midada's collection

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counting-down

This is where i was. I mean this post is where i was having my stomach screwed by the return of that fierce ulcer's strike. For four consecutive days for i could never beg for more in life, but to be a healthy person. I was so horrifically worried to have had missed my plan of backing home - to have had missed my family reunion. It is such a huge random thing that has managed to make my unhealthy days, most likely my whole week. And believe me or not that my days in this week have been somewhere between "hell" and "earth", and i wanted just to pick just one of each without having painfully been abused by that stricken disease.

~

Having started to write, i could feel blood is rushing out through my very dried fingers' nails. December is still somewhere in two weeks-time more to come and the weather is already dropping down to -13 degree Celsius.

!

Here's another winter has started tiptoeing into my life..., a lonesome life that's waiting for a new departure. Counting till that day ahead, it'll be exactly the amount of some years with no extra days i will have done living my life in this country's cities. Been spending time alone at this end of very long day thinking everything through - figuring out how my life will be changed after this new transition and wondering how i will be driven by things, the risky-made decisions(?). This through-thinking process makes me review some parts of my past, some choices i've made and why i made them. I know there is so much of my life consumed with me craving for how i have to be better in many ways: more patient, less frustrated, more fat, less revenging, and so far of more and so forth of less...

~

That counts so many years i've been waiting for my one powerful sentence becomes real, the remedying sentence that one day: one day i must return; that i will..., i will always return to Cambodia. So having been here in this country, having been staying up late tonight to describe these things, having been so anxiously counting down to the departure date, and having had things left behind my failure here - i seem to feel that the clock is ticking towards the ending; and there's a shift inside me - a shift for everything.

~

As yet, i'm beginning to wonder. I'm wondering how is it possible that i will fully be able to burn each bad moment of my life here with my departure into my brain. I could foresee that it won't be this soon, but hopefully not other six or seven years to get faded away. Also, i'm wondering when i become an alright man, how will i be able to look back and remember these days, these years? How will i feel and understand the passage of the years, the most unlikely happy moments, the pains, and the small part of fun? And if I can't remember any of it, how much does my life ultimately matter, if in the end, there is nothing for me to look back to...?

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Having wanted to end the last paragraph here, i shall reason out that there's no way to deny: it's obvious that there have always been lusts in my heart for all these years in fulfilling my tasks as a grown man, but then i thought of ways in which had found my temper caused a promising future demolished; how madness blinds me to possibilities...; how i let misunderstandings led me down the wrong path. Suddenly, then, thoughts of becoming the greatest son were all gone...

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Wishfully, it were gone for a better somthing...

!

any potEntial buyErs for all thEsE things?

Why not pay one-cheap-shot for full equipped?

Interested? Pls contact via E-mailing option or ask for cellie.

(this is my advertizement in a local news paper)

!

sEaling off

Of this late, about a week or two, i started to get scared of communicating with people whom i very closely+intimately know. I am scared just because i'm afraid the amount of commitments that i'd use to put in conversations would not be strong enough to persuade those persons to rightly feel that i do honesty care about them. I am getting tiring so pretty oftenly, recently. I feel like i no longer care to be strong or brave for someone(s) - so, that made me lashing out in ways i didn't want to. I wish there was always a way i could diplomatically explain those persons not to get me wrong by whatever ways. I guess it's smelly hard, so i again and again end up being ignorant as i used to be. I didn't mean to not evenly responsible for everything, because I was and that was why i sealed myself off emotionally from ways i wanted and played a big role in making everything fall apart. So yeah... it brings out the ugliest parts of me. I know sorry is something i don't wanna say, not because i did what i have done to hurt those somebod(ies), but because sorry won't make anything back or cause sh*ts away.

So here... i'm injecting what I felt and feel, because i remember very clearly all that was flowing through me as I wrote and talked those words - and here i'm noting down and trying to remember those cruel parts of me before everything is definitively changed.

I purposely posted this picture of me

with my 7 years old glasses

*

moments passEd

At my age, assuming i am not the victim of my own temper. The last couple of weeks have stricken me one sharp blow, dramas, and some general crappinesses. Living through this life-falling-apart, thing has made me cautious in a way i never expected to be. I lately react to people with more protective of my feeling, of the choices i make and the way i behave that could damage my feeling. What everyone wants from life is continuous and genuine happiness. Three passions have governed my life: the longing for satisfying my beloved ones' needs, the self rebuilding, and the will to prove people wrong with their critical judgements on me. I believe a person will get tougher and grows up when facing obstacles in his/her life and i wish god will at any chance offer the blessing to this kind of person.
~

I guess i just can't connect together all the lines of those crappy things which were lately happened in one long post, and the point is... that wouldn't be worth reading and that would end up as one more another crappy post here. Let say it’s been so distressing to say something that is of no importance to others. But, the one thing i'd want to raise here and to say that it makes me ache in the most awful way is that i am underestimated.

