my dEary aunt, farEwEll.

*

Been months or a year we lost the touch

A lot of things we never got to do

Cruel fate has sadistically passed off

Many conversations we never got thru

*

A heart of hearts stopped beating

Two twinkling eyes closed to rest

From ur face, worries and fears all have gotten out

God broke my heart to prove he only took the best

*

Hundreds of times i needed you, my aunt
Hundreds of times i mourned and cried
If love from us alone could have saved you
you, my deary aunt, never would have died

*

Death only ended your life, not the warmth of my love

Thou i never got to say goodbye, which was the worst part

The loss of you will never dies inside me

Cuz i know when you left, secretly, you waved to my heart

*

a path of angEr that is EndEd

This Fall cozy dawn has poised me to stay awake with this beating rhythm i could now feel from the box of my chest. Every beating is telling me things which are to be compromised with this yet feeling that is oriented toward a supposed grievance. As a result, i am now starting to reconsider the attitude course of my once-in-a-long-while frustration. I hadn't been that pissed-off(about things in general) for a quite long time. Before since, no matter what negative things i felt, or even things about the relationship ones, anger had been somewhere always down the list. I usually remind myself that every day i live with is a meditation lesson toward improving my life course into very less negative as possible as that it could be. But, for this sudden moment, i'm regretting.

~

The pull of history, of the past habit formed over few years before years ago - and which was very hard to separate from - has gotten back and haunted me. It was too laced with my commitment, a pure commitment of what one may hard to possess, a decisive commitment for an unknown result. Just as the habit was lost to me forever, the striking act of binding myself to an expected reaction began. That strike had brought the fragility to the present beautiful bond, and it came to pass before that meditation lesson was fulfilled...

!

There had been in my then-life, a sort of conditioning about how bad i was with my temper..., how bad i was so always angry,... and how bad i was to always carry my continuous anger and express it. It came from many directions, not just my failed relationships. I hate to look back and see that i had always had a temper, hate to realise that i just have boiled that temper, and hate to feel that at some points, the temper became the thing that defines me. To people outside the friendship zone, i am just a someone with my own distinctive way of life. To those whom once experienced my temper, i am basically just known to be explosive and wild in my anger, and i can't seem to avoid that label. There just came a point where they somehow considered that nothing i felt was valid or worth discussing or fixing because everything fell under the category of 'Sopheak's temper'.

!

For i have now decided to bind myself in a light i want to live and enjoy with, i fundamentally get to this point where i need to change from being reasons and perfections oriented to just easily accept easier approaches and to approach the easiest thing to do in order to cope with the way to avoid an unpopular life. And i will, starting from today, stop expressing anger and anythings that resemble it. Will try to swallow it and will say YES when i mean NO; will always go along; and submit. Being understanding that the minute i raise a concern or objection, i'll be categorised as 'angry or mad' or 'temperamental' and whatsoever i feel will lead to the labels . I really need not to see that my feeling will be swept aside and considered worthless with the two mentioned labels they're based on. And, therefore, i'll never need to address my objection with whatever words to resolve my tension; doing so i will lose the person's interest or love or whatsoever specials in their insides.

!

In a manner that facilitates, let the truth again slice into me that i must purge myself with the agony i cannot now concede. I'm ashamed to voice this out loud, but there it is. I must stop myself before i again get to that place where i'm too near to saying the things that may turn the person away from me. Because this is not what i want to do. I don't want to lose people for trying to express what and how i feel, or for asking questions for better understandings. Hence, I must not speak. I must stop. I must let my voice trail off. And I also must, just in case to ignore the hurting facts, instead make some fatuous speeches that will allow me to safely retreat.

!

Do i sound guilty here? Are the above, apologetic paragraphs? I seem not to be able to answer these questions. I used to feel emptiness had built a home in this self's effort to not attain goals, to not enable me to share any space of my life with people or any special individuals, unceasingly. I felt the full weight of me upsetting and disappointing people had blamed back at me. It blamed me for i had used too many reasons for myself being angry, too many reasons for perfections. And to the deep of the actuality, i felt justified enough in feeling the angers. I had every basis to feel so..., i had every reason to feel it, and quite frankly, i felt it so rightly - but only that at some points it was appealing to me that every of my reasons had broken people's trusts and beliefs put in me. And so, all the consequences fell on me because the weights of commitment i invest there in the deal were always heavier.

!

At this time period, i just want a continuous one more day with whom, to me, i can't afford to break her feeling. I will try to push aside the fact that there will be no more problems coming in, those which just keep constantly rehashing the same old ones. Will also fight against the growing feeling that i was not happy, that my belief and hope had turned into something where each and everyday i had to be less confident. The roller coaster between these uncertain feelings and 'happy' had been somewhat too insane in which i wish not to go by again. No matter what goes on i'll put my thought on a line, the line that borders facts and lies.

!

The truth always comes to the surface, and it's doing just that. And i don't want my heart to be just one big black hole of despair again and...again, ...in another time; ...and repeating.
~

lEtting go, building up.

