sEaling off

Of this late, about a week or two, i started to get scared of communicating with people whom i very closely+intimately know. I am scared just because i'm afraid the amount of commitments that i'd use to put in conversations would not be strong enough to persuade those persons to rightly feel that i do honesty care about them. I am getting tiring so pretty oftenly, recently. I feel like i no longer care to be strong or brave for someone(s) - so, that made me lashing out in ways i didn't want to. I wish there was always a way i could diplomatically explain those persons not to get me wrong by whatever ways. I guess it's smelly hard, so i again and again end up being ignorant as i used to be. I didn't mean to not evenly responsible for everything, because I was and that was why i sealed myself off emotionally from ways i wanted and played a big role in making everything fall apart. So yeah... it brings out the ugliest parts of me. I know sorry is something i don't wanna say, not because i did what i have done to hurt those somebod(ies), but because sorry won't make anything back or cause sh*ts away.

So here... i'm injecting what I felt and feel, because i remember very clearly all that was flowing through me as I wrote and talked those words - and here i'm noting down and trying to remember those cruel parts of me before everything is definitively changed.

I purposely posted this picture of me

with my 7 years old glasses

*

moments passEd

At my age, assuming i am not the victim of my own temper. The last couple of weeks have stricken me one sharp blow, dramas, and some general crappinesses. Living through this life-falling-apart, thing has made me cautious in a way i never expected to be. I lately react to people with more protective of my feeling, of the choices i make and the way i behave that could damage my feeling. What everyone wants from life is continuous and genuine happiness. Three passions have governed my life: the longing for satisfying my beloved ones' needs, the self rebuilding, and the will to prove people wrong with their critical judgements on me. I believe a person will get tougher and grows up when facing obstacles in his/her life and i wish god will at any chance offer the blessing to this kind of person.
~

I guess i just can't connect together all the lines of those crappy things which were lately happened in one long post, and the point is... that wouldn't be worth reading and that would end up as one more another crappy post here. Let say it’s been so distressing to say something that is of no importance to others. But, the one thing i'd want to raise here and to say that it makes me ache in the most awful way is that i am underestimated.

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So here the thing, the thing that when i feel like(once in a life time) to detail my account or to be honest of how i feel and of what i have done, it by default puts people in a position where they feel compelled to offer me with their instant feedback or advice and blame me as though they were right in my shoes without even weighing the real situation. I want to die at that point, because i feel like i spitted on my own face. I want to die for the fact that they could read the bad part from my telling, but why couldn't they accept my reasons for having done so? The whole purpose of sharing my feelings to people is just to share them; and that's it! I'm not fishing for compliments and neither I'm fishing for arguments. And I'm not painting myself to cover my crooked part either. I just don't understand why they can't judge me the other ways. If i was that real bad and if i knew myself i was that bad how could i just say things out? What a guy in his right mind would want to do so? How could i reveal my own scandals and pretend to seek for advices. Can't they just listen to the detail and find out the truth in me within time? Can't they just let the facts speak about themselves? Don't they know i have spent some years being rejected in every possible way? It is so saddening to see when you reconcile with someone and they can't really believe in your reality or your commitment to them.

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Well, things have happened. Yet, i've spent so much time trying to re-clarify the content of my cognition, trying to fix the words that had been spoken out, and trying to console the broken feeling that had been downed. I so rarely regret things I do; i am instead mostly bothered by the things I did not do or did not say. And it seems to me here, laying on the bed right now with so many things to talk to myself for that i can't ignore staring me in the face, that there has been a shift inside me, the maturating change.

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Echoing in the ears, there's now a whispering of a manly quality telling me that everything depends on this one memory, that one moment, and my ability to remember it, to build the story of my life and give that life a meaning; the life that has been refused to afford some good lucks; the life that is hard to get a certainty for its feeling. I wish that kind of certainty comes again, but just once more in this lifetime.