~

So here the thing, the thing that when i feel like(once in a life time) to detail my account or to be honest of how i feel and of what i have done, it by default puts people in a position where they feel compelled to offer me with their instant feedback or advice and blame me as though they were right in my shoes without even weighing the real situation. I want to die at that point, because i feel like i spitted on my own face. I want to die for the fact that they could read the bad part from my telling, but why couldn't they accept my reasons for having done so? The whole purpose of sharing my feelings to people is just to share them; and that's it! I'm not fishing for compliments and neither I'm fishing for arguments. And I'm not painting myself to cover my crooked part either. I just don't understand why they can't judge me the other ways. If i was that real bad and if i knew myself i was that bad how could i just say things out? What a guy in his right mind would want to do so? How could i reveal my own scandals and pretend to seek for advices. Can't they just listen to the detail and find out the truth in me within time? Can't they just let the facts speak about themselves? Don't they know i have spent some years being rejected in every possible way? It is so saddening to see when you reconcile with someone and they can't really believe in your reality or your commitment to them.

~

Well, things have happened. Yet, i've spent so much time trying to re-clarify the content of my cognition, trying to fix the words that had been spoken out, and trying to console the broken feeling that had been downed. I so rarely regret things I do; i am instead mostly bothered by the things I did not do or did not say. And it seems to me here, laying on the bed right now with so many things to talk to myself for that i can't ignore staring me in the face, that there has been a shift inside me, the maturating change.

~

Echoing in the ears, there's now a whispering of a manly quality telling me that everything depends on this one memory, that one moment, and my ability to remember it, to build the story of my life and give that life a meaning; the life that has been refused to afford some good lucks; the life that is hard to get a certainty for its feeling. I wish that kind of certainty comes again, but just once more in this lifetime.

~

my typEs

a rEal dEal

With these very some first sentences starting here, i aimed at shouting to the heaven for a cursing moment that pisses me off and labels me as a somewhat loser. It was such a random thing with a huge impact that has managed to ruin my day - most likely weeks, months, years, or even a lifetime. I am yet flooded with that occurence of an incidence which is still driving me instantly frustrated with how dazed and vague my well-being was. How was that possible i could be provoked into something which is to most people a sh*tty consequence. How could i be not resisting and instead spending some minutes with those sh*tty spits?

~

¡ [REALLY][CAN'T] [ANSWER] [FOR] [NOW] !

~

All i can say here is a knot was already tightly tied there. I was teary-eyed to bite that bitterness for which i could sooo hardly bear with. With the couple first minutes it happenned, i broke into tears of resentment. I stood up breathless, feeling like having tons of rock in the tight chest, but then i felt the need to step back and to be less involved so that i could be on a more equal level. I have been doing since then self-persuadings... ; i tried to educate myself there about what i had reacted was purposely pro-Buddhism. I did that for the purpose of loving my beloved ones. I did that for peaces... I did that for self-rebuilding. I did that for those trusts and perspectives which have been put in me. And... then i did that with a self consent to put my manhood down.

~

As yet, i can't predict whether that cruel occurrence will ever come back to me again, or it is already gone for good? If i was to lose, how will i survive with that memory? How will i keep pace with it? How much does my life lastly matter if in the end i won't be able to forget it for good? I'm wondering if only i could capture that moment in time and bottle them up and have the bottle buried deep underneath any deserts.

~

Here i'm writing and telling myself: whatever happens i will go back to that one memory, that one night comforting my magma-temper. It's going to be possible, i keep saying... It's going to be possible that i'll be able to hardly strive to burn the moment with the deed that destructs my status of being a man.

~

titlE lEss

For what on earth how could this be true? Right at this moment i feel so defeated and overwhelmed that i can't even really describe things i want. I really don't know what i am going to fight for? Been thinking of why i try so hard to be open and honest when it doesn't make others to be open and honest in return? Why i make myself sick trying to be an all-around great person when there is no one who looks at me and thinks i am what they need and want? Why i'm worried about others, when no one worries about me? Why i go nuts trying to find thoughtful ways to show how i care when no one does that for me? I have made few attempts to figure out the matters. Been trying to look everywhere for clues - in the challenges that come my ways, in the strength of my faith, in all advices i got from people, and in all experiences i have been through - but the greatest clue i think is inside me.

~

For god's and my own sake, i have devoted a good amount of time on my well spending 10-days-off, helping relatives with their mission loads as well as teaching myself to get against the will. Life has now made me to be what i once was going to willingly choose to be. And, i seemingly feel both prophetic and surprising here.

~

For today, i started to go back to work. For some reasons, here i post 2 shots at my workplace. And a freshly taken picture of mine - a geek in red. Sorry, no glasses again!

