my dEary aunt, farEwEll.

*

Been months or a year we lost the touch

A lot of things we never got to do

Cruel fate has sadistically passed off

Many conversations we never got thru

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A heart of hearts stopped beating

Two twinkling eyes closed to rest

From ur face, worries and fears all have gotten out

God broke my heart to prove he only took the best

*

Hundreds of times i needed you, my aunt
Hundreds of times i mourned and cried
If love from us alone could have saved you
you, my deary aunt, never would have died

*

Death only ended your life, not the warmth of my love

Thou i never got to say goodbye, which was the worst part

The loss of you will never dies inside me

Cuz i know when you left, secretly, you waved to my heart

*

standing rEsolute against thE hurts

For weeks for the sun has extinguished itself at where i live here, and raining keeps wandering and bragging themselves in the seemingly darkling eternal sky. Wanting to see the the very few star lights in the night and the sunshine days have been so impossible for the weather can't seem to be gentle down. Can't be helped by any felicities in the territory of this mind, more often than not, recently, i feel so depressed with this state of social isolation. I so feel in need to be taken care of and to be worried about. I also so wonder why there's always some things about me; some things which always define me not be a pure real 100% me. And when it always does, a burden which is born by one can sometimes grow too heavily to bear.

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In many instances in my life account, the only thing i have in common is that i always have tasks to bear no matter where i go or stay. For a brand new task i am dealing with right now is somewhat so engraving & thrilling to the core of my chest. Time, commitment, and distance have done so much in offering me a great courage and perspective to have dived in that never-in-a-life-time pursuing of what my heart tells me to do, to have dived for what i have so badly needed. I had felt more settled about the plan and also had thought about the possible transitions, moments where i will succeed my dream, the seemingly impossible dream. It has been some months already for me for i have created many peaks and valleys in both my personal plans and relationship. I don't seem likely to see what i have done is giving me any satisfactions, but i hope every conflict i have made will result in a resolution that will arrive and remove my burdens. I apparently have thought this is a poor move on my deed. And regardless of excuses i might ease up, the truth is that i have felt too tired to keep thinking about things i have not even wanted to think about. I have not wanted to keep crying inside alone and feeling this helpless shit inside me non-stop. I want to be believed in that i have wanted to feel normal about everything since from the start. I have wanted a taste of life where i can be seen as good enough as is, where i can breathe well and don't have to justify any thoughts and feelings to any ones, to any conditions, and to any state of the facts.

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To a greater degree or extent, destiny sometimes deals us hard set of cards to play in the game of life, relationship or even love, and that happened to me. Sometimes we're meant to meet few people in life love-affair, and there's a karma that links one of them together with you. Once you meet that someone whom means to you the whole world, to the sake of your wish, you wouldn't want that someone to be just a catalyst meant to teach you a lesson in love and then move on. As i twice committed in relationships and eventually lost the bonds, it's always hard to see things falling apart again and again and of course people would feel just so depressed just like i do.

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Despite all the trauma, i was able to go on as a someone committing in the pursuing a perfect life, but i am still struggling with trust, which scares people off because, apparently, they can see my apprehension; my fearful anticipation and a great demand of my expectation, i mean. I don't know that there's any exit to avoid thinking about this, and i hate how annoyed i end up feeling this when i do. It's a feeling born out of disappointment and frustration. It's a feeling that i would feel so completely damned if do and also damned if i don't. It applies no choice for me and that i am undeniably left up against the corner of the wall. I just feel like an injured tiger in a cage. And for all of this there's no possibility to force away the sadness, the continued sense of utter disappointment. I did of course not to expect this feeling to just disappear. I really wish i could just banish this feeling; i really do. To an extent, part of me will always feel sad about this; i will never be hundred per cent fine with my true feeling being dis valued. But, overall, i feel a need to kneel down and give in. I do it for the fact that the mind is one thing; the heart is entirely something else.