It was quite a long while, in a specific period of time, for i used to be wholly brutal and hardhearted toward relationships - getting involved with people, then tossing them aside. My adult romance life had become somewhat an angry and bitter hunger. One after one...and after one, footprints came and went disappeared. Looking back at times, none of the relationship i walked with had walked in steps with me. I just didn't exactly know how; it was just that the possibilities never seemed to be hoping. I saw myself those days through those grey and dirty moments and realised those plans appeared to be unrealistic. Indeed, it felt good, back before everything in my entire life had changed, to take some concrete steps and to feel some progress. But, in going through all i've been through and through... again and again... in the last five years - there were some of the regressions. I was repeatedly astounded by the way i had to be that relationship-playing type of guy. How could i not analyze everything that was happening to me - the things i did..., the feeling i felt...?

!

When i was in my pre-mid-twenty, i thought i had found one right commitment. Which was, i thought i had found a real mature life's trend i was going to belong to, and more importantly, the person whom i was going to be belonged. A long while back then, i believed in fate in a demonstrated amount, though now it's nothing, but laughable. 'Fate' had been playing a great deal in putting my belief into predestination to survive in relationships. whatever happened then, it was just all fated. Without thinking of various alternatives, i was just stuck with an option. Without finding initiatives to restore a bitterness, i did wrongly turn the bitterness in spreading great deal feedback on others. It seems that the most amorous part of my life had been spent with just that very first 'someone' - though, few years later, i limped off with another. Before then, i had walked my life in between predestination and complete free will; i did always believe in both. I experienced some things in life, more often than not, as simply being fated; but, in general, people do always have the right and ability to choose if they would or not follow those fates.
!
I genuinely don't know what the future holds, and for now, there is nothing but the present moment, which, in the opposite way of the above brutal and hardhearted manner, i feel like there's a real light in my heart - as of late . This light expands with thoughts that make me smile. It seems now i am letting these thoughts of my most ever hopeful time flow through me for a while, wishfully, forever. I'm just being optimistic for now and hoping for these thoughts to keep flowing and mingling, and the light of this heart will seem to be growing. Guess by then i will just relax and feel this inside light fill me everlastingly - with a soft, gentle, and magical glow. And even in the face of this uncertainty of wishing, i would love to have it no other way than i'd love to do as it is right now: the will to be, the steps i am taking.
!

an autumn aftEnoon - day sixth

Today's Autumn afternoon has grown so cold and windy.
I woke up late feeling happy blended with dizzy.
Having tried to touch keyboards to describe the feeling.
But too bad i could not sense all of my sudden well-being...
~
The Autumn afternoon had withdrawn into itself.
And left me feeling frozen inside like a gel.
Raindrops kept pouring into existence from a leaking sky.
Polishing off my idle mind as later the grey afternoon turned bright...
~
The wind had blown the rain into nonentity.
That looked as if the 2 nature things trying to conquer the territory.
I could soon tell how fast the rain would disappear.
Just as the wind blustering torrential rain with no fear...
~
'Wind' and 'rain' are seemed the afternoon's two metaphors.
Which keeps urging on me to battle in life like going to a real war.
And though at times menaces may somehow take place.
Unlike a prisoner, i then sure won't surrender with a disgrace...
~
I've learnt a past can't be changed and a future is still in my list.
Finger crossed, one day i could soon make it accomplished.
There is no corner, no dark place, no room a desire can't be fulfilled.
And if the world starts causing waves, it's our devotion that makes them still...
~
Here're all the thoughts the afternoon has taught and reminded.
With the two metaphors of 'wind' and 'rain' which are combined.
By inducing a hope this self have thrilled to thrive.
I just keep prompting myself, i will live each day to come with no alibi...

~

rEbuilding

nEw yEar rEsolution

It's once again New Year, my Khmer New Year. Every year i come up with different innovative resolutions to get fulfilled. Some get accomplished, while some remain abandoned, and most of which - the hardest part - is the releasing of unwanted chronicle events. I sometimes find myself thinking about the history and memories, and the resolutions versus the possibilities of its outcome, and then there came a point for me where i had to stop conceiving all i'd been through, all i could be or become, and focus on just what was, what i could acquire the most - but when everything is said and done, these endless things still haunt me.
!
I struggled then and yet i am still so hard struggling here. Two questions raised here are: why are those histories worth sticking with my memory? Why can it be not just a climax point to straighten out my life to be just 'for better or for worse'? I wish i had a set of answers for this!?!? The idea of letting go of the history has been continuing to be a very difficult task for me. Because of those distinct events, i have maintained myself as an obsolete someone, as someone who would be just a doormat, a someone who would get out there and have entirely different attitude about the whole thing from others.

!

For now, i have started to walk my life with this blogging thingy again. I have come to a phase where i will start from a frozen point - a below zero degree. I have been by self nurtured to learn to live with those memories and history. I have yet no any anticipation of fulfillment that I can do anything with them besides moving them somewhere more distant from my day-to-day thoughts. I want they are just there, not within my reach (for my own sake), though not completely forgotten.

