"mum"

This might be the Heineken-medicine cocktail talking, cuz it just seems like my focus has been lost, and i am here crafting nothing. What I find myself doing now is staring blankly at the composing space until the 'hme' words come to mind. I don't know if it's the lack of mood to really think and write something, and throw something together with just a minimum of time. I normally have a lot of things and stories stored up to write out, and when those stories run low, ideas come easily to me.

Hme....whatever it is, my head is now getting numb cuz of the effect of those two-330ml-Heineken-bottles and three-Advil-pills. I'd say i am officially sick now, and all i can think of right now is "mum". This "mum" word does always appear to mind every time i feel sick. It seems like the word is an instant medicine sent from god to heal my maladies. It pains me every time i am confronted with the fact that i cause this word needlessly sad. I am now crying inside again as i am again deeply thinking of you, tonight. The love i have for you is so infinite i can't put it in words. The first day i met you, you were holding me and crying out for me. I love you from the very bottom of my heart....; i'm sorry, i'm so sorry, mum!!!!

Rebuilding. Rebuilding. Rebuilding. The word fills me with a longing that hurts cuz so far i could never rebuild. And yet, looking at my life, that's asking too much - I wish i could have an extra life to fulfill all my obligations as fast as i could. This life of mine has been so complicated with those disappointments, guilts, upsets and madnesses almost at every angle of time, except for the fact that i have a quiet life as wished. A lot of this, i know it has to do with my problems and plans, which have lately been really making me feel stressed and depressed. The problems lie in those moment of tragedies i had been tangled with. I just wanna step away from all that my life is now; i just wanna start a new life with a new ME powered by a new energy & strength to do everything i need to do with an open heart.
*

I am sorry, mum and dad; i am so sorry once again!!!! A few fat tear drops slid down each of my cheek at the moment i typed the above words "mum", and my heart starts to ache again now since i realise myself i could so far never be fully committed in being faithful with you. I'd pledge from now on that as long as i have blood rushing through my veins and as long as i have oxygen in my body i will always - and even beyond that - i will always be committed to sacrifice myself back for you. I suppose i am feeling the cumulative effect of being a so-guilty-son for so long now, which means the desire to be the greatest son is amplified a hundred times more that i could be. It's making me want not just to be the greatest one for both of you and family as a whole - but for those who every now and then considered me as bright and later see me as a dim one, and also, last but not least, for those(?) who once used to have a false impression on me and who caused me a hard-to-bite lesson.

*

Mum & dad, i may have let you down and hurt you few times, but only both of you who could always forgive me my crimes. Thank you for bringing me to earth, for all those reassuring words, and for showing me daily love. Here i am sending my loving storm, and this is just for 2 special persons who will always have a place in my heart: This goes out to mum and dad cuz you both are the best and better than all the rest. With those harmonized moments i was with you guys and with the later broken spell i limped off when i had been away from you both - still, i am holding on to what i felt then, the hope and peace i promised.