a crossroad

There the percussion between the past and the present... The blustering wind and torrential rain... Who can control wind and rain? Who can give me one more day, one more second to fight against the will of the truth? Finally, there came a night that everything was ended. How could i just fall down? How could i have spent some months doltishly being rejected without realising it was by all odds going to forever separate eventually? I just realise i missed the deadline after waking up... I forget that i am all the way insecure... I forget that i am at some certain times looking at myself in the mirror, at one point or another, and ask myself: who will ever see value in this?

I faced the limit like a tough war against the world. I breathed to change at the end. I didn't decide then, the decision was clearly made for me to go with that paved route, but how could i be that an uncertainty to not just step out - pretending to be that dumb? I am so overwhelmingly exhausted now. I can not compute any other thought. I'm drowning and breathing with my exhaustion at this point. I'm sitting still like a dumber, more dazed version of myself. Where have gone all those wishes you once said? I guess commitments are really made to be broken. You made me believe that; and so, the best thing to do right now would be to just miss - no more, no less.

In a point of fact, then, i did not even want to break up; i wanted some distance from the relationship even though i had been told there was a crossroad. So, i needed time and space to figure my next steps out; to make a long story short. I just didn't dare to feel too involved in the relationship, and in fact i was giving way too much emotionally to myself silently deep inside, alone - but that one was not, which was fine if that’s how it had to be.

Yet, i don't wanna be sad for a cruel truth that not even dreams can survive. I don't wanna be sad for being stubborn to be sad. I don't wanna be sad for all my weak spots left to be weak. Thus, i should be mainly feeling this way because i can no longer ignore the fact that - in generally speaking - the amount of committing and trusting that I give is a world away from what I get.

Now that one has proved me wrong so let me say goodbye in a sad song; a new sad song that has never been sung; a new sad song i could by heart hardly learn to offset the one song i used to like to sing and listen to - thus, i should stop liking it... The song. The number 4. The 4 dots(....) i would always use for my sentences...

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I guess I've had one sleepless night too many. I yet forget that i all am - in my own ways - fragile, guilty, conceding and...

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