~

world XI playErs awards shortlist

If anyone really watches most competitive leagues in Europe, then it is not such a difficult task to identify the best soccer players from last season, 2007-2008. On top of those performances, the Euro 2008 shall not be considered because it doesn't consist all players in all European leagues. The FIFpro (Fédération Internationale des Associations de Footballers Professionnels) awards are voted for by 45,000 professional footballers across the world in a secret ballot. Voters must nominate four defenders, three midfielders, three forwards and a goalkeeper. The following shortlist's names are officially listed in the ordering as seen in the picture.

Goalkeepers: Boruc, Buffon, Casillas, Cech, van der Sar.

Defenders: Alves, Bosingwa, Cannavaro, Carvalho, Clichy, A Cole, Evra, Ferdinand, Lahm, Lucio, Maldini, Nesta, Pepe, Puyol, Ramos, Terry, Vidic, Zambrotta, Zanetti, Zhirkov.
Midfielders: Ballack, Deco, Essien, Fabregas, Gattuso, Gerrard, Iniesta, Kaka, Lampard, Mascherano, Pirlo, Ribery, Senna, Sneijder, Xavi.

Forwards: Arshavin, Berbatov, Drogba, Eto'o, Henry, Ibrahimovic, Messi, van Nistelrooy, Ronaldinho, Ronaldo, Rooney, Tevez, Toni, Torres, Villa.

For gods' sake, i would like to add up my tip here for those druken bureaucrats who select best players based on tabloids and advertisemments for some reasons that Adebayor (Arsenal's main striker) is not shortlisted here. For such case, if advertisement has more value, then David Beckham should be included if Buffon is. Anyway, here are my own provisional best XI selections according to the order of preference:

Goalkeeper: Van der Sar (bench: Cech)
Defenders: Alves, Ferdinand, Puyol, Canarvaro (Bench: Terry, Pepe, Bosingwa, Zanetti)
Midfielders: Fabregas, Kaka, Sneijder (Bench: Ballack, Lampard, Gerrard)
Forwards: Henry, Messi, C. Ronaldo ( Bench: Nistelrooy, Villa, Rooney)

~

PS: the final World XI and the FIFPro World Player of the Year will be announced on October 27.

maradona to lEad AgEntina to world cup finals?

Diego Maradona, the former Agentina legend - with a hand of god - who stealed a winning goal from England for his country World Cup Glory in Mexico 1986, has revealed he would like to coach Argentina following the surprise resignation of Alfio Basile, the former Agentina coach, the previous day.

"I would be really delighted, who wouldn't, to coach the national team," he said in the Fox Sport World cable channel when asked if he would like a chance. "I am completely willing and at the disposal of the Argentina team."

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Maradona has appeared as a rank outsider in the race to replace Basile, with Miguel Angel Russo, Sergio Batista, Diego Simeone and Carlos Bianchi seen as favourites. Basile, the former coach, quitted one day after Argentina lost 1-0 to Chile in a World Cup qualifier, their only defeat so far this year and their first against their neighbours since 1973.

~

On behalf of all Agentina fans from worldwide and as well as being a very loyal fan of Diego Maradona, i would like to see this guy coach Agentina National Team one day, sooner this upcoming term rather than later cuz then i'll be a bit too old to be an active fan. [:be active for wife and kids, instead:]

a crossroad

There the percussion between the past and the present... The blustering wind and torrential rain... Who can control wind and rain? Who can give me one more day, one more second to fight against the will of the truth? Finally, there came a night that everything was ended. How could i just fall down? How could i have spent some months doltishly being rejected without realising it was by all odds going to forever separate eventually? I just realise i missed the deadline after waking up... I forget that i am all the way insecure... I forget that i am at some certain times looking at myself in the mirror, at one point or another, and ask myself: who will ever see value in this?

I faced the limit like a tough war against the world. I breathed to change at the end. I didn't decide then, the decision was clearly made for me to go with that paved route, but how could i be that an uncertainty to not just step out - pretending to be that dumb? I am so overwhelmingly exhausted now. I can not compute any other thought. I'm drowning and breathing with my exhaustion at this point. I'm sitting still like a dumber, more dazed version of myself. Where have gone all those wishes you once said? I guess commitments are really made to be broken. You made me believe that; and so, the best thing to do right now would be to just miss - no more, no less.

In a point of fact, then, i did not even want to break up; i wanted some distance from the relationship even though i had been told there was a crossroad. So, i needed time and space to figure my next steps out; to make a long story short. I just didn't dare to feel too involved in the relationship, and in fact i was giving way too much emotionally to myself silently deep inside, alone - but that one was not, which was fine if that’s how it had to be.

