. Though it's the only term i consider as best corresponding to the emphatic form of me, i am, somehow, in a need of entertaining from others still. As yet, i have been battling with what has got to be this stupid rediculous decision ever: involve or not to be involved with people? Should or shouldn't i? I know i could always bring together in peer groups, but to do so i need some big GUTS to tear off that self entitled term. Whatever this might have been, only time proves it all.

hErE's thE consEquEncE

I feel like the people whom i believe should know me best have the least faith in me, like they cannot see the whole picture of my intention and instead push me into this blog to which I can by hard digest all the letdowns and frustrations, regardless of all the d*mn intent and effort I put into being a better person.

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I don't blame no one, and neither do i ever blame myself again - but it saddens me to see where i am today, grown apart with all the complete independence which, as a result, ruined all of those possibilities.... It seems there's still an unending riddle to be solved - and it looks as though the more i retreat, the more i put pressure unto that self-accusation.... of mine.

Here's the consequence, hidden in the contents of my deeds and in those my pages that already turned.

birth-nivErsary

It's raining! Once again, it's raining! From a look through my window, from the sound my ears could sense, it appears that those falling water drops are shouting and arguing for each own presence all the way to the ground. What a rainy mid-Summer! What a rainy July! It seems to me that the month of July has just come to calendar the other days and it is now already the very end of it; time flies real fast - indeed.

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As time goes on, all of these events keep popping up into this distance of my life. I've tried on many occasions to find the words to express what I have always been about to express, but there are simply no words to describe my all these years of the occasions called Birthday. I feel like most of these my so-called special days bring out nothing, but some numbers as a remark. It shouldn't be worth remembering; i assumed.

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Likewise, today has been no better than the previous others. This year, there're just 3 people have come to the recognition of this DAY - and, as yet, it's going to be about more than an hour till the rest of it; i am not complaining thou. Nothing is unchanging in this beautiful world. It seems to me that every individual i ever have and had relation with has his/her own sign of altering as the earth spins on its axis. Not only that i am part of all i have met, everyone i have known has left a part of themselves in me; their every little thing are in my head, though i can't tell them apart. Yet, only time is left remain as a real companion that goes along with me on my life journey. It somehow reminds me to cherish each moment i have and had. Well, i just want to make clear that: i’m not writing this to illustrate who i am. I know who i really am, and i’m honest and realistic enough with myself to be sufficiently aware of the goods and bads which are already in me.

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To the same habits that had happened sometimes from the past 6 or 7 years, into the early minutes of today's date, a few unexpected fat tear drops fell down my both cheeks as a welcoming message to the date i, for the very first time, connected with my both dearest creators (parents) - when i then was brought into lively existence. I am now again aggrieving cuz it hurts. It causes an ache even deeper than any other days of the year when i feel a need of their companies. And, in the edge of this time being, i sigh. I sigh and feel the ache deepens, knowing that for many more years to come, it will be this way. I am learning still to live with the constant pain and miss that defines a lonesome-far-away-son. No doubt i shed a few tears because after all, i just missed their presences and hugs.

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It is now almost at the end of my DAY; i'm sitting up alone still, thinking about how my life has shaped up, thinking of what gave direction to this DAY that will sweep away. I have been battling this thought around in my head for a long while now. Yet, i have no clues. And it is this, ultimately, that makes this whole day so tragic to me. Whatsoever may come, it's not the crux of all. I am formed in every moment of my everyday.... And it has been so far almost the mid of my life's span, so let's make every moment counted! Let's it be my birth-niversary!

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Thus far, i almost ignore the warm wishes from those somebodies. I'd declare that all those your fond words are pretty much counted. ~

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Thankfully, i much appreciate!
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tonight ?_?

I am feeling so annoyed. This really blows. It sucks and i am so pissed off. This night isn't gentle at all. The way i see the world tonight, it's all about a long lonely road - a road which i have already been riding on as an outcastE. But, somehow, i do still love you - NIGHT. You help me to close the door of my brain. You sometimes - a medicine - cure my soul. And whenever i close my eyes in you, i feel like i am flying beyond the earth cruising this lovely planet. Exceptionally speaking - at night - i could shed my tears whenever i miss mum and dad. Again, this is all about the two of you. I do miss you dearly "Mak" & "Pa"; may god bless you my both lovers.

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thoughts of this momEnt!!!!

I am now having these feeling, feeling these feelings,

and reconsidering these feelings....

A feeling that you will still be among the best ones I've ever had!!!!
A feeling that you will still be the right one for me to share!!!!
A feeling that when will my magma-temper again be exploded????

A feeling that when will i again be able to rebuild that so much self-freedom-of-doubt to converse with you????

