a path of angEr that is EndEd

This Fall cozy dawn has poised me to stay awake with this beating rhythm i could now feel from the box of my chest. Every beating is telling me things which are to be compromised with this yet feeling that is oriented toward a supposed grievance. As a result, i am now starting to reconsider the attitude course of my once-in-a-long-while frustration. I hadn't been that pissed-off(about things in general) for a quite long time. Before since, no matter what negative things i felt, or even things about the relationship ones, anger had been somewhere always down the list. I usually remind myself that every day i live with is a meditation lesson toward improving my life course into very less negative as possible as that it could be. But, for this sudden moment, i'm regretting.

~

The pull of history, of the past habit formed over few years before years ago - and which was very hard to separate from - has gotten back and haunted me. It was too laced with my commitment, a pure commitment of what one may hard to possess, a decisive commitment for an unknown result. Just as the habit was lost to me forever, the striking act of binding myself to an expected reaction began. That strike had brought the fragility to the present beautiful bond, and it came to pass before that meditation lesson was fulfilled...

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There had been in my then-life, a sort of conditioning about how bad i was with my temper..., how bad i was so always angry,... and how bad i was to always carry my continuous anger and express it. It came from many directions, not just my failed relationships. I hate to look back and see that i had always had a temper, hate to realise that i just have boiled that temper, and hate to feel that at some points, the temper became the thing that defines me. To people outside the friendship zone, i am just a someone with my own distinctive way of life. To those whom once experienced my temper, i am basically just known to be explosive and wild in my anger, and i can't seem to avoid that label. There just came a point where they somehow considered that nothing i felt was valid or worth discussing or fixing because everything fell under the category of 'Sopheak's temper'.

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For i have now decided to bind myself in a light i want to live and enjoy with, i fundamentally get to this point where i need to change from being reasons and perfections oriented to just easily accept easier approaches and to approach the easiest thing to do in order to cope with the way to avoid an unpopular life. And i will, starting from today, stop expressing anger and anythings that resemble it. Will try to swallow it and will say YES when i mean NO; will always go along; and submit. Being understanding that the minute i raise a concern or objection, i'll be categorised as 'angry or mad' or 'temperamental' and whatsoever i feel will lead to the labels . I really need not to see that my feeling will be swept aside and considered worthless with the two mentioned labels they're based on. And, therefore, i'll never need to address my objection with whatever words to resolve my tension; doing so i will lose the person's interest or love or whatsoever specials in their insides.

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In a manner that facilitates, let the truth again slice into me that i must purge myself with the agony i cannot now concede. I'm ashamed to voice this out loud, but there it is. I must stop myself before i again get to that place where i'm too near to saying the things that may turn the person away from me. Because this is not what i want to do. I don't want to lose people for trying to express what and how i feel, or for asking questions for better understandings. Hence, I must not speak. I must stop. I must let my voice trail off. And I also must, just in case to ignore the hurting facts, instead make some fatuous speeches that will allow me to safely retreat.

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Do i sound guilty here? Are the above, apologetic paragraphs? I seem not to be able to answer these questions. I used to feel emptiness had built a home in this self's effort to not attain goals, to not enable me to share any space of my life with people or any special individuals, unceasingly. I felt the full weight of me upsetting and disappointing people had blamed back at me. It blamed me for i had used too many reasons for myself being angry, too many reasons for perfections. And to the deep of the actuality, i felt justified enough in feeling the angers. I had every basis to feel so..., i had every reason to feel it, and quite frankly, i felt it so rightly - but only that at some points it was appealing to me that every of my reasons had broken people's trusts and beliefs put in me. And so, all the consequences fell on me because the weights of commitment i invest there in the deal were always heavier.

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At this time period, i just want a continuous one more day with whom, to me, i can't afford to break her feeling. I will try to push aside the fact that there will be no more problems coming in, those which just keep constantly rehashing the same old ones. Will also fight against the growing feeling that i was not happy, that my belief and hope had turned into something where each and everyday i had to be less confident. The roller coaster between these uncertain feelings and 'happy' had been somewhat too insane in which i wish not to go by again. No matter what goes on i'll put my thought on a line, the line that borders facts and lies.

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The truth always comes to the surface, and it's doing just that. And i don't want my heart to be just one big black hole of despair again and...again, ...in another time; ...and repeating.
~

an ExpirEd dignity, a onE timE thing!