Yet, i don't wanna be sad for a cruel truth that not even dreams can survive. I don't wanna be sad for being stubborn to be sad. I don't wanna be sad for all my weak spots left to be weak. Thus, i should be mainly feeling this way because i can no longer ignore the fact that - in generally speaking - the amount of committing and trusting that I give is a world away from what I get.

Now that one has proved me wrong so let me say goodbye in a sad song; a new sad song that has never been sung; a new sad song i could by heart hardly learn to offset the one song i used to like to sing and listen to - thus, i should stop liking it... The song. The number 4. The 4 dots(....) i would always use for my sentences...

~

I guess I've had one sleepless night too many. I yet forget that i all am - in my own ways - fragile, guilty, conceding and...

~

Eak sidEr's oldy collections

Hacked from Ms. Neth/Lisa

lovE-talks' conversion

Copyrighted by LOVE EXPERT

a momEnt likE that

Weather never calms down; don't know how to handle....

Rain keeps pouring....

Heartbeat never quiets down....

Senses from my entire figure keep seeing, hearing, and merge with those black rains - feeling regretful of being too self-indulgent toward way of looking at self....

~

Perhaps this is all about the lack of ways verbalizing the reasons why i don't publish daily, and i still vacillate here....

I still most of the times hold back with uncertainty over how i truely feel about something or someone....

I still hesitate before hitting the "publish" button....

Tonight - the then memory - is so still vivid in my mind....

~

Don't know how more long it's going to lastly last, and thus i write about that memory just in case i may in someday lose it....

In the end - may be - this is why i write, so that when my mind fails me, perhaps then my words can save me....

Yet - in a move that is lamentably rare for me - i completely surrendered to that moment - the moment like ¡THAT¡

!

this far

Every week, there's like a number of fixations rotate in and out of my mind. Some last few days, others stay longer. The point is they are there.... I've warned myself not another sad post, not tonight. I will not write it, i will not talk about it. Not another depression to be detailed here, not today. I will not detail about it, no i won't: I said!

Yet, i forget. I, however, forget that i'm not the only left falling into this excruciating emotion trap. Though i have the conviction of the world's best poker face - and yet, however determined i am - i don't always want to be this strong and emotionless. Sometimes, i just want to be sensitive and take everything personally; i just want to be not made to feel like a loser for that! i want my questions to be spoken out straightly by me and have them honestly and patiently answered.

I have striven so hard to be this inactive. I have made this far, so i can go on further still. I'll fight all the way through the climax. And however true or untrue that may be, it is lost on me in the day-to-day. I said it's okay. I will always express this confirmation no matter, in one way or another, in the future this could be true or untrue. I say this without a shred of self-pity, without wanting someone to tell me that i am so pitiable. Right now, i am a loser; an officially loser! What else can i be? When you look at the real happening for what it is, there's little amount of people would encourage me to keep fighting forward. Of course, i don't tell anyone i am a loser; i instead try to explain what's going on in my heart, the feeling i have about my determination and the way others might put a blame on me about how i become such a loser.

Thus far, there is no way for me to get into the details of the HOWs and WHYs here. There's never enough space for it, and this isn't the place for that. This is about just me - for what i have been or will be going through and how my life is changing and how i am dealing with it all - and the role this fact plays in my life. I know there are much more ahead before i really feel better. This ending was a long time passing, but it makes no difference when it's still slapping you right in the face.

I look at my life now as if every action is practice. Practice for the moment that i am now truly alone, with no one to help me in anyway, thou i also don't need help. I have been thinking about the way most of the posts shown in this blog will reflect the next new aspects to come in my life. I am sure some people have been through all what have been written here, so they are now on a journey with me, and i really wish, for their sakes if not my own, that i could turn this blog into something more amusing and with more various talk-outs than it's really going to be.

Thence, i only wish to remember that everybody including me is like this in one way or another; that some experiences or facts are worth taking and shouldn't be measured up against the past nor the future. And i also believe the way in which life takes away then turns right around to give more than you ever thought you could contain.

Joy denied is joy multiplied. Hope diminished is hope everlasting!

~

How much ya know about mE?

*
*

rEach's tops

whEn a lovE lEave you - ladiEs - bEhind

You told me let's us be dead together in peace due to your parents' baneful objection of our promising lives together. So we set a place for our faithfully & mutually suicidal decisions - which was to jump from Jrouy Jang-Va bridge.

By counting to three, we would jump down together to the great deep of the river, NO MATTER WHAT. Counted to three, you had fell downward alone without realising that I was being so shocked & nervous of drowning.

You would never know that i could never jump down following you while you had been that deadly drown. You kept falling into the river deep. And i was there watching you dying with the guilt in my heart for my beloved parents.

It has been two months since our incidence, now that you are gone - so deadly gone. And i am left behind living handsomely with my arranged husband.