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.... a feeling that should or shouldn't I....!?!?

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i know it's truE!

Been trying to figure out this life why everything seems so confusing, or may be i am just out of my mind; i'm listening but there's no sound....

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It uglifies those my own images of confidence, my mentality, my consistency, and my every hope i have for you for what you gave me those your clear-made-up thoughts - so I've learnt to accept and walked off with my own desires I then set for you....

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No matter how tough you are inside you can't deny the fact that you are worried and disappointed with those my deeds, so stop worrying and tell yourself that if GOD cares for you and if he is still in control then yeah he will help you to write my name off your life's page....

So, better don't ya worry about tomorrowS for tomorrowS will worry about itself....

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montrEal, mE, and a lifE in bEtwEEn

When i started writing about this post few days ago, i was going to talk about the ridiculous comments i got from my online diary - at a site. I have been thinking a lot about those comments which are from anonymous readers in that last post, as well as from this blog post, from a friend. I am pretty touched whenever people tell me something kind and genial, in this case, to be good to myself, I appreciate that; i really do and thanks for all those words of encouragement.

However, one thing i don't like to hear from the comments is PITY. To be honest, i hate being pitied. People can dislike me, hate me, or have no use for me, but they can't pity me. I feel no more of the need of pity from people cuz the more they pity me and act different way - to me, it reeks humiliation. And well i feel humiliated quite enough on my own, and would not like anyone else adding to it. I suppose I recently have such a strong feeling about being pitied because I know what I feel like when I pity someone; it's a mixture of sadness and heartbreak, and worse, i do really know what it is like to have pity be the emotion that moves me to do things I don't really want or not ready to do and to be. Well, I guess that is the thing with me: in life, there is much for which we have no choice, and it is hard for me to accept that; it is hard for me to feel those emotions I simply do not want to feel. It is, therefore, just like we can banish unwanted thoughts, I wish I could banish unwanted feelings.

Well now, here comes another day and i no longer want to talk about that comments thingy. I am exhausted now; terribly, terribly exhausted, and i really have no idea why???? It has been almost same same same stories since i started writing about things related to me - my problems. And well, that's still a problem, so here i am blah-blah-ing about it again.

It really, really gets me down cuz the thing i thought would resolve everything died in the water. Now I'm paying for my deeds, and solutions seem nonexistent. Life is really hard and sucky and depressing and weighing on me like a ton of bricks. And you know when you're in a bad situation, how you just want it to be over with? That's how I feel: desperately wanting for this to be over with and frustrated as each day ends without any changes. Between my growing frustration and the anger I feel at myself, I am beyond defeated. I would give anything to go back months and years to a time when I could have avoided all this. Meanwhile, there's another part of me that feels that even when I do find a solution of some kind, it just isn't going to be the same. In other words, there is no real solution here. And basically, it's damn hard and I feel like, despite my best efforts, there is no right solution. I'd say there is, of course, some crappy things I'm dealing with. That even counts those disappointments and dramas. On top of that, it is going to be another day to get moving as summer is already right at the corner. SEE....???? That is just a whole other bag of suckiness. Right now, I am taking steps to work this out, to find a resolution that works best for me personally and for me as a son. I just hope I can fix this and move on because right now I feel like I fell into this pit of gloom, and now that I have no real reason to be in it, I'm wondering how to get out. I want to get back to my own brand of normal. I wonder if i am able to manage to be depression-free and keep everything running smoothly, and not give in to my negative feelings, and to keep myself and my life above water and moving forward.

I don't really socialize with happiness. It's to me, no way to live; it's one of those things I privately work on very, very hard to conquer. I don't know if I believe the saying that happiness is a choice. I think that I mainly disagree with that thought, but I do feel that our reactions are choices. So I have chosen to behave in certain ways that keep the darkness out. I force myself, on a daily basis, to cut my own bull****, to deal with the anxiety, to just be a man & a son and suck it up. I fail a lot I'd admit, but I keep trying. I keep constant sight of the person I want to be & the principles I want to guide my life with. And then I try to act on it. I will always over-analyze, always have plans B, C, D and E lined up, always view whatever happiness and peace I experience as a rare gift I must treasure and savor and enjoy to their fullest. I don't want to be like everyone else. I don't want my job to suck the life out of me.

When all is said and done, there's never a day that i will stop thinking about the fragility of the life I have built in this LAND cuz it will be ever-presented in my life. The ways of life here and in our society tell me that there is no joy or wonder left anywhere or in anything. Maybe it is all this which is making me so exhausted. This feeling of who I am now and what I want to be in the future are inherently at odds with my sad city - Montreal, with my deplorable country - Canada, and with my life-long habit I'd love to break in all these rough years.