!
So here, there's no more drama of New Year resolutions. The plan now is to just live, by allowing the thoughts and feelings acknowledge the cruel facts, but then stop before i dive into its misery. I don't want to deny, but i don't wanna let it consume me anymore.
!
Goodbye resolution!
!

loss in mE

I did spend quarter of a year prior the arrival of my coming-back-home wishing that my life was possibly settled. For a never-do-well like me, with the tendencies and issues that i have, the impressions of instability and chaos are so dirty hard to live with and work through. Ever since i two months ago made it once again to step on this city, Phnom Penh - things have happened and are happening...

!
Passing through the very late of 2008 and the very early of 2009, i was so deep in thought for a turning point that i knew i had to take a real concrete step towards creating whatever sense of stability and normalcy i could, erasing what's embedded in the head, no matter how valuable those memories and dignities are... And while i've done some concrete plans, a lot of things have not been really working on myself and the way i see and handle things. Beyond this said things, various states of extreme confusion and disorder even more cursedly have fallen out over my family's fate. We lost one of our greatest beings... Warmth among family members and relatives started to breach... Dignity and faith wherein family have been spoiled... Wealth and fame have been damaged... Plans have been ruined... Tears have been dry-cried... Relationships and loves have been poisonous broken... Chaos occurs... Again, i'm forthwith mourning inside with this blog alone.
!
Here, i wonder!?! When will i find a chance to have the rest of this entire life be untouched by the negativity and sadness. May be then i will feel right in the head. I really can't shake the feeling that i am being this ruined by fate. I am still so insanely frustrated by this, because i don't really feel that i have a life to live for this figure of mine. My frustration and sadness are still a part a definition of me, and yet i'm trying so hard to move past them, or at least to be able to place them somewhere less consuming. I know that at this point, that will be the right thing for my well-being, for my healing and starting over.
!

Thou i wished... i mourned... i complained... i wrote... i planned... i strived... i took steps, still nothing could be done. And so... i've lost in myself. It is a sharp pain to the heart, just like a storm of pain waiting to brew.

!

Without a doubt it's a loss.
~

counting-down

This is where i was. I mean this post is where i was having my stomach screwed by the return of that fierce ulcer's strike. For four consecutive days for i could never beg for more in life, but to be a healthy person. I was so horrifically worried to have had missed my plan of backing home - to have had missed my family reunion. It is such a huge random thing that has managed to make my unhealthy days, most likely my whole week. And believe me or not that my days in this week have been somewhere between "hell" and "earth", and i wanted just to pick just one of each without having painfully been abused by that stricken disease.

~

Having started to write, i could feel blood is rushing out through my very dried fingers' nails. December is still somewhere in two weeks-time more to come and the weather is already dropping down to -13 degree Celsius.

!

Here's another winter has started tiptoeing into my life..., a lonesome life that's waiting for a new departure. Counting till that day ahead, it'll be exactly the amount of some years with no extra days i will have done living my life in this country's cities. Been spending time alone at this end of very long day thinking everything through - figuring out how my life will be changed after this new transition and wondering how i will be driven by things, the risky-made decisions(?). This through-thinking process makes me review some parts of my past, some choices i've made and why i made them. I know there is so much of my life consumed with me craving for how i have to be better in many ways: more patient, less frustrated, more fat, less revenging, and so far of more and so forth of less...

~

That counts so many years i've been waiting for my one powerful sentence becomes real, the remedying sentence that one day: one day i must return; that i will..., i will always return to Cambodia. So having been here in this country, having been staying up late tonight to describe these things, having been so anxiously counting down to the departure date, and having had things left behind my failure here - i seem to feel that the clock is ticking towards the ending; and there's a shift inside me - a shift for everything.

~

As yet, i'm beginning to wonder. I'm wondering how is it possible that i will fully be able to burn each bad moment of my life here with my departure into my brain. I could foresee that it won't be this soon, but hopefully not other six or seven years to get faded away. Also, i'm wondering when i become an alright man, how will i be able to look back and remember these days, these years? How will i feel and understand the passage of the years, the most unlikely happy moments, the pains, and the small part of fun? And if I can't remember any of it, how much does my life ultimately matter, if in the end, there is nothing for me to look back to...?

!

Having wanted to end the last paragraph here, i shall reason out that there's no way to deny: it's obvious that there have always been lusts in my heart for all these years in fulfilling my tasks as a grown man, but then i thought of ways in which had found my temper caused a promising future demolished; how madness blinds me to possibilities...; how i let misunderstandings led me down the wrong path. Suddenly, then, thoughts of becoming the greatest son were all gone...

!
Wishfully, it were gone for a better somthing...