I promise i will not cry. And i'll stop loving you. That's the demand of my husband from me to stop loving you - with the exchange of a 2-karat diamand ring. But, i don't think i could keep that promise. I broke that promise. I did cry indeed cuz i was so excited to be worn with such a big shining diamond ring by my husband.

I'm sorry for i made that stupid suicidal plan with you; i was too young back then with that stupid decision in mind. Instead, i'm so thankful to you. Without you, i wouldn't have had such a promising future with my wealthy husband.

Rest in peace my EX! It's Phjum Ben season! And i'll arrange some foods for you!

PS: you don't have to thank me via a dream tonight for the foods. It would be so fine for me without you in my dream.

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Inspired by All about m3

jarb sovat's collEction

a prEvailing silEncE

From a look through the window,

All i could see is ill-defined shadow.

With the dim sight my eyes trying to catch,

Silence - the only thing that veritably matches.

~

In silence I've created a state of suspense,
And i have been damned with my own absence.
I am yet singing in silence a golden song,
As thou to heal all my ancient wrongs.

This complete silence i sense from the air,
You are but what i'm wordlessly scared.
You tell me that nothing is remained,
So i realise this should be the end of my plans.

As silence whispers in my ears,
I feel guilty to let go of what i should've kept near.
Now, tears are watering in my eyes,
As i am sitting here in silence with no surprises.

All everything is but a memory,

That dwindles as each day passes by me.

So.... speeches become stale,

My silence is progressively prevailed.

rEbuilding,

i.q.

I have seen this IQ thingie moment ago at a Khmer fellow blogger's webpage. Felt like wanting to try, and here i've done it. There isn't any mean of illustrations here beside that i was to see my own brain's ratio. YEt, I do not even know what's the perfect score.


Free-IQTest.net - IQ Test

a littlE rEply

I knew from the very beginning before i started this blog that there were surely some topics going to off limits. Though i aimed at writing about whatever i want & feel without fear of any problems arising, my choice to avoid certain topics has been driving my need to protect what are needed to be protected; to avoid dramas; to respect others' seclusions. But, there are times when the mood strikes me, i may feel something that i need to share here and i just want to publish all what i cite in my another very personal daily online diary.

Sometimes by sometimes, i find it so hard to describe things with an indirect pointing out manner. This seems like i build walls surrounded myself and try to shout out loud to the outsiders whether or not they could hear me. No matter what i say when i talk about myself to others, when i try to dig out all what's from the deep down of my mind, the truth is that i build walls around myself to protect any and all real emotions. As my life passes through periods of difficulty, sadness & transition, people have been reaching out to me - some to try to make sure i am fine and in my right well-being, others to offer their supports, and some others just to let me know they are there, concerning about me. It aches to the heart when all i could respond to is nothing - instead, being ignorant to those intended warmheartednesses. No matter how hard I try to ignore that (in a good way) i admit that I do really & ofently think about it - those un-replied messages.

~

Heretofore, being ignorant, is somewhat a perfect adjective defining myself. It's a very negatively charged term branded here. To a certain point, i may not be able to clarify why i bring up this word to this post? How much explaining should i do when someone finds out that i am this ignorant - but there, the title of this blog, says it all. My heart sweats when i think of those purposely-not-replied messages, and i imagine what it might have looked like if i replied back momently, what it might have changed if i further read the flow of all the conversations.

~

This is the part where I get stuck, where I keep deleting the paragraphs and staring at the blank space for a lot of minutessss.... because this is the part where I have to write that my everything has ended, definitively ended, and that the life I've known, the life I'd thought I'd have, is over. Now that i've turned back to emptiness. This emptiness offers me a chance to do things that console me most right now: to have a long more pause cuz i don't want questions about my being; i don't want to ponder my past and its many failures; i don't want to worry more about what may or may not be; I don't want to be agitated over how worthy i am or am not of someone else's time, attention, affection, etc.; i don't want to wonder if i will ever find someone who will look deeper and see me for all that i am and can be. And so - emotionally tormented - i am willing to shut my speeches down. I am now on my break.... my long mind-vacation.... to have my anguishes seized, and not let so much hinge on every little thing.

~

I guess overall, i have done well enough in keeping a balance wheel of being open & honest to others but also keeping private about what i want to keep private. I'm now on a path which is both terrifying and completely foreign, and i have no clue what the heck is going to happen next. I want to believe it will all be o.k., and deep inside i know it will be, but right now, there are just these - the sadness, emptiness and overwhelming sense of failures. It will all be fine, i pray, but before there is sunlight in my life again, I have to embrace and survive these darknesses.

~

So I am now learning and practicing. To be self-sufficient. To do things i never thought i'd need to do. To live this destined life of mine. To take a long break. To be alone....

