montrEal, mE, and a lifE in bEtwEEn

When i started writing about this post few days ago, i was going to talk about the ridiculous comments i got from my online diary - at a site. I have been thinking a lot about those comments which are from anonymous readers in that last post, as well as from this blog post, from a friend. I am pretty touched whenever people tell me something kind and genial, in this case, to be good to myself, I appreciate that; i really do and thanks for all those words of encouragement.

However, one thing i don't like to hear from the comments is PITY. To be honest, i hate being pitied. People can dislike me, hate me, or have no use for me, but they can't pity me. I feel no more of the need of pity from people cuz the more they pity me and act different way - to me, it reeks humiliation. And well i feel humiliated quite enough on my own, and would not like anyone else adding to it. I suppose I recently have such a strong feeling about being pitied because I know what I feel like when I pity someone; it's a mixture of sadness and heartbreak, and worse, i do really know what it is like to have pity be the emotion that moves me to do things I don't really want or not ready to do and to be. Well, I guess that is the thing with me: in life, there is much for which we have no choice, and it is hard for me to accept that; it is hard for me to feel those emotions I simply do not want to feel. It is, therefore, just like we can banish unwanted thoughts, I wish I could banish unwanted feelings.

Well now, here comes another day and i no longer want to talk about that comments thingy. I am exhausted now; terribly, terribly exhausted, and i really have no idea why???? It has been almost same same same stories since i started writing about things related to me - my problems. And well, that's still a problem, so here i am blah-blah-ing about it again.

It really, really gets me down cuz the thing i thought would resolve everything died in the water. Now I'm paying for my deeds, and solutions seem nonexistent. Life is really hard and sucky and depressing and weighing on me like a ton of bricks. And you know when you're in a bad situation, how you just want it to be over with? That's how I feel: desperately wanting for this to be over with and frustrated as each day ends without any changes. Between my growing frustration and the anger I feel at myself, I am beyond defeated. I would give anything to go back months and years to a time when I could have avoided all this. Meanwhile, there's another part of me that feels that even when I do find a solution of some kind, it just isn't going to be the same. In other words, there is no real solution here. And basically, it's damn hard and I feel like, despite my best efforts, there is no right solution. I'd say there is, of course, some crappy things I'm dealing with. That even counts those disappointments and dramas. On top of that, it is going to be another day to get moving as summer is already right at the corner. SEE....???? That is just a whole other bag of suckiness. Right now, I am taking steps to work this out, to find a resolution that works best for me personally and for me as a son. I just hope I can fix this and move on because right now I feel like I fell into this pit of gloom, and now that I have no real reason to be in it, I'm wondering how to get out. I want to get back to my own brand of normal. I wonder if i am able to manage to be depression-free and keep everything running smoothly, and not give in to my negative feelings, and to keep myself and my life above water and moving forward.

I don't really socialize with happiness. It's to me, no way to live; it's one of those things I privately work on very, very hard to conquer. I don't know if I believe the saying that happiness is a choice. I think that I mainly disagree with that thought, but I do feel that our reactions are choices. So I have chosen to behave in certain ways that keep the darkness out. I force myself, on a daily basis, to cut my own bull****, to deal with the anxiety, to just be a man & a son and suck it up. I fail a lot I'd admit, but I keep trying. I keep constant sight of the person I want to be & the principles I want to guide my life with. And then I try to act on it. I will always over-analyze, always have plans B, C, D and E lined up, always view whatever happiness and peace I experience as a rare gift I must treasure and savor and enjoy to their fullest. I don't want to be like everyone else. I don't want my job to suck the life out of me.

When all is said and done, there's never a day that i will stop thinking about the fragility of the life I have built in this LAND cuz it will be ever-presented in my life. The ways of life here and in our society tell me that there is no joy or wonder left anywhere or in anything. Maybe it is all this which is making me so exhausted. This feeling of who I am now and what I want to be in the future are inherently at odds with my sad city - Montreal, with my deplorable country - Canada, and with my life-long habit I'd love to break in all these rough years.