!

this far

Every week, there's like a number of fixations rotate in and out of my mind. Some last few days, others stay longer. The point is they are there.... I've warned myself not another sad post, not tonight. I will not write it, i will not talk about it. Not another depression to be detailed here, not today. I will not detail about it, no i won't: I said!

Yet, i forget. I, however, forget that i'm not the only left falling into this excruciating emotion trap. Though i have the conviction of the world's best poker face - and yet, however determined i am - i don't always want to be this strong and emotionless. Sometimes, i just want to be sensitive and take everything personally; i just want to be not made to feel like a loser for that! i want my questions to be spoken out straightly by me and have them honestly and patiently answered.

I have striven so hard to be this inactive. I have made this far, so i can go on further still. I'll fight all the way through the climax. And however true or untrue that may be, it is lost on me in the day-to-day. I said it's okay. I will always express this confirmation no matter, in one way or another, in the future this could be true or untrue. I say this without a shred of self-pity, without wanting someone to tell me that i am so pitiable. Right now, i am a loser; an officially loser! What else can i be? When you look at the real happening for what it is, there's little amount of people would encourage me to keep fighting forward. Of course, i don't tell anyone i am a loser; i instead try to explain what's going on in my heart, the feeling i have about my determination and the way others might put a blame on me about how i become such a loser.

Thus far, there is no way for me to get into the details of the HOWs and WHYs here. There's never enough space for it, and this isn't the place for that. This is about just me - for what i have been or will be going through and how my life is changing and how i am dealing with it all - and the role this fact plays in my life. I know there are much more ahead before i really feel better. This ending was a long time passing, but it makes no difference when it's still slapping you right in the face.

I look at my life now as if every action is practice. Practice for the moment that i am now truly alone, with no one to help me in anyway, thou i also don't need help. I have been thinking about the way most of the posts shown in this blog will reflect the next new aspects to come in my life. I am sure some people have been through all what have been written here, so they are now on a journey with me, and i really wish, for their sakes if not my own, that i could turn this blog into something more amusing and with more various talk-outs than it's really going to be.

Thence, i only wish to remember that everybody including me is like this in one way or another; that some experiences or facts are worth taking and shouldn't be measured up against the past nor the future. And i also believe the way in which life takes away then turns right around to give more than you ever thought you could contain.

Joy denied is joy multiplied. Hope diminished is hope everlasting!

~

a littlE rEply

I knew from the very beginning before i started this blog that there were surely some topics going to off limits. Though i aimed at writing about whatever i want & feel without fear of any problems arising, my choice to avoid certain topics has been driving my need to protect what are needed to be protected; to avoid dramas; to respect others' seclusions. But, there are times when the mood strikes me, i may feel something that i need to share here and i just want to publish all what i cite in my another very personal daily online diary.

Sometimes by sometimes, i find it so hard to describe things with an indirect pointing out manner. This seems like i build walls surrounded myself and try to shout out loud to the outsiders whether or not they could hear me. No matter what i say when i talk about myself to others, when i try to dig out all what's from the deep down of my mind, the truth is that i build walls around myself to protect any and all real emotions. As my life passes through periods of difficulty, sadness & transition, people have been reaching out to me - some to try to make sure i am fine and in my right well-being, others to offer their supports, and some others just to let me know they are there, concerning about me. It aches to the heart when all i could respond to is nothing - instead, being ignorant to those intended warmheartednesses. No matter how hard I try to ignore that (in a good way) i admit that I do really & ofently think about it - those un-replied messages.

~

Heretofore, being ignorant, is somewhat a perfect adjective defining myself. It's a very negatively charged term branded here. To a certain point, i may not be able to clarify why i bring up this word to this post? How much explaining should i do when someone finds out that i am this ignorant - but there, the title of this blog, says it all. My heart sweats when i think of those purposely-not-replied messages, and i imagine what it might have looked like if i replied back momently, what it might have changed if i further read the flow of all the conversations.

~

This is the part where I get stuck, where I keep deleting the paragraphs and staring at the blank space for a lot of minutessss.... because this is the part where I have to write that my everything has ended, definitively ended, and that the life I've known, the life I'd thought I'd have, is over. Now that i've turned back to emptiness. This emptiness offers me a chance to do things that console me most right now: to have a long more pause cuz i don't want questions about my being; i don't want to ponder my past and its many failures; i don't want to worry more about what may or may not be; I don't want to be agitated over how worthy i am or am not of someone else's time, attention, affection, etc.; i don't want to wonder if i will ever find someone who will look deeper and see me for all that i am and can be. And so - emotionally tormented - i am willing to shut my speeches down. I am now on my break.... my long mind-vacation.... to have my anguishes seized, and not let so much hinge on every little thing.

~

I guess overall, i have done well enough in keeping a balance wheel of being open & honest to others but also keeping private about what i want to keep private. I'm now on a path which is both terrifying and completely foreign, and i have no clue what the heck is going to happen next. I want to believe it will all be o.k., and deep inside i know it will be, but right now, there are just these - the sadness, emptiness and overwhelming sense of failures. It will all be fine, i pray, but before there is sunlight in my life again, I have to embrace and survive these darknesses.