~

to my dEarly dad - i pray

The sky was so grey. The rain began as i made my way to close the windows. Afterward, few lines of text messages appeared: "Bro!! Today, dad has a very serious diarrhea.... He could not even talk now. Everyone in the house is so worried about him.... We took him to the hospital...."

~

These sentences seem to suck the energy out of me and the tears out of my eyes. I eventually wept again. I could hardly feel the surrounding nature all of the sudden. My eyes were so watering blurred and my hands were irrepressible shaking. The only sound i could feel then was the quivering and shaky motion distracted from my inside mourning body. The pain of the moment, though now deadening in its intensity, prompts me to conceive my other plans. This has been the second time i heard my dearest daddy was brought to hospital. Now everyone in the family is traumatizing affected. I don't know why this is happening and how to stop. I don't know.... i really don't know! It's like a bad dream but i can't seem to make it disappear. I don't want to be here, and all this drama going on is so strong. The sorrow i am sensing right now is indescribable. It's just too much pain, and it's driving me insane. I wish i could wipe that illness off my dad by just one rub.

~

==> GOD, I HOPE YOU REALISE YOUR OWN MISTAKE, SO PLEASE FIX IT IMMEDIATELY!

To dad, I wanna let ya know that i more than do care about you. The love in my heart toward you is undeniable. Forever grateful is what i am to you. You're always there for me with a time to share about how i feel, what/when i need and what i should do. If i could ever write a story, it would be the greatest and longest ever told of a kind and loving father like you who has a heart of gold. If i could ever write a million words, still, i am unable to say just how much i love and miss you every single day.

It's almost certainly sure that no one can imagine how i am feeling right now about everything involved - i said: E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G! I wish there's always a god up there in any part of this space to have seen what's happening to my dearly father.

So, i pray for that.... and there you hear it - GOD!

~

i wantEd to, but thEn i could not

I was supposed to drop so many lines here for today's blogging, but i was just stucked as though there had been something or some causes clawing me back to pause - and, instead, exposing that above scrolling texts. I've learnt that forgiving is not forgetting and neither should it be, because if we forget, we open ourselves again to that same kind of hurt and suffer. Yet, no one would realize there are hundreds of reasons behind this post. There are days when i feel like it was just yesterday, and others where it feels like it was a lifetime ago. When i look at where i stand, at the threshold of making that destructive decision, and wonder at the differences between now and then, i start to realized this is what i've been enduring....

~

from tEn to onE

I have always got few things - jokes, poetry, news, musics and some small quizzes - i oftenly or even daily enjoy while dining after work. It's one of the very possible ways to amuse myself. I'd love to do quizzes if there are always ones. It's one of my favorite timing of the night - doing quizzes and being quizzed (not squeezed) :> WEll, here i have just found one good-to-do quiz. So, i thought to myself how fun it would be to share these things here....

FROM TEN TO ONE

10 objects you touch everyday:
1. Toothbrush
2. Keyborad
3. Phone
4. Pen
5. My hair
6. Doorknob
7. Keys
8. Fridge
9. Paper
10. Wallet

9 things you look forward to:
1. Going out to eat
2. The night to come back
3. Playing occer matches
4. Reading news
5. Morning cold YOP (yogurt)
6. Full glass of cold water
7. Having vacation back home
8. Random daily news
9. Windy days with more relaxing time

8 stuffs you wear daily:
1. Moisturizer
2. Glasses
3. Clothes
4. Perfume
5. Deodorant
6. Boxer
7. Stiff face
8. Certain hairstyle

7 things you do everyday:
1. Read/write stuffs
2. Few times shower
3. Worry
4. Plan the next day
5. Do the pushup
6. Pee pee & ka ka
7. Spend
~
6 movies you can watch over and over:
1. Pearl Harbour
2. Harold and Kumar
3. Fearless
4. Wicker Park
5. Black Hawk Down
6. Troys

5 foods you can't leave without:
1. Chicken rice
2. Vietnamese soup (ma-jou yuon)
3. BBQ beef
4. Durian shake
5. Cambodian sub-marine

4 of your favourite songs at the moments:
1. Against all odds
2. Mek kong ter penh jet juoy
3. Ocean deep
4. It must have been love

3 phrases you use everyday:
1. I mean....
2. Thanks you
3. Em....
~
2 words describing yourself:
1. Guilty
2. Committing
~
1 person you could spend the rest of your life with:
1. I guess this is an awkward and clumsy question
~

i need somE big guts

I see my daily life as an unsolved puzzle board which each piece and clue of unmanageble and unending riddle is scattered. I always end up in the same place: frustrated, angry and hurt over trying so hard and being so open and ending up empty. Tellingly, if possible, i prefer not to be in contact with people besides those few exceptional ones. It isn't that i do hate being socialized, but i'm afraid people might be unable to accept my this-moment-type-of-me and vice versa.