BLOGSPOT! Once in a long while, i am back. Three months without posting here, has been somewhat so persistent to the mind of this self. Though Wordpress has become, instead, continually a trash bin where to digest most of my crappy paragraphs, the thing is, i feel like i just could no longer stick there having my posts blamed back at me every time i log in; i feel like i need to do something here and there. For some reasons i am back with this Blogspot with a revealing and a sorriness to extend.
~

In the wake of this self's ever greatest worthlessness, i would have preferred doing otherwise or living otherwise, or would have that a-just-one-time-history taken place at nowhere and in no time. What i meant by a history here, is a brand new history. How could i ever let myself got overcome by things, an ever purest desire ever. Things which were foreign to me..., they settled in..., little by little they destroyed my dignities for just a glimpse of a feeling of being belonging to ones. They began to rule. When i was in years before those yesterdaysss, this isn't the life i dreamed of. I didn't dream of this self influenced life because i wasn't this type of person. I was full of proud and dignity. As soon as i started opening my door for just a one time possibility..., my self-worth fell apart. Now i have the impression that my this-minute-life today doesn't correspond to my true nature. Not at all; not even a very tiny bit. I have the impression that i have not changed. Still full of dignity and proud, but unable to prove it to others..., so i am alone and the only one in this so-called self-regard. And that is so simply and ugly awful if counted with the deed. Like a spider man i wear a mask. Mentally i am fine, but historically i am ill.

~
To have built up so far a strong model type of a guy, to have journeyed under a moral of obligation to do things, to have spat out words to reassure trusts - only to end up today with an expired dignity. This was not what this self had foretold. So, now i have seen it through - the worst part of relationship regardless whether or not it was because of wrong read feedback. There has been a strange mix of occurrences which all spread to my mind in such an odd, and later emotionally draining away.

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Light peeks through clouds; rain leaks through sky. I am really just hoping that this unforgiven deed and this self remorse will later have really begun to give way to a return trust and a compassion that support a willingness to forgive. And this is more than i could ask for...

~

nEw yEar rEsolution

It's once again New Year, my Khmer New Year. Every year i come up with different innovative resolutions to get fulfilled. Some get accomplished, while some remain abandoned, and most of which - the hardest part - is the releasing of unwanted chronicle events. I sometimes find myself thinking about the history and memories, and the resolutions versus the possibilities of its outcome, and then there came a point for me where i had to stop conceiving all i'd been through, all i could be or become, and focus on just what was, what i could acquire the most - but when everything is said and done, these endless things still haunt me.
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I struggled then and yet i am still so hard struggling here. Two questions raised here are: why are those histories worth sticking with my memory? Why can it be not just a climax point to straighten out my life to be just 'for better or for worse'? I wish i had a set of answers for this!?!? The idea of letting go of the history has been continuing to be a very difficult task for me. Because of those distinct events, i have maintained myself as an obsolete someone, as someone who would be just a doormat, a someone who would get out there and have entirely different attitude about the whole thing from others.

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For now, i have started to walk my life with this blogging thingy again. I have come to a phase where i will start from a frozen point - a below zero degree. I have been by self nurtured to learn to live with those memories and history. I have yet no any anticipation of fulfillment that I can do anything with them besides moving them somewhere more distant from my day-to-day thoughts. I want they are just there, not within my reach (for my own sake), though not completely forgotten.

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So here, there's no more drama of New Year resolutions. The plan now is to just live, by allowing the thoughts and feelings acknowledge the cruel facts, but then stop before i dive into its misery. I don't want to deny, but i don't wanna let it consume me anymore.
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Goodbye resolution!
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sEaling off

Of this late, about a week or two, i started to get scared of communicating with people whom i very closely+intimately know. I am scared just because i'm afraid the amount of commitments that i'd use to put in conversations would not be strong enough to persuade those persons to rightly feel that i do honesty care about them. I am getting tiring so pretty oftenly, recently. I feel like i no longer care to be strong or brave for someone(s) - so, that made me lashing out in ways i didn't want to. I wish there was always a way i could diplomatically explain those persons not to get me wrong by whatever ways. I guess it's smelly hard, so i again and again end up being ignorant as i used to be. I didn't mean to not evenly responsible for everything, because I was and that was why i sealed myself off emotionally from ways i wanted and played a big role in making everything fall apart. So yeah... it brings out the ugliest parts of me. I know sorry is something i don't wanna say, not because i did what i have done to hurt those somebod(ies), but because sorry won't make anything back or cause sh*ts away.

So here... i'm injecting what I felt and feel, because i remember very clearly all that was flowing through me as I wrote and talked those words - and here i'm noting down and trying to remember those cruel parts of me before everything is definitively changed.