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Right now i am in a place to give up dilemma in an exchange for hope. I already see huge loss and there's really nothing left to take if i am still so pessimistic about everything. If i stay feeling this upset any more longer, the danger could possibly come true, the hope could be possibly over, the dream, too, soon be ruined - so i must seize this window of opportunity while it's still opened. I believe that every problem has a solution that's waiting to be found. And still, i cannot bear to let that some1 goes because i adore that some1 from head to toe. They say affairs of the heart are a mixed blessing of joys and heartbreaks. So, i'm expressing these feelings today just because i want this to get sorted out... and so please show me a way.

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a path of angEr that is EndEd

This Fall cozy dawn has poised me to stay awake with this beating rhythm i could now feel from the box of my chest. Every beating is telling me things which are to be compromised with this yet feeling that is oriented toward a supposed grievance. As a result, i am now starting to reconsider the attitude course of my once-in-a-long-while frustration. I hadn't been that pissed-off(about things in general) for a quite long time. Before since, no matter what negative things i felt, or even things about the relationship ones, anger had been somewhere always down the list. I usually remind myself that every day i live with is a meditation lesson toward improving my life course into very less negative as possible as that it could be. But, for this sudden moment, i'm regretting.

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The pull of history, of the past habit formed over few years before years ago - and which was very hard to separate from - has gotten back and haunted me. It was too laced with my commitment, a pure commitment of what one may hard to possess, a decisive commitment for an unknown result. Just as the habit was lost to me forever, the striking act of binding myself to an expected reaction began. That strike had brought the fragility to the present beautiful bond, and it came to pass before that meditation lesson was fulfilled...

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There had been in my then-life, a sort of conditioning about how bad i was with my temper..., how bad i was so always angry,... and how bad i was to always carry my continuous anger and express it. It came from many directions, not just my failed relationships. I hate to look back and see that i had always had a temper, hate to realise that i just have boiled that temper, and hate to feel that at some points, the temper became the thing that defines me. To people outside the friendship zone, i am just a someone with my own distinctive way of life. To those whom once experienced my temper, i am basically just known to be explosive and wild in my anger, and i can't seem to avoid that label. There just came a point where they somehow considered that nothing i felt was valid or worth discussing or fixing because everything fell under the category of 'Sopheak's temper'.

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For i have now decided to bind myself in a light i want to live and enjoy with, i fundamentally get to this point where i need to change from being reasons and perfections oriented to just easily accept easier approaches and to approach the easiest thing to do in order to cope with the way to avoid an unpopular life. And i will, starting from today, stop expressing anger and anythings that resemble it. Will try to swallow it and will say YES when i mean NO; will always go along; and submit. Being understanding that the minute i raise a concern or objection, i'll be categorised as 'angry or mad' or 'temperamental' and whatsoever i feel will lead to the labels . I really need not to see that my feeling will be swept aside and considered worthless with the two mentioned labels they're based on. And, therefore, i'll never need to address my objection with whatever words to resolve my tension; doing so i will lose the person's interest or love or whatsoever specials in their insides.

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In a manner that facilitates, let the truth again slice into me that i must purge myself with the agony i cannot now concede. I'm ashamed to voice this out loud, but there it is. I must stop myself before i again get to that place where i'm too near to saying the things that may turn the person away from me. Because this is not what i want to do. I don't want to lose people for trying to express what and how i feel, or for asking questions for better understandings. Hence, I must not speak. I must stop. I must let my voice trail off. And I also must, just in case to ignore the hurting facts, instead make some fatuous speeches that will allow me to safely retreat.

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Do i sound guilty here? Are the above, apologetic paragraphs? I seem not to be able to answer these questions. I used to feel emptiness had built a home in this self's effort to not attain goals, to not enable me to share any space of my life with people or any special individuals, unceasingly. I felt the full weight of me upsetting and disappointing people had blamed back at me. It blamed me for i had used too many reasons for myself being angry, too many reasons for perfections. And to the deep of the actuality, i felt justified enough in feeling the angers. I had every basis to feel so..., i had every reason to feel it, and quite frankly, i felt it so rightly - but only that at some points it was appealing to me that every of my reasons had broken people's trusts and beliefs put in me. And so, all the consequences fell on me because the weights of commitment i invest there in the deal were always heavier.