Despite anything to the contrary, i lately feel as though i am so lack of having a feeling of delight at being entertained because of the self-entitled-motto type, outcaste. Though it's the only term i consider as best corresponding to the emphatic form of me, i am, somehow, in a need of entertaining from others still. As yet, i have been battling with what has got to be this stupid rediculous decision ever: involve or not to be involved with people? Should or shouldn't i? I know i could always bring together in peer groups, but to do so i need some big GUTS to tear off that self entitled term. Whatever this might have been, only time proves it all.

a loss i am going to includE

It was an undeniable costly damage; the price that was sadistically paid for an unexpected greeting I can never ever forget. It was one of the most stupid intentions i've ever done in this entire life, and the incidence is yet so overwhelming in my thought. I just came to know what he is really upto. I was stunningly shocked to hear those very few words that kill my warm feeling of gratitude. I was holding back whatever feelings i had at that moment to think - angry, upset, or mad? To think that the one i always appreciated, to think that the one i always regarded as among the closest ones, what that Mr. right said was really no base and over generalized. I hate to be judged that real fast. It seems like my head was drilled to the brain.

There's so much tied to this world. One can never be able to escape from words of criticizing, mocking, comparing, and more further. One can never live perfectly with his/her mind of satisfaction and desire - but, instead let majority to decide the way life is, or else he/she would be branded as whatever the majority feels. I hate this way societies condemn the lively part of arts and some things new. I so damn hate the way societies push its fellow members to carry on what's called its own legacies.

Straightaway, everything has changed now, and i know that my writing here will reflect my struggle and hurt with all this and my efforts to adjust that assumption on me. I am getting way ahead of mysef here.... that i'll one day prove and send back that false interpreting of spitting. Still, i'll maintain the same degree of the skin-deep i've built up until now, protecting what is called pages of my appearance, and, yet, respecting everyone's criticizing & condemnation. I suppose i could have the two very most dearest persons of mine then not involved. I shouldn't have let them shared that spit which was putatively just on me.

To that Mr. right, today will be a memory between me and you. A memory that's drifting away and turns into no connection. A memory that today i turned into tears, tearing us apart.

"matE match"

Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many Sydney folks did hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney. The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called “Mate Match“.

*

The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers “yes”, he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner with phone number for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.

*
One particular game, however, several months ago made the Harbour City drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing you’ve heard yet. Anyway, here’s how it all went down:
*
DJ: “Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of ‘Mate Match’?”
Contestant: (laughing) “Yes, I have.”
DJ: “Great! Then you know we’re giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win. What is your name? First only please.”
Contestant: “Brian.”
DJ: “Brian, are you married or what?”
Brian: (laughing nervously) “Yes, I am married.”
DJ: “Thank you. Now, what is your wife’s name? First only please.”
Brian: “Sara.”
DJ: “Is Sara at work, Brian?”
Brian: “She is gonna kill me.”
DJ: “Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?”
Brian: (laughing) “Yes, she’s at work.”
DJ: “Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?”
Brian: “About 8 o’clock this morning.”
DJ: “Atta boy, Brian.”
Brian: (laughing sheepishly) “Well…”
DJ: “Question #2 - How long did it last?”
Brian: “About 10 minutes.”
DJ: “Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn’t at stake.”
Brian: “Yeah, that trip sure would be nice.”
DJ: “Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o’clockthis morning?
Brian: (laughing hard) “I, ummm, I, well…”
DJ: “This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?”
Brian: “Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for a couple of weeks…”
DJ: “Uh huh…”
Brian: “…and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time.”
DJ: “Atta boy, Brian.”
Brian: “On the kitchen table.”
DJ: “Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I’ve done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get this wife’s work number and call her up. You listen to this.”

[3 minutes of commercials follow.]
*
DJ: “Okay audience; let’s call Sarah, shall we?” (Touch tones…..ringing….)
Clerk: “Kinkos.”
DJ: “Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?”
Clerk: “This is she.”
DJ: “Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and I’ve been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now.”
Sarah: (laughing) “A couple of hours?”
DJ: “Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you’ll lose. Sooooooo… do you know the rules of ‘Mate Match’?”
Sarah: “No.”
DJ: “Good!”
Brian: (laughing)
Sarah: (laughing) “Brian, what the hell are you up to?”
Brian: (laughing) “Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest.”
DJ: “Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian’s answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.”
Sarah: (laughing) “Yes.”
DJ: “Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?”
Sarah: “Oh God, Brian….uh, this morning before Brian went to work.”
DJ: “What time?”
Sarah: “Around 8 this morning.”
DJ: “Very good. Next question. How long did it last?”
Sarah: “12, 15 minutes maybe.”
DJ: “Hmmmm. That’s close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We’ve got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?”
Sarah: (laughing) “Yes.”
DJ: “Where did you have it?”
Sarah: “OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn’t tell them that did you?”
Brian: “Just tell him, honey.”
DJ: “What is bothering you so much, Sarah?”
Sarah: “Well…”
DJ: Come on Sarah…..where did you have it?
Sarah: “Up the a$$…”

After a long pause, the DJ said, “Folks, we need to take a station break”
And the drivers of Sydney almost crashed their cars laughing!