I purposely posted this picture of me

with my 7 years old glasses

*

moments passEd

At my age, assuming i am not the victim of my own temper. The last couple of weeks have stricken me one sharp blow, dramas, and some general crappinesses. Living through this life-falling-apart, thing has made me cautious in a way i never expected to be. I lately react to people with more protective of my feeling, of the choices i make and the way i behave that could damage my feeling. What everyone wants from life is continuous and genuine happiness. Three passions have governed my life: the longing for satisfying my beloved ones' needs, the self rebuilding, and the will to prove people wrong with their critical judgements on me. I believe a person will get tougher and grows up when facing obstacles in his/her life and i wish god will at any chance offer the blessing to this kind of person.
~

I guess i just can't connect together all the lines of those crappy things which were lately happened in one long post, and the point is... that wouldn't be worth reading and that would end up as one more another crappy post here. Let say it’s been so distressing to say something that is of no importance to others. But, the one thing i'd want to raise here and to say that it makes me ache in the most awful way is that i am underestimated.

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So here the thing, the thing that when i feel like(once in a life time) to detail my account or to be honest of how i feel and of what i have done, it by default puts people in a position where they feel compelled to offer me with their instant feedback or advice and blame me as though they were right in my shoes without even weighing the real situation. I want to die at that point, because i feel like i spitted on my own face. I want to die for the fact that they could read the bad part from my telling, but why couldn't they accept my reasons for having done so? The whole purpose of sharing my feelings to people is just to share them; and that's it! I'm not fishing for compliments and neither I'm fishing for arguments. And I'm not painting myself to cover my crooked part either. I just don't understand why they can't judge me the other ways. If i was that real bad and if i knew myself i was that bad how could i just say things out? What a guy in his right mind would want to do so? How could i reveal my own scandals and pretend to seek for advices. Can't they just listen to the detail and find out the truth in me within time? Can't they just let the facts speak about themselves? Don't they know i have spent some years being rejected in every possible way? It is so saddening to see when you reconcile with someone and they can't really believe in your reality or your commitment to them.

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Well, things have happened. Yet, i've spent so much time trying to re-clarify the content of my cognition, trying to fix the words that had been spoken out, and trying to console the broken feeling that had been downed. I so rarely regret things I do; i am instead mostly bothered by the things I did not do or did not say. And it seems to me here, laying on the bed right now with so many things to talk to myself for that i can't ignore staring me in the face, that there has been a shift inside me, the maturating change.

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Echoing in the ears, there's now a whispering of a manly quality telling me that everything depends on this one memory, that one moment, and my ability to remember it, to build the story of my life and give that life a meaning; the life that has been refused to afford some good lucks; the life that is hard to get a certainty for its feeling. I wish that kind of certainty comes again, but just once more in this lifetime.

~

this far

Every week, there's like a number of fixations rotate in and out of my mind. Some last few days, others stay longer. The point is they are there.... I've warned myself not another sad post, not tonight. I will not write it, i will not talk about it. Not another depression to be detailed here, not today. I will not detail about it, no i won't: I said!

Yet, i forget. I, however, forget that i'm not the only left falling into this excruciating emotion trap. Though i have the conviction of the world's best poker face - and yet, however determined i am - i don't always want to be this strong and emotionless. Sometimes, i just want to be sensitive and take everything personally; i just want to be not made to feel like a loser for that! i want my questions to be spoken out straightly by me and have them honestly and patiently answered.

I have striven so hard to be this inactive. I have made this far, so i can go on further still. I'll fight all the way through the climax. And however true or untrue that may be, it is lost on me in the day-to-day. I said it's okay. I will always express this confirmation no matter, in one way or another, in the future this could be true or untrue. I say this without a shred of self-pity, without wanting someone to tell me that i am so pitiable. Right now, i am a loser; an officially loser! What else can i be? When you look at the real happening for what it is, there's little amount of people would encourage me to keep fighting forward. Of course, i don't tell anyone i am a loser; i instead try to explain what's going on in my heart, the feeling i have about my determination and the way others might put a blame on me about how i become such a loser.

Thus far, there is no way for me to get into the details of the HOWs and WHYs here. There's never enough space for it, and this isn't the place for that. This is about just me - for what i have been or will be going through and how my life is changing and how i am dealing with it all - and the role this fact plays in my life. I know there are much more ahead before i really feel better. This ending was a long time passing, but it makes no difference when it's still slapping you right in the face.

I look at my life now as if every action is practice. Practice for the moment that i am now truly alone, with no one to help me in anyway, thou i also don't need help. I have been thinking about the way most of the posts shown in this blog will reflect the next new aspects to come in my life. I am sure some people have been through all what have been written here, so they are now on a journey with me, and i really wish, for their sakes if not my own, that i could turn this blog into something more amusing and with more various talk-outs than it's really going to be.