~

So I am now learning and practicing. To be self-sufficient. To do things i never thought i'd need to do. To live this destined life of mine. To take a long break. To be alone....

~

montrEal, mE, and a lifE in bEtwEEn

When i started writing about this post few days ago, i was going to talk about the ridiculous comments i got from my online diary - at a site. I have been thinking a lot about those comments which are from anonymous readers in that last post, as well as from this blog post, from a friend. I am pretty touched whenever people tell me something kind and genial, in this case, to be good to myself, I appreciate that; i really do and thanks for all those words of encouragement.

However, one thing i don't like to hear from the comments is PITY. To be honest, i hate being pitied. People can dislike me, hate me, or have no use for me, but they can't pity me. I feel no more of the need of pity from people cuz the more they pity me and act different way - to me, it reeks humiliation. And well i feel humiliated quite enough on my own, and would not like anyone else adding to it. I suppose I recently have such a strong feeling about being pitied because I know what I feel like when I pity someone; it's a mixture of sadness and heartbreak, and worse, i do really know what it is like to have pity be the emotion that moves me to do things I don't really want or not ready to do and to be. Well, I guess that is the thing with me: in life, there is much for which we have no choice, and it is hard for me to accept that; it is hard for me to feel those emotions I simply do not want to feel. It is, therefore, just like we can banish unwanted thoughts, I wish I could banish unwanted feelings.

Well now, here comes another day and i no longer want to talk about that comments thingy. I am exhausted now; terribly, terribly exhausted, and i really have no idea why???? It has been almost same same same stories since i started writing about things related to me - my problems. And well, that's still a problem, so here i am blah-blah-ing about it again.

It really, really gets me down cuz the thing i thought would resolve everything died in the water. Now I'm paying for my deeds, and solutions seem nonexistent. Life is really hard and sucky and depressing and weighing on me like a ton of bricks. And you know when you're in a bad situation, how you just want it to be over with? That's how I feel: desperately wanting for this to be over with and frustrated as each day ends without any changes. Between my growing frustration and the anger I feel at myself, I am beyond defeated. I would give anything to go back months and years to a time when I could have avoided all this. Meanwhile, there's another part of me that feels that even when I do find a solution of some kind, it just isn't going to be the same. In other words, there is no real solution here. And basically, it's damn hard and I feel like, despite my best efforts, there is no right solution. I'd say there is, of course, some crappy things I'm dealing with. That even counts those disappointments and dramas. On top of that, it is going to be another day to get moving as summer is already right at the corner. SEE....???? That is just a whole other bag of suckiness. Right now, I am taking steps to work this out, to find a resolution that works best for me personally and for me as a son. I just hope I can fix this and move on because right now I feel like I fell into this pit of gloom, and now that I have no real reason to be in it, I'm wondering how to get out. I want to get back to my own brand of normal. I wonder if i am able to manage to be depression-free and keep everything running smoothly, and not give in to my negative feelings, and to keep myself and my life above water and moving forward.

I don't really socialize with happiness. It's to me, no way to live; it's one of those things I privately work on very, very hard to conquer. I don't know if I believe the saying that happiness is a choice. I think that I mainly disagree with that thought, but I do feel that our reactions are choices. So I have chosen to behave in certain ways that keep the darkness out. I force myself, on a daily basis, to cut my own bull****, to deal with the anxiety, to just be a man & a son and suck it up. I fail a lot I'd admit, but I keep trying. I keep constant sight of the person I want to be & the principles I want to guide my life with. And then I try to act on it. I will always over-analyze, always have plans B, C, D and E lined up, always view whatever happiness and peace I experience as a rare gift I must treasure and savor and enjoy to their fullest. I don't want to be like everyone else. I don't want my job to suck the life out of me.

When all is said and done, there's never a day that i will stop thinking about the fragility of the life I have built in this LAND cuz it will be ever-presented in my life. The ways of life here and in our society tell me that there is no joy or wonder left anywhere or in anything. Maybe it is all this which is making me so exhausted. This feeling of who I am now and what I want to be in the future are inherently at odds with my sad city - Montreal, with my deplorable country - Canada, and with my life-long habit I'd love to break in all these rough years.

my samE samE lifE tastE

Sometimes things happen in my life, mostly in this third decade of life time of mine, which are so coincidental that it makes me pause. It seems as though god is trying to send me messages to follow with zero tolerance. Can you imagine yourself being crazy + mad from Monday to Sunday? Yep, that's what i went through this whole damn week. I am honestly so sick of putting fake facial expression on my face. I smile on the outside but inside i don't feel that way at all. I try so damn hard to feel better but my everyday hope of not being a magma-temper is shattered just like it can never be changed.

Nine days have passed since my vacation started. I have lost few weights as usual (during the time of each vacation). I have gained new experiences (bad) and made new friends who often made my day during this week long. I have played some competitive soccer matches with my neighbors as well as those folks from my community. Nevertheless, i have made some bad decisions which bring anger to head, hotness to temper. It burnt my innocent mentality I'd say.