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my typEs

a rEal dEal

With these very some first sentences starting here, i aimed at shouting to the heaven for a cursing moment that pisses me off and labels me as a somewhat loser. It was such a random thing with a huge impact that has managed to ruin my day - most likely weeks, months, years, or even a lifetime. I am yet flooded with that occurence of an incidence which is still driving me instantly frustrated with how dazed and vague my well-being was. How was that possible i could be provoked into something which is to most people a sh*tty consequence. How could i be not resisting and instead spending some minutes with those sh*tty spits?

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¡ [REALLY][CAN'T] [ANSWER] [FOR] [NOW] !

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All i can say here is a knot was already tightly tied there. I was teary-eyed to bite that bitterness for which i could sooo hardly bear with. With the couple first minutes it happenned, i broke into tears of resentment. I stood up breathless, feeling like having tons of rock in the tight chest, but then i felt the need to step back and to be less involved so that i could be on a more equal level. I have been doing since then self-persuadings... ; i tried to educate myself there about what i had reacted was purposely pro-Buddhism. I did that for the purpose of loving my beloved ones. I did that for peaces... I did that for self-rebuilding. I did that for those trusts and perspectives which have been put in me. And... then i did that with a self consent to put my manhood down.

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As yet, i can't predict whether that cruel occurrence will ever come back to me again, or it is already gone for good? If i was to lose, how will i survive with that memory? How will i keep pace with it? How much does my life lastly matter if in the end i won't be able to forget it for good? I'm wondering if only i could capture that moment in time and bottle them up and have the bottle buried deep underneath any deserts.

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Here i'm writing and telling myself: whatever happens i will go back to that one memory, that one night comforting my magma-temper. It's going to be possible, i keep saying... It's going to be possible that i'll be able to hardly strive to burn the moment with the deed that destructs my status of being a man.

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titlE lEss

For what on earth how could this be true? Right at this moment i feel so defeated and overwhelmed that i can't even really describe things i want. I really don't know what i am going to fight for? Been thinking of why i try so hard to be open and honest when it doesn't make others to be open and honest in return? Why i make myself sick trying to be an all-around great person when there is no one who looks at me and thinks i am what they need and want? Why i'm worried about others, when no one worries about me? Why i go nuts trying to find thoughtful ways to show how i care when no one does that for me? I have made few attempts to figure out the matters. Been trying to look everywhere for clues - in the challenges that come my ways, in the strength of my faith, in all advices i got from people, and in all experiences i have been through - but the greatest clue i think is inside me.

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For god's and my own sake, i have devoted a good amount of time on my well spending 10-days-off, helping relatives with their mission loads as well as teaching myself to get against the will. Life has now made me to be what i once was going to willingly choose to be. And, i seemingly feel both prophetic and surprising here.

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For today, i started to go back to work. For some reasons, here i post 2 shots at my workplace. And a freshly taken picture of mine - a geek in red. Sorry, no glasses again!

~

world XI playErs awards shortlist

If anyone really watches most competitive leagues in Europe, then it is not such a difficult task to identify the best soccer players from last season, 2007-2008. On top of those performances, the Euro 2008 shall not be considered because it doesn't consist all players in all European leagues. The FIFpro (Fédération Internationale des Associations de Footballers Professionnels) awards are voted for by 45,000 professional footballers across the world in a secret ballot. Voters must nominate four defenders, three midfielders, three forwards and a goalkeeper. The following shortlist's names are officially listed in the ordering as seen in the picture.

Goalkeepers: Boruc, Buffon, Casillas, Cech, van der Sar.

Defenders: Alves, Bosingwa, Cannavaro, Carvalho, Clichy, A Cole, Evra, Ferdinand, Lahm, Lucio, Maldini, Nesta, Pepe, Puyol, Ramos, Terry, Vidic, Zambrotta, Zanetti, Zhirkov.
Midfielders: Ballack, Deco, Essien, Fabregas, Gattuso, Gerrard, Iniesta, Kaka, Lampard, Mascherano, Pirlo, Ribery, Senna, Sneijder, Xavi.

Forwards: Arshavin, Berbatov, Drogba, Eto'o, Henry, Ibrahimovic, Messi, van Nistelrooy, Ronaldinho, Ronaldo, Rooney, Tevez, Toni, Torres, Villa.