Thence, i only wish to remember that everybody including me is like this in one way or another; that some experiences or facts are worth taking and shouldn't be measured up against the past nor the future. And i also believe the way in which life takes away then turns right around to give more than you ever thought you could contain.

Joy denied is joy multiplied. Hope diminished is hope everlasting!

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a littlE rEply

I knew from the very beginning before i started this blog that there were surely some topics going to off limits. Though i aimed at writing about whatever i want & feel without fear of any problems arising, my choice to avoid certain topics has been driving my need to protect what are needed to be protected; to avoid dramas; to respect others' seclusions. But, there are times when the mood strikes me, i may feel something that i need to share here and i just want to publish all what i cite in my another very personal daily online diary.

Sometimes by sometimes, i find it so hard to describe things with an indirect pointing out manner. This seems like i build walls surrounded myself and try to shout out loud to the outsiders whether or not they could hear me. No matter what i say when i talk about myself to others, when i try to dig out all what's from the deep down of my mind, the truth is that i build walls around myself to protect any and all real emotions. As my life passes through periods of difficulty, sadness & transition, people have been reaching out to me - some to try to make sure i am fine and in my right well-being, others to offer their supports, and some others just to let me know they are there, concerning about me. It aches to the heart when all i could respond to is nothing - instead, being ignorant to those intended warmheartednesses. No matter how hard I try to ignore that (in a good way) i admit that I do really & ofently think about it - those un-replied messages.

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Heretofore, being ignorant, is somewhat a perfect adjective defining myself. It's a very negatively charged term branded here. To a certain point, i may not be able to clarify why i bring up this word to this post? How much explaining should i do when someone finds out that i am this ignorant - but there, the title of this blog, says it all. My heart sweats when i think of those purposely-not-replied messages, and i imagine what it might have looked like if i replied back momently, what it might have changed if i further read the flow of all the conversations.

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This is the part where I get stuck, where I keep deleting the paragraphs and staring at the blank space for a lot of minutessss.... because this is the part where I have to write that my everything has ended, definitively ended, and that the life I've known, the life I'd thought I'd have, is over. Now that i've turned back to emptiness. This emptiness offers me a chance to do things that console me most right now: to have a long more pause cuz i don't want questions about my being; i don't want to ponder my past and its many failures; i don't want to worry more about what may or may not be; I don't want to be agitated over how worthy i am or am not of someone else's time, attention, affection, etc.; i don't want to wonder if i will ever find someone who will look deeper and see me for all that i am and can be. And so - emotionally tormented - i am willing to shut my speeches down. I am now on my break.... my long mind-vacation.... to have my anguishes seized, and not let so much hinge on every little thing.

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I guess overall, i have done well enough in keeping a balance wheel of being open & honest to others but also keeping private about what i want to keep private. I'm now on a path which is both terrifying and completely foreign, and i have no clue what the heck is going to happen next. I want to believe it will all be o.k., and deep inside i know it will be, but right now, there are just these - the sadness, emptiness and overwhelming sense of failures. It will all be fine, i pray, but before there is sunlight in my life again, I have to embrace and survive these darknesses.

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So I am now learning and practicing. To be self-sufficient. To do things i never thought i'd need to do. To live this destined life of mine. To take a long break. To be alone....

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to my dEarly dad - i pray

The sky was so grey. The rain began as i made my way to close the windows. Afterward, few lines of text messages appeared: "Bro!! Today, dad has a very serious diarrhea.... He could not even talk now. Everyone in the house is so worried about him.... We took him to the hospital...."

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These sentences seem to suck the energy out of me and the tears out of my eyes. I eventually wept again. I could hardly feel the surrounding nature all of the sudden. My eyes were so watering blurred and my hands were irrepressible shaking. The only sound i could feel then was the quivering and shaky motion distracted from my inside mourning body. The pain of the moment, though now deadening in its intensity, prompts me to conceive my other plans. This has been the second time i heard my dearest daddy was brought to hospital. Now everyone in the family is traumatizing affected. I don't know why this is happening and how to stop. I don't know.... i really don't know! It's like a bad dream but i can't seem to make it disappear. I don't want to be here, and all this drama going on is so strong. The sorrow i am sensing right now is indescribable. It's just too much pain, and it's driving me insane. I wish i could wipe that illness off my dad by just one rub.

~

==> GOD, I HOPE YOU REALISE YOUR OWN MISTAKE, SO PLEASE FIX IT IMMEDIATELY!