I always wonder why there are ups and downs in life, but then, I realised that my life is just like a puzzle. There's a satisfaction with joys and happiness in life when all the pieces of puzzle are successfully placed together. When everything falls apart and is misplaced, sadness, craziness and madness come back into life. Do ya realise that everything which results in joy is often followed by something upsetting? It's the cycle of life I'd say, which is why i am afraid of everything good that is to come because i am scared to fall; i am afraid the state of being upset takes its turn. However, I do not wish for anything bad for myself. I just wish that my life could go back to normal. I wish I could have back the life i used to have (the one where i did not need to worry about anything at all and just live life the way it is).

I suppose I could have not then walked that path which resulted this upsetting life. BBBBuuuutttt, why bother? I keep telling myself that there is no point to waste time analyzing that past anymore, for now. Look...., when we're lost in despair, remember, that the only thing that still shines in the darkness is a star. The point is to keep our eyes searching for a star because behind every dark place there is a bright light!!!!

God loves us!!!! (I hope :S)

how do you mEasurE succEss?

....Sigh.... I shall measure "success" here in the business of living; in other words how to live a successful life. For most people, money and material gains seem to be the most, if not the only important thing in life. They go all out to make as much money as they can. Thousands play the lottery, horse-racing, and other forms of gambling, both legal and illegal. Yet others work themselves to death, slogging day in and day out for the financial gains promised. Some of them do become very rich indeed. They go around in huge gleaming cars and live in sophisticated condominiums and mansions. They are members of some select clubs, wear designer clothes and generally look every inch the kind of successful people so often idealised on Television.

*

Rich they may be and successful they may seem, no one knows exactly what goes inside them. They are cases of very rich people who committed suicide. Some shoot themselves, some poison themselves and some starve themselves to death. The obvious thing is that these people are not happy, even with enormous riches. I know of a relative who, despite being very rich, has become senile. Money is no longer of any use to him. He does not even know how to look after his basic needs thus causing immense problems to his family. Therefore, I personally believe that a rich person is not necessarily a happy one.

*

In politics, there are many who struggle for power and position. Arguments among Prime Ministers and members of senates or national assemblies, corruptions in governmental system, switching parties by some political leaders, and even some suicide bombings can be read daily in the newspaper in some specific countries. Political parties are plagued by unrest, in-fighting and dissent. One faction tries to oust another. Some members tries to attain a position of some sorts, where he can wield power of some kinds and show importance of some degrees. When all is said and done regarding these happenings to some political leaders I would personally say a succeed political leader is not necessarily a happy one.

*

Sport too is not spared this affliction. We read often about sports officials quarrelling with one another. We read too about how some people or teams would go about doing almost anything just to win. Cases of match-fixing and bribery abound. Nasty words are exchanged. Spectators go on the rampage. Players quit, or are sacked. Why do people behave so irresponsibly? The reasons that i can see are: for power, position and riches. Fortune follows fame, riches follow power. "To win is the only thing" becomes the motto of each sportsman involving in our today lives. The struggle goes on, sports stars rise and fall. World champions emerge and then disappear with equal speeds. Countries boycott the Olympics and other international games. Sports and games have become just like politics. Only few, or may be none, are happy. It is therefore a world Champion is not necessarily a happy one.

*

In the final analysis, success boils down to only one factor, which is happiness. If one is unhappy with oneself then no amount of external things can alter the fact. I, for one, consider happiness to be the prime importance. The reason are so simple and obvious. Is it not better to be able to walk safely around in public with only a few cents in your pockets than to be loaded with thousands and be afraid of being robbed? Is it not better to be able to travel freely about inconspicuously and enjoy all the wonders around you than to sit hidden in an armour-plated car driven around at breakneck speed fearful of possible assassins? Is it also not better to be able to kick the football about for the fun of it than to get all sorts of abuse when you fail to score the match-winning goal? Finally, is it not better to be able to live each day happily than to be filled with anxieties about how to be rich, or to be famous and in the end find that happiness has eluded you?

These are some destined questions to be answered and clarified since different people have different way of thinking. In very few cases, ones are happy to commit bad things, to deal with some sorts of high risks, to get involved in all kinds of gamblings, so on and so forth so as to afford their so-called happy successful lives. To some extents, hence, it is up to an individual to decide whether or not to choose the right path in order to reach his/her own affordable happy successful life. One has a dream of a lifetime for the success and happiness; it would be a calamity if one dreams of the wrong dream cuz then one would end up with a big retreat in his/her life journey. Thus, success becomes failure; happiness becomes fear; life becomes junk.

*

rEbuildinG,

a look at my parEnts' hardship

In this modern age, anybody who complains that he or she has nothing to do is simply downright lazy. There are books to read, films and video to watch, music to listen to, and games to play. In fact I find that i have not enough time to do all the things i want to do. So a lot of things are left undone. If only time is transferable commodity, may be those who have too much time can pass some over to me.