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At this time period, i just want a continuous one more day with whom, to me, i can't afford to break her feeling. I will try to push aside the fact that there will be no more problems coming in, those which just keep constantly rehashing the same old ones. Will also fight against the growing feeling that i was not happy, that my belief and hope had turned into something where each and everyday i had to be less confident. The roller coaster between these uncertain feelings and 'happy' had been somewhat too insane in which i wish not to go by again. No matter what goes on i'll put my thought on a line, the line that borders facts and lies.

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The truth always comes to the surface, and it's doing just that. And i don't want my heart to be just one big black hole of despair again and...again, ...in another time; ...and repeating.
~

parts of mE

Part of me feels like i've never undergone thru that emo.

Images from recent memories flash across the dim of the evening.
Scene after scene, this heart is felt as being drilled.
Hole after hole, pain is growing too heavy to bear; can't let go.

Part of me tells how 'encountering' shall never be soon again seen.

But, the passing of days makes it even more unbearable.

Mindlessly hoping for the light at the end of the tunnel,

there the lack of self-sureness is just no longer weighing in.

Part of me often proves people wrong over my writing and speech.
Through words of mouth, no one knows i am a fragile sum1,
just like a thin piece of lace, they saw me as a solid string.
Only when the misery takes place, here's all about the breach.

Part of me reminds me of those pasts where failures rained down.
One record of failing at a time, memory stained my history.
As much as experiences hurted me: in a strange way, i needed it.
'That which hurts also instructs.', a saying said; and that's how it sounds.

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rEbuilding,

lEtting go, building up.

It was quite a long while, in a specific period of time, for i used to be wholly brutal and hardhearted toward relationships - getting involved with people, then tossing them aside. My adult romance life had become somewhat an angry and bitter hunger. One after one...and after one, footprints came and went disappeared. Looking back at times, none of the relationship i walked with had walked in steps with me. I just didn't exactly know how; it was just that the possibilities never seemed to be hoping. I saw myself those days through those grey and dirty moments and realised those plans appeared to be unrealistic. Indeed, it felt good, back before everything in my entire life had changed, to take some concrete steps and to feel some progress. But, in going through all i've been through and through... again and again... in the last five years - there were some of the regressions. I was repeatedly astounded by the way i had to be that relationship-playing type of guy. How could i not analyze everything that was happening to me - the things i did..., the feeling i felt...?

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When i was in my pre-mid-twenty, i thought i had found one right commitment. Which was, i thought i had found a real mature life's trend i was going to belong to, and more importantly, the person whom i was going to be belonged. A long while back then, i believed in fate in a demonstrated amount, though now it's nothing, but laughable. 'Fate' had been playing a great deal in putting my belief into predestination to survive in relationships. whatever happened then, it was just all fated. Without thinking of various alternatives, i was just stuck with an option. Without finding initiatives to restore a bitterness, i did wrongly turn the bitterness in spreading great deal feedback on others. It seems that the most amorous part of my life had been spent with just that very first 'someone' - though, few years later, i limped off with another. Before then, i had walked my life in between predestination and complete free will; i did always believe in both. I experienced some things in life, more often than not, as simply being fated; but, in general, people do always have the right and ability to choose if they would or not follow those fates.
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I genuinely don't know what the future holds, and for now, there is nothing but the present moment, which, in the opposite way of the above brutal and hardhearted manner, i feel like there's a real light in my heart - as of late . This light expands with thoughts that make me smile. It seems now i am letting these thoughts of my most ever hopeful time flow through me for a while, wishfully, forever. I'm just being optimistic for now and hoping for these thoughts to keep flowing and mingling, and the light of this heart will seem to be growing. Guess by then i will just relax and feel this inside light fill me everlastingly - with a soft, gentle, and magical glow. And even in the face of this uncertainty of wishing, i would love to have it no other way than i'd love to do as it is right now: the will to be, the steps i am taking.
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