To dad, I wanna let ya know that i more than do care about you. The love in my heart toward you is undeniable. Forever grateful is what i am to you. You're always there for me with a time to share about how i feel, what/when i need and what i should do. If i could ever write a story, it would be the greatest and longest ever told of a kind and loving father like you who has a heart of gold. If i could ever write a million words, still, i am unable to say just how much i love and miss you every single day.

It's almost certainly sure that no one can imagine how i am feeling right now about everything involved - i said: E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G! I wish there's always a god up there in any part of this space to have seen what's happening to my dearly father.

So, i pray for that.... and there you hear it - GOD!

~

i wantEd to, but thEn i could not

I was supposed to drop so many lines here for today's blogging, but i was just stucked as though there had been something or some causes clawing me back to pause - and, instead, exposing that above scrolling texts. I've learnt that forgiving is not forgetting and neither should it be, because if we forget, we open ourselves again to that same kind of hurt and suffer. Yet, no one would realize there are hundreds of reasons behind this post. There are days when i feel like it was just yesterday, and others where it feels like it was a lifetime ago. When i look at where i stand, at the threshold of making that destructive decision, and wonder at the differences between now and then, i start to realized this is what i've been enduring....

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i need somE big guts

I see my daily life as an unsolved puzzle board which each piece and clue of unmanageble and unending riddle is scattered. I always end up in the same place: frustrated, angry and hurt over trying so hard and being so open and ending up empty. Tellingly, if possible, i prefer not to be in contact with people besides those few exceptional ones. It isn't that i do hate being socialized, but i'm afraid people might be unable to accept my this-moment-type-of-me and vice versa.

Despite anything to the contrary, i lately feel as though i am so lack of having a feeling of delight at being entertained because of the self-entitled-motto type, outcaste. Though it's the only term i consider as best corresponding to the emphatic form of me, i am, somehow, in a need of entertaining from others still. As yet, i have been battling with what has got to be this stupid rediculous decision ever: involve or not to be involved with people? Should or shouldn't i? I know i could always bring together in peer groups, but to do so i need some big GUTS to tear off that self entitled term. Whatever this might have been, only time proves it all.

a loss i am going to includE

It was an undeniable costly damage; the price that was sadistically paid for an unexpected greeting I can never ever forget. It was one of the most stupid intentions i've ever done in this entire life, and the incidence is yet so overwhelming in my thought. I just came to know what he is really upto. I was stunningly shocked to hear those very few words that kill my warm feeling of gratitude. I was holding back whatever feelings i had at that moment to think - angry, upset, or mad? To think that the one i always appreciated, to think that the one i always regarded as among the closest ones, what that Mr. right said was really no base and over generalized. I hate to be judged that real fast. It seems like my head was drilled to the brain.

There's so much tied to this world. One can never be able to escape from words of criticizing, mocking, comparing, and more further. One can never live perfectly with his/her mind of satisfaction and desire - but, instead let majority to decide the way life is, or else he/she would be branded as whatever the majority feels. I hate this way societies condemn the lively part of arts and some things new. I so damn hate the way societies push its fellow members to carry on what's called its own legacies.

Straightaway, everything has changed now, and i know that my writing here will reflect my struggle and hurt with all this and my efforts to adjust that assumption on me. I am getting way ahead of mysef here.... that i'll one day prove and send back that false interpreting of spitting. Still, i'll maintain the same degree of the skin-deep i've built up until now, protecting what is called pages of my appearance, and, yet, respecting everyone's criticizing & condemnation. I suppose i could have the two very most dearest persons of mine then not involved. I shouldn't have let them shared that spit which was putatively just on me.

To that Mr. right, today will be a memory between me and you. A memory that's drifting away and turns into no connection. A memory that today i turned into tears, tearing us apart.

hErE's thE consEquEncE

I feel like the people whom i believe should know me best have the least faith in me, like they cannot see the whole picture of my intention and instead push me into this blog to which I can by hard digest all the letdowns and frustrations, regardless of all the d*mn intent and effort I put into being a better person.

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I don't blame no one, and neither do i ever blame myself again - but it saddens me to see where i am today, grown apart with all the complete independence which, as a result, ruined all of those possibilities.... It seems there's still an unending riddle to be solved - and it looks as though the more i retreat, the more i put pressure unto that self-accusation.... of mine.

Here's the consequence, hidden in the contents of my deeds and in those my pages that already turned.

provE this can bE truE!

~

As you can see, there are 2 triangles in the above arrangement. The 2 triangles contain 4 differrent shapes in 4 different colors in which all the 4 color shapes of each triangle are all the same in sizes. The 2 triangles are 13 X 5 squares. We rearranged those 4 shapes as shown in the second triangle, but it looks like one square is not covered! Prove how can this be true!