For gods' sake, i would like to add up my tip here for those druken bureaucrats who select best players based on tabloids and advertisemments for some reasons that Adebayor (Arsenal's main striker) is not shortlisted here. For such case, if advertisement has more value, then David Beckham should be included if Buffon is. Anyway, here are my own provisional best XI selections according to the order of preference:

Goalkeeper: Van der Sar (bench: Cech)
Defenders: Alves, Ferdinand, Puyol, Canarvaro (Bench: Terry, Pepe, Bosingwa, Zanetti)
Midfielders: Fabregas, Kaka, Sneijder (Bench: Ballack, Lampard, Gerrard)
Forwards: Henry, Messi, C. Ronaldo ( Bench: Nistelrooy, Villa, Rooney)

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PS: the final World XI and the FIFPro World Player of the Year will be announced on October 27.

maradona to lEad AgEntina to world cup finals?

Diego Maradona, the former Agentina legend - with a hand of god - who stealed a winning goal from England for his country World Cup Glory in Mexico 1986, has revealed he would like to coach Argentina following the surprise resignation of Alfio Basile, the former Agentina coach, the previous day.

"I would be really delighted, who wouldn't, to coach the national team," he said in the Fox Sport World cable channel when asked if he would like a chance. "I am completely willing and at the disposal of the Argentina team."

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Maradona has appeared as a rank outsider in the race to replace Basile, with Miguel Angel Russo, Sergio Batista, Diego Simeone and Carlos Bianchi seen as favourites. Basile, the former coach, quitted one day after Argentina lost 1-0 to Chile in a World Cup qualifier, their only defeat so far this year and their first against their neighbours since 1973.

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On behalf of all Agentina fans from worldwide and as well as being a very loyal fan of Diego Maradona, i would like to see this guy coach Agentina National Team one day, sooner this upcoming term rather than later cuz then i'll be a bit too old to be an active fan. [:be active for wife and kids, instead:]

a crossroad

There the percussion between the past and the present... The blustering wind and torrential rain... Who can control wind and rain? Who can give me one more day, one more second to fight against the will of the truth? Finally, there came a night that everything was ended. How could i just fall down? How could i have spent some months doltishly being rejected without realising it was by all odds going to forever separate eventually? I just realise i missed the deadline after waking up... I forget that i am all the way insecure... I forget that i am at some certain times looking at myself in the mirror, at one point or another, and ask myself: who will ever see value in this?

I faced the limit like a tough war against the world. I breathed to change at the end. I didn't decide then, the decision was clearly made for me to go with that paved route, but how could i be that an uncertainty to not just step out - pretending to be that dumb? I am so overwhelmingly exhausted now. I can not compute any other thought. I'm drowning and breathing with my exhaustion at this point. I'm sitting still like a dumber, more dazed version of myself. Where have gone all those wishes you once said? I guess commitments are really made to be broken. You made me believe that; and so, the best thing to do right now would be to just miss - no more, no less.

In a point of fact, then, i did not even want to break up; i wanted some distance from the relationship even though i had been told there was a crossroad. So, i needed time and space to figure my next steps out; to make a long story short. I just didn't dare to feel too involved in the relationship, and in fact i was giving way too much emotionally to myself silently deep inside, alone - but that one was not, which was fine if that’s how it had to be.

Yet, i don't wanna be sad for a cruel truth that not even dreams can survive. I don't wanna be sad for being stubborn to be sad. I don't wanna be sad for all my weak spots left to be weak. Thus, i should be mainly feeling this way because i can no longer ignore the fact that - in generally speaking - the amount of committing and trusting that I give is a world away from what I get.

Now that one has proved me wrong so let me say goodbye in a sad song; a new sad song that has never been sung; a new sad song i could by heart hardly learn to offset the one song i used to like to sing and listen to - thus, i should stop liking it... The song. The number 4. The 4 dots(....) i would always use for my sentences...

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I guess I've had one sleepless night too many. I yet forget that i all am - in my own ways - fragile, guilty, conceding and...

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