As an ordinary employee, work takes up more than half of the daylight hours and sometimes more than the daylight hours. In the night time there is the inevitable housework to do. An afternoon nap is out of the question unless I want to slog late into the night to complete my cooking and cleaning. Very rarely do I not feeling like to seeing things in my apartment very well managed.

In Summer, when evening comes, sports and games comes alive. Nearby my workplace I can see young people, and a good number of older ones, are indulging in some forms of exercise. Be simply doing those exercises or hitting up the gym to get fit. What matters is doing them. The doers know that time is precious and they spend it joyfully in the things they love to do. The non-doers prefer to sit inside their houses and wonder why there is nothing to do. For these unhappy people I suggest that they could at least be spectators. They could go and watch other people play. Even if they do not want to participate, watching sports and games is a good way of spending spare time. It is a form of entertainment and recreation. If nothing, at least they know that they are among living human beings, not dead ones.

An average housewife has tons of house chores to do. When I take a look at my parents I realise that the amount of work they have to perform each day is enormous. Though they have few housemates, my parents get up early at dawn and work right through the day, taking care of their business. Thanks to the housemates who do the back-breaking job otherwise I have to fly back there to help my parents. There are always more things for them to take care of during the day. Yet, my mother has to go to the market to buy food for her ever-hungry members in the house and then look after their general well-beings. Anybody who finds that he has too much spare time can help his mother in her housework. All he has to do is to sweep the floor or wipe the dust off the windows or simply peel some fruits for the overworked mother. Then he will realise the precious of time and how some people simply squander it away. He will also learn to appreciate the toil of his loving mother, how his mother works for nothing in return (housewives do not earn salary) except some understanding and love from the people she works for.

I suppose most people who find that they have too much time on their hands are people who do not interested in life itself. Their attitudes need correcting. If they look at life with pessimism and then feel depressed about it, obviously things are not going to look interesting. On the other hand, if they look at life with optimism and feel thankful that they are alive, the likelihood will be that they will go out to do the things they love to do, and enjoy every minute of it. The sun shines for people who can do this. Life is never dull. There is plenty to do. Spare time is wonderful time.

Soon ones will leave their parents to pursuing independent lives. I would say it's more than half of their lifetimes they will be living away from the daily taking cares from their parents. So, why can't we spend this lifetime preciously with those who gave our births? This is indeed a serious question which is needed a committing answer. Though life goes on...., one needs not to let the past be a bad history.

In a nutshell, I would like to dedicate this piece of writing to my beloved parents who have been supportive and committed to raising my life. I am sorry for that I wasn't 100% committed to helping you with all those housechore tasks in all those years. However, I am pretty sure that both of you are satisfied with what i had done during the time back then. I am so grateful for being your both son. Here the GREATEST love from me to you, beloved mum & dad.


rEbuildinG,

a piEce of mind

After a week into holidays, i've still felt very restless. I had gone to gym few times, watched the latest movies, read all the books i wanted to, and I found myself with nothing to do. Out of desperation, i even considered getting another part-time job, but i was too lazy to work seven days a week. As i laid on my couch day-dreaming, a loud siren sound of an ambulance woke me up. I was like oh...my goddd! An elderly neighbor of mine had a heart attack. She then was sent to the hospital pitifully leaving her daughter sobbing with so much grief while the Ambulance driving out of her sight from the backyard.

Later that afternoon, i started to consider about my life expectancy. I once read somewhere about an article talking of life extension and immortality. Now there are some critical questions appear in my mind; do i want to live another 30 years? sure. Want to live another 60 years? Probably. Want to live another 200 years? Hmmmm... Why can't i say "sure!" to this last question? This is a really interesting topic. Of course, i am eager to live longer, but i also feel that our desire to live longer as much as possible will lead us to a trap and fault we would never want to fall into. It's really difficult to put this into words. I guess i will need time to clarify my thoughts.

I oftenly asked myself how to live my life without regrets. If i could do one thing in life over again, what would it be? Am i brave enough to bare that part of my life? I would love to be asked all these questions and would love my answers to be rewarded by just one miracle. If only it comes to reality we may find that we no longer have any regrets. Well, we can't predict the future which lies ahead of us to be happenned as exactly as we want it to be nor change the past which is already driven.

Life goes on; so why not let do something to move forward.One of the most difficult things to accomplish is to successfully plan for the future. Once you do it right you'll positively get most of your possible expectations as planned; let say it'll be fruitful. On the contrary, if you fail, there'll be some other unexpected facts lie upon you in which cause you some more possible tough decisions to be re-taken into further consideration for another future plan. Biologically speaking, in most cases, people are born equally, and they happen to live their lives differently due to the effects of their surroundings including family status, society where they belong to, peer groups, so on and so forth. I would say, likewise, decision makings, furthermore, play more important role in differentiating people's future. It may cause a rich man collapse as a poor one, a smartie to a dumbie, a well-being to a handicap ...etc. Any aspects can happen or be happenned in such case.