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Answer: to be later updated

~

pillows-night

One pillow, two pillows, and three pillows - i've been using them to hold my head high up in order to dope off in my night. I am now lying down here on my bed, with those pillows supporting my chin and neck, trying to listen to the heartbeat rhythm from the chest of mine, and wondering when the pain and heartache will come to an end.

!

This life of mine is nothing, but a spider's life - which can't help being something of a mess. As yet, I find myself thinking a lot lately about that my days have been touched by a deep and terrible tragedy and blaming myself why i can't maintain my faith and keep forging ahead. I have made mistakes in my life, i have failed to embrace my own dignity, i have let people taking advantages of me, and i have accepted way less than i deserve. And although i have learnt from my bad choices, there are still somethings that can never be changed. I think i am, still, somehow, haunted by the past, forget about who i really am, and live with that delusive expectation. It's a thought i can hardly handle; and it's undoubtedly true!

Of most of the nights, my heart slowly breaks in pieces for how much innocence would my choice take from my family? How very much of them will it destroy? Should their states of being innocent spare this real trauma because of me? Will they one day believe i did something so disgraceful and forever messed them up? I wish they will never know what it is like to confront with this idiot-spider-type me and i grieve for that. I grieve for them and, as well, for myself - for all options i dreamed of and worked extremely hard for. I used to have a clear vision of who i wanted to be and of high of family's expectation i aimed to enhance - and instead, i am here, writing these sentences....

The guiltiness that such a son, such a brother, and such a someone feels, equals no others. This guilt is now killing me cuz i realise.... realise so painfully.... that the kind of life i wanted does not exist anyway. All the long while i stayed under the same roof with family, i was selfless, dependable, committed, helpful and caring. And later when i have been away, i let my personal sadness embitter me, ruin me, fake me, and - last of all - destroy me. My life in short - like a saying said - is like an onion: you peel it off one layer at a time, and sometimes you weep. For this has been the fact of my life - i found it is not worth living!

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I might sound more depressed than i really am - but, still, here's the guilt. The grieving. All that was. All that never was. All that will never be.

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so wEak....

"It's going to be okay!"....this is a consoling sentence which is oftenly repeated from my remembrance; it keeps echoing in my head and keeps encouraging me to strive my daily well-being. I know i will eventually get past all of these unwanted realisms, but that's not where i am right now. Where the hell am i now? What the hell am i doing now? Why am i so frustrated at myself without a single day break? When will all my sadness, frustration and furiousness be no longer too much to bear? I can't stand myself anymore; can't stand with the amount of anger i feel toward myself each day for the reason that i have let it be my second, third, fourth until this hundredth - believing that it wouldn't be such immense; can't stand with the fact that i have reached the point where i can no longer be able to describe my feelings in words. I am feeling so weak again now; ....so weak due to the hint from my hard breathing chest telling me that i am going to get sick at this very next moment; ....so weak due to the reason that i stayed in the rain for hours - this evening; ....so weak cuz i aimed at washing those curses on me under those falling rain; ....so weak cuz i had to stay pretty long with those pouring rain to wash those tears that stain my face and those pains & memories that won't go away!!!!

friday thE 13th

~Thousands of issues are being thrashed in my head. I have been going through some stuffs that no one ever really wants to go through. I am still at a loss for words here; for what on earth i could say i want YOU to understand i more than want to get YOU out as much as YOU want it to be. I'm yet struggling here. I am feeling so anxious and having that same thought like YOURS about leaving them not to be involved. I more than know how that may traumatize them forever; this would be a devastating news. Please don't push me to explain all of this by getting too deeply into something that has been my very personal & secret scandal. One thing i'd beg YOU to remember is that YOU always have my back and shoulder - i'll use them harD~

whEn it comEs back to mind....

Lately.... i somehow made my way down to having enough sleep and sleeping properly+a bit early. The end of being a night-owl or a dawn-owl or whatsoever called was definitely getting near. I felt like I was being able to throw away that almost-a-decade-long-rusty-habit during these past two weeks - but at recent days, i've been again dragged into that big fat mess of habit. I really had a few sleepless night, moving here and there on my bed and thinking about what happened to me in all those moments. I am now experiencing the worst headache ever, and all i could hear right now is my heart is beating much faster than it ever has.
*

The state of being fed-up has been playing in my head over and over again for weeks or months now. Specifically, the fed-up feeling i feel towards a person; actually, it was just the feeling that i felt, because i can't say i feel it any longer.