More jokes? Click here.

hErE's thE consEquEncE

I feel like the people whom i believe should know me best have the least faith in me, like they cannot see the whole picture of my intention and instead push me into this blog to which I can by hard digest all the letdowns and frustrations, regardless of all the d*mn intent and effort I put into being a better person.

~

I don't blame no one, and neither do i ever blame myself again - but it saddens me to see where i am today, grown apart with all the complete independence which, as a result, ruined all of those possibilities.... It seems there's still an unending riddle to be solved - and it looks as though the more i retreat, the more i put pressure unto that self-accusation.... of mine.

Here's the consequence, hidden in the contents of my deeds and in those my pages that already turned.

provE this can bE truE!

~

As you can see, there are 2 triangles in the above arrangement. The 2 triangles contain 4 differrent shapes in 4 different colors in which all the 4 color shapes of each triangle are all the same in sizes. The 2 triangles are 13 X 5 squares. We rearranged those 4 shapes as shown in the second triangle, but it looks like one square is not covered! Prove how can this be true!

~

Answer: to be later updated

~

birth-nivErsary

It's raining! Once again, it's raining! From a look through my window, from the sound my ears could sense, it appears that those falling water drops are shouting and arguing for each own presence all the way to the ground. What a rainy mid-Summer! What a rainy July! It seems to me that the month of July has just come to calendar the other days and it is now already the very end of it; time flies real fast - indeed.

~

As time goes on, all of these events keep popping up into this distance of my life. I've tried on many occasions to find the words to express what I have always been about to express, but there are simply no words to describe my all these years of the occasions called Birthday. I feel like most of these my so-called special days bring out nothing, but some numbers as a remark. It shouldn't be worth remembering; i assumed.

~

Likewise, today has been no better than the previous others. This year, there're just 3 people have come to the recognition of this DAY - and, as yet, it's going to be about more than an hour till the rest of it; i am not complaining thou. Nothing is unchanging in this beautiful world. It seems to me that every individual i ever have and had relation with has his/her own sign of altering as the earth spins on its axis. Not only that i am part of all i have met, everyone i have known has left a part of themselves in me; their every little thing are in my head, though i can't tell them apart. Yet, only time is left remain as a real companion that goes along with me on my life journey. It somehow reminds me to cherish each moment i have and had. Well, i just want to make clear that: i’m not writing this to illustrate who i am. I know who i really am, and i’m honest and realistic enough with myself to be sufficiently aware of the goods and bads which are already in me.

~

To the same habits that had happened sometimes from the past 6 or 7 years, into the early minutes of today's date, a few unexpected fat tear drops fell down my both cheeks as a welcoming message to the date i, for the very first time, connected with my both dearest creators (parents) - when i then was brought into lively existence. I am now again aggrieving cuz it hurts. It causes an ache even deeper than any other days of the year when i feel a need of their companies. And, in the edge of this time being, i sigh. I sigh and feel the ache deepens, knowing that for many more years to come, it will be this way. I am learning still to live with the constant pain and miss that defines a lonesome-far-away-son. No doubt i shed a few tears because after all, i just missed their presences and hugs.

~

It is now almost at the end of my DAY; i'm sitting up alone still, thinking about how my life has shaped up, thinking of what gave direction to this DAY that will sweep away. I have been battling this thought around in my head for a long while now. Yet, i have no clues. And it is this, ultimately, that makes this whole day so tragic to me. Whatsoever may come, it's not the crux of all. I am formed in every moment of my everyday.... And it has been so far almost the mid of my life's span, so let's make every moment counted! Let's it be my birth-niversary!

~

Thus far, i almost ignore the warm wishes from those somebodies. I'd declare that all those your fond words are pretty much counted. ~

~

Thankfully, i much appreciate!
~

~

vintagE t-shirt

I am thinking of having all those below vintage t-shirts asap cuz i am poised to wear them so badly. I've got to see these self-related cool t-shits from a bank teller who suggested this site; big THANKS-YOU to her here. Even so, i don't think i can afford to have any of it. Hme....money would never be a reason regarding da things, it's another issue instead; besides, they are just soooo cheap to afford thou. Well, let it be just a mystery here=}

PS: ~ME~ dun mind having them t-shirts as gifts.

undEr construction

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bEdroom tasks

I am