standing rEsolute against thE hurts

For weeks for the sun has extinguished itself at where i live here, and raining keeps wandering and bragging themselves in the seemingly darkling eternal sky. Wanting to see the the very few star lights in the night and the sunshine days have been so impossible for the weather can't seem to be gentle down. Can't be helped by any felicities in the territory of this mind, more often than not, recently, i feel so depressed with this state of social isolation. I so feel in need to be taken care of and to be worried about. I also so wonder why there's always some things about me; some things which always define me not be a pure real 100% me. And when it always does, a burden which is born by one can sometimes grow too heavily to bear.

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In many instances in my life account, the only thing i have in common is that i always have tasks to bear no matter where i go or stay. For a brand new task i am dealing with right now is somewhat so engraving & thrilling to the core of my chest. Time, commitment, and distance have done so much in offering me a great courage and perspective to have dived in that never-in-a-life-time pursuing of what my heart tells me to do, to have dived for what i have so badly needed. I had felt more settled about the plan and also had thought about the possible transitions, moments where i will succeed my dream, the seemingly impossible dream. It has been some months already for me for i have created many peaks and valleys in both my personal plans and relationship. I don't seem likely to see what i have done is giving me any satisfactions, but i hope every conflict i have made will result in a resolution that will arrive and remove my burdens. I apparently have thought this is a poor move on my deed. And regardless of excuses i might ease up, the truth is that i have felt too tired to keep thinking about things i have not even wanted to think about. I have not wanted to keep crying inside alone and feeling this helpless shit inside me non-stop. I want to be believed in that i have wanted to feel normal about everything since from the start. I have wanted a taste of life where i can be seen as good enough as is, where i can breathe well and don't have to justify any thoughts and feelings to any ones, to any conditions, and to any state of the facts.

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To a greater degree or extent, destiny sometimes deals us hard set of cards to play in the game of life, relationship or even love, and that happened to me. Sometimes we're meant to meet few people in life love-affair, and there's a karma that links one of them together with you. Once you meet that someone whom means to you the whole world, to the sake of your wish, you wouldn't want that someone to be just a catalyst meant to teach you a lesson in love and then move on. As i twice committed in relationships and eventually lost the bonds, it's always hard to see things falling apart again and again and of course people would feel just so depressed just like i do.

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Despite all the trauma, i was able to go on as a someone committing in the pursuing a perfect life, but i am still struggling with trust, which scares people off because, apparently, they can see my apprehension; my fearful anticipation and a great demand of my expectation, i mean. I don't know that there's any exit to avoid thinking about this, and i hate how annoyed i end up feeling this when i do. It's a feeling born out of disappointment and frustration. It's a feeling that i would feel so completely damned if do and also damned if i don't. It applies no choice for me and that i am undeniably left up against the corner of the wall. I just feel like an injured tiger in a cage. And for all of this there's no possibility to force away the sadness, the continued sense of utter disappointment. I did of course not to expect this feeling to just disappear. I really wish i could just banish this feeling; i really do. To an extent, part of me will always feel sad about this; i will never be hundred per cent fine with my true feeling being dis valued. But, overall, i feel a need to kneel down and give in. I do it for the fact that the mind is one thing; the heart is entirely something else.

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Right now i am in a place to give up dilemma in an exchange for hope. I already see huge loss and there's really nothing left to take if i am still so pessimistic about everything. If i stay feeling this upset any more longer, the danger could possibly come true, the hope could be possibly over, the dream, too, soon be ruined - so i must seize this window of opportunity while it's still opened. I believe that every problem has a solution that's waiting to be found. And still, i cannot bear to let that some1 goes because i adore that some1 from head to toe. They say affairs of the heart are a mixed blessing of joys and heartbreaks. So, i'm expressing these feelings today just because i want this to get sorted out... and so please show me a way.

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