whEn it comEs back to mind....

Lately.... i somehow made my way down to having enough sleep and sleeping properly+a bit early. The end of being a night-owl or a dawn-owl or whatsoever called was definitely getting near. I felt like I was being able to throw away that almost-a-decade-long-rusty-habit during these past two weeks - but at recent days, i've been again dragged into that big fat mess of habit. I really had a few sleepless night, moving here and there on my bed and thinking about what happened to me in all those moments. I am now experiencing the worst headache ever, and all i could hear right now is my heart is beating much faster than it ever has.
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The state of being fed-up has been playing in my head over and over again for weeks or months now. Specifically, the fed-up feeling i feel towards a person; actually, it was just the feeling that i felt, because i can't say i feel it any longer.

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I, again, restarted to have the moment of disappointment and hatred since hours ago as i went through some files in my pc as well as my mail box of my cellular, in which some voice messages had been saved by me for months . It reminded me of those false moments of word and tongue (speech) i had been told and written to. So i started thinking about the type of person i was during all those moments. To be frank , at a point, i'd say i was a so-innocent-guy who had faithfully fallen into the trap of relationship with a strong determination, self-belief, and the state of being so open. I would never know that fact if i was not told that directly. I could never believe it if i was not shown those again & again revealings and excuses. All those relevances - at first, do not seem to bother me at all to retreat (to make the cut) - beside that one-reasonable-word i heard by my own ears. I then thought that ultimately, I was never going to give myself another chance.
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At another point, i have been thinking to myself a lot lately over what i did wrong and which made me feel terribly awful. And i have to admit that the guilt was hanging over me all time long. I felt as if god had stolen my heart and soul, and had left me to cry myself to sleep each and every night with guilt in my chest. I guess the issue had always been the stand block of that relationship getting worked out. I was blaming myself for that horribly selfish mistake i committed, and all the while a part of me felt like i was never forgiving myself with the deed. I really went through a lot trying to prove points and reasons until i ultimately realised of the fact in which i had been told - a false confession.
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What i find, as i sit here on the floor against the wall and think of that moment, is how worth remembering it is. And i know this is true mainly because i sweat all the strength of my heart to then again feel the rhythms of it, and i was pretty shocked when i could never realise what i exactly felt had been denied by those few words & reasons. It was a shocked and a fed-up feeling that rose up and grew in me as i observed deep in thought about the outcome that i had never expected and the period of time that i had wrongly interpreted it was going to last long. It has been out of my nature to embrace such a negative feeling as strongly as i did. Well, it is out of my nature since i began to actually deal with my previous real issues few years ago. But i guess i need to feel something, even that feeling is awfully crappy and stupid and cruel. I need to feel it just to get from one day to the next; i need just to feel it until i could find a good way to manage my mind to heal my broken soul and to put everything back into proper perspective. This is how i live my life in all these years - needing to feel negatively towards things until i assume i can handle with it and until i can place all those crappy negative things in a proper place in the account of my life.

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It's funny and weird for all that I've come to embrace such emotion in public. So what's my problem? I am irritated to death of writing this out. Irritated to the point of being possibly called a loser. Irritated enough that I'm willing to cut my tongue and to forever shut my mouth up. If only i didn't want to get rid of this emotional feeling, i wouldn't have been sitting to update this blog. I guess i don't like to carry these kinds of feeling with me and i tend to end up writing it all down at some points. I am writing this just to show how i feel and why i feel it - it's like, i am putting it all in clear words; i'm now doing what's always advised - write it and forget it. To me, the urge to write is too great to ignore.

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Yet, looking at my life that's cruelly tormented, here are all the words - the excruciating details of the pain i am feeling right now; the words that i could write out, but can never well explain about the pain.... the unknown pain that clutches my heart and burns in my soul.... the soul that clouds my mind and devours my every thought about those days.... those days of feeling with no regret over the relationship-road i had taken.