*
I, again, restarted to have the moment of disappointment and hatred since hours ago as i went through some files in my pc as well as my mail box of my cellular, in which some voice messages had been saved by me for months . It reminded me of those false moments of word and tongue (speech) i had been told and written to. So i started thinking about the type of person i was during all those moments. To be frank , at a point, i'd say i was a so-innocent-guy who had faithfully fallen into the trap of relationship with a strong determination, self-belief, and the state of being so open. I would never know that fact if i was not told that directly. I could never believe it if i was not shown those again & again revealings and excuses. All those relevances - at first, do not seem to bother me at all to retreat (to make the cut) - beside that one-reasonable-word i heard by my own ears. I then thought that ultimately, I was never going to give myself another chance.
*

At another point, i have been thinking to myself a lot lately over what i did wrong and which made me feel terribly awful. And i have to admit that the guilt was hanging over me all time long. I felt as if god had stolen my heart and soul, and had left me to cry myself to sleep each and every night with guilt in my chest. I guess the issue had always been the stand block of that relationship getting worked out. I was blaming myself for that horribly selfish mistake i committed, and all the while a part of me felt like i was never forgiving myself with the deed. I really went through a lot trying to prove points and reasons until i ultimately realised of the fact in which i had been told - a false confession.
*

What i find, as i sit here on the floor against the wall and think of that moment, is how worth remembering it is. And i know this is true mainly because i sweat all the strength of my heart to then again feel the rhythms of it, and i was pretty shocked when i could never realise what i exactly felt had been denied by those few words & reasons. It was a shocked and a fed-up feeling that rose up and grew in me as i observed deep in thought about the outcome that i had never expected and the period of time that i had wrongly interpreted it was going to last long. It has been out of my nature to embrace such a negative feeling as strongly as i did. Well, it is out of my nature since i began to actually deal with my previous real issues few years ago. But i guess i need to feel something, even that feeling is awfully crappy and stupid and cruel. I need to feel it just to get from one day to the next; i need just to feel it until i could find a good way to manage my mind to heal my broken soul and to put everything back into proper perspective. This is how i live my life in all these years - needing to feel negatively towards things until i assume i can handle with it and until i can place all those crappy negative things in a proper place in the account of my life.

*

It's funny and weird for all that I've come to embrace such emotion in public. So what's my problem? I am irritated to death of writing this out. Irritated to the point of being possibly called a loser. Irritated enough that I'm willing to cut my tongue and to forever shut my mouth up. If only i didn't want to get rid of this emotional feeling, i wouldn't have been sitting to update this blog. I guess i don't like to carry these kinds of feeling with me and i tend to end up writing it all down at some points. I am writing this just to show how i feel and why i feel it - it's like, i am putting it all in clear words; i'm now doing what's always advised - write it and forget it. To me, the urge to write is too great to ignore.

*

Yet, looking at my life that's cruelly tormented, here are all the words - the excruciating details of the pain i am feeling right now; the words that i could write out, but can never well explain about the pain.... the unknown pain that clutches my heart and burns in my soul.... the soul that clouds my mind and devours my every thought about those days.... those days of feeling with no regret over the relationship-road i had taken.

"mum"

This might be the Heineken-medicine cocktail talking, cuz it just seems like my focus has been lost, and i am here crafting nothing. What I find myself doing now is staring blankly at the composing space until the 'hme' words come to mind. I don't know if it's the lack of mood to really think and write something, and throw something together with just a minimum of time. I normally have a lot of things and stories stored up to write out, and when those stories run low, ideas come easily to me.

Hme....whatever it is, my head is now getting numb cuz of the effect of those two-330ml-Heineken-bottles and three-Advil-pills. I'd say i am officially sick now, and all i can think of right now is "mum". This "mum" word does always appear to mind every time i feel sick. It seems like the word is an instant medicine sent from god to heal my maladies. It pains me every time i am confronted with the fact that i cause this word needlessly sad. I am now crying inside again as i am again deeply thinking of you, tonight. The love i have for you is so infinite i can't put it in words. The first day i met you, you were holding me and crying out for me. I love you from the very bottom of my heart....; i'm sorry, i'm so sorry, mum!!!!