Some thesises, on the other hand, appear to be against the above idea, the decision making. It states that once it's not too late to re-decide there's always another chance for an affordable good future. Nothing can change us if we don't want to change ourselves; be content with what we are, and be positive & confident with what we do. It's such a great idea indeed, but to some certain conditions of an individual, it somehow appears to be impossible to re-decide; let take into consideration a condition of a single guy whose life is in a critical condition due to the fact that he has made wrong decision in pursuing his early independent life away from home. That poor guy, for example, belongs to a society where family's benefit should be taken as a threshold before going on further to self-decision-making. He grew up in a family that has faith on him. Family and friends are necessary parts of his life. They act as companions in his voyage through life. With them he experiences and shares many things. He learns how to love, hate, laugh, joke and be a normal functioning human being. After a defeat of his so-called wrong decision-making, he somehow aims at re-making some more possible decisions which may later brighten up his life's plan, but if he does so then he will end up changing his family's future as a whole since he's still part of his family. With such reasons in his head, he started to devote things and lose his chances one by one, but he's embraced to follow his instinct just to make his family feel positively about him. He believes once his whole family is happy he'll be content to be happy as well. This also counts couples' lives. you're meant to satisfy your spouse and kids. LOVE is all about devotion & sacrifice.

I have to come to the end of this talk, and will need to reclarify my thoughts and will have to give in if there'll be some better solutions suggested. I believe each idividual has different opinion regarding his/her life's trend & decision making. Somes choose their own happiness outweight their family's...it's their decision to make a happy life, and it's hard to decide what makes a happy life for we can't agree on a definition of happiness that's acceptable to all. One man's idea of happy life could be entirely different from another man's and what a third man considers to be a happy life may be acceptable neither to the first nor to the second.

All in all, all i am certain is that nothing can make your life happy unless you know how to feel happy. Yet, i will need to be more cautious for the next upcoming decision-makings of ma life journey. If i continue to live my life unchecked, i cannot imagine what my future will be? what my life will become? How will i be ended up? And where will i be living at? these are some of the serious questions that need to be answered and steps must be taken in order to avoid possible calamities.


rEbuildinG,

compEtitions in modErn lifE - my viEw

In school we compete for better grades. In sports and games we try our best to beat the other competitor or competitors. The commercial world is an ongoing race for more profits. Countries try to subjugate other countries by means of force. As a whole, the human race has engaged itself in a mighty round of competition. No one is spared. The winner reaps his gains, the loser withdraws to compete another day, just like me for instance.

Competition is very much a part of modern life. In every sphere of human activity there is some form of competition going on, be it to a larger or a smaller degree. Some of us cope well; and there are some who fall by the side. Yet there are some who shun competition, preferring not to get involved.

for those who cope well, competition allows them to develop and realise there abilities. Record-breaking feats by athletes make us realise that human being are capable of wondrous performances. The four-minutes- a mile was an impossibility a few decades ago. Now, any world class miler can break four minutes with ease. Training and competition have resulted in improvements beyond our wildest dreams. Nobody can say for sure what sort of times and distances future runners, jumpers and throwers will be capable of. It is left to be seen what keen competition can produce.

In actual competitions we see faults all over the place. Punching, kicking and elbowing are common sights in a soccer match. Pushing, jostling and tripping are part and parcel of distance running. why do these competitors indulge in such illegal acts? the reason is obvious - to beat the other guy, to be the champion, by all means. Such a bad attitude among competitors is a result of our obsession with competitive sports. The original purpose of participating is forgotten. The main purpose now is to win, regardless the costs and the number of people that we trample on the way.

Competitiveness has spilled over to our everyday life. Nobody actually knows why we study so hard to get better grades. We only knoe that we have got to have good grades in order to further our education. Why do we have to further our education? The common answer is that so that we can get a good job and so on and so forth.

Those who obtain many distinctions in an important examination wear distinctive smile. A happy smile is a sign of success. Yet there are many by the side who at best can manage an indifferent look. Most wear frowns and sad faces. These are people who did not quite make it. In the competition for good grades, the achievers rejoice, the non-achievers grieve. The education system has produced generation of people who judge a person by the amount of certificate he has. A graduate is automatically a respected person. An unskilled labourer is to be avoided. We have forgotten how to see a man for what he really is.

As long as we compete, we will have to put up with the bad effects as well as enjoy the good effects. We will have to suffer increased unemployment while we produce more graduates. We will have to live with pollution as we produce more motor rides. We will see more broken limbs as we see more goals scored. This is all about competition in life, and we have to live with this fact. I have to come to the end of this talk. I could still go on indefinitely if I extract many of my own stories to tell, but I'd rather to pause here because it's all just about the scandal competitions I have done. Any comments for this talk would be appreciated. Thus again I have to give in to expectation and sign off.


rEbuildinG,