Rebuilding. Rebuilding. Rebuilding. The word fills me with a longing that hurts cuz so far i could never rebuild. And yet, looking at my life, that's asking too much - I wish i could have an extra life to fulfill all my obligations as fast as i could. This life of mine has been so complicated with those disappointments, guilts, upsets and madnesses almost at every angle of time, except for the fact that i have a quiet life as wished. A lot of this, i know it has to do with my problems and plans, which have lately been really making me feel stressed and depressed. The problems lie in those moment of tragedies i had been tangled with. I just wanna step away from all that my life is now; i just wanna start a new life with a new ME powered by a new energy & strength to do everything i need to do with an open heart.
*

I am sorry, mum and dad; i am so sorry once again!!!! A few fat tear drops slid down each of my cheek at the moment i typed the above words "mum", and my heart starts to ache again now since i realise myself i could so far never be fully committed in being faithful with you. I'd pledge from now on that as long as i have blood rushing through my veins and as long as i have oxygen in my body i will always - and even beyond that - i will always be committed to sacrifice myself back for you. I suppose i am feeling the cumulative effect of being a so-guilty-son for so long now, which means the desire to be the greatest son is amplified a hundred times more that i could be. It's making me want not just to be the greatest one for both of you and family as a whole - but for those who every now and then considered me as bright and later see me as a dim one, and also, last but not least, for those(?) who once used to have a false impression on me and who caused me a hard-to-bite lesson.

*

Mum & dad, i may have let you down and hurt you few times, but only both of you who could always forgive me my crimes. Thank you for bringing me to earth, for all those reassuring words, and for showing me daily love. Here i am sending my loving storm, and this is just for 2 special persons who will always have a place in my heart: This goes out to mum and dad cuz you both are the best and better than all the rest. With those harmonized moments i was with you guys and with the later broken spell i limped off when i had been away from you both - still, i am holding on to what i felt then, the hope and peace i promised.

a lovE trianglE song

Sleep sleep sleep.... is the only hardest task i can't accomplish during the night. Night night night.... seems so calm, and instead there are only wind, snow and rain show its' actions. Action action action.... i can't react, but mourn inside my shabby torn apart chest. Chest chest chest.... you're working just too hard to burden those cruelties, and just to survive my daily life. You're sick now; You're officially sick now; you're going to explode now. I am sorry for that i can't find any medicines to heal your inside wounded pieces. Everything i have wanted disappears from sight one by one. I can't find any reasons to wake up each morning. I've been trying so hard, but can't seem to make anything right again. I really can't escape this hell. My life keeps falling apart no one would ever understand this pain inside me. By facing this pain each day, my heart sinks lower and lower in my chest. Tho i try to block it out from sinking down in accordance not to enable the pain, nothing seems ever help, and i just wanna scream all the days that come and go which is each filled with pain. When i know my heart is broken, when my tongue stops talking, when i need to cry but my eyes are dry then i know i am in pain. When i feel the deepest cut, when i have no reason to live, when i feel my heart needs supply, when i see the morning as night, when my eyes closed cuz i feel frighten and when i feel that i have no soul, then i know i am in pain. When it happens all i can do is nothing, but write it out to express as my hurted feeling progresses.

I am drinking now again. I drink to put myself into asleep again. I drink to heal my wounds inside my heart again. I drink to numb all those painful wounds inside my soul again.... and again. 1st bottle, 2nd bottle, 3 bottle...., is just a quantity for the length of time i no longer be awake. I am not a drunkard i would assure, I am not an alcoholic i would admit. My dad, back then, used to teach me how to drink to heal some problems and diseases, but i was never be able to learn it. Now that i've learnt it by hard and heart when i am invloving with all these happening facts. I am now listening to a song, a Love Triangle song. I don't know why i am so into this song recently, during these weeks. I am this awake just to listen to it and drink along with it. I am in no way referring to someone by posting this song. No one should be blamed in Love Triangle. Love is all about suffering, understanding and forgiving. But, somehow, what the song's lyrics say seems so heartbreaking. He loves her, he cares for her but all he gets back is pain, pain of loss, pain of death. It feels as if he drives a selfish dagger into his own chest cuz he has seen that the kindness in him has been forgotten and never to be found. The sky and those trees moan from the pain they know he burdens. She has brought the pain that he can never forget about what she does to him. She has killed the love he could have brought; she kills what is left of him.

Having been living till this age, i learn that love, it only exists in fairytales. Pain is the only thing that i know for sure is real. No happily ever after. Pain is the only proof to prove my existence is true in life. Pain fuels my will to fight for hopes and to continue living my life longer, in order to eventually show the world that i am so unfair treated to be part of it, to eventually show those i used to hurt that i am sorry, to eventually show the ones i love that i am worth a faithful relationship with each of them. My hope of having a wonderful love is just seemed like the cloud in my judgement. I guess i might don't ever have great love in the future since i can only feel despair and pain ahead. No fairytale ending for me, but only an on going torment.

Having finished my fifth bottle, my face is yet to get red. Guess it can't be red cuz all i can see on my face right now in the mirror is a face painted with color of darkness of pain, which is born from that sorrow, and which is once sung by me, heard by me and understood only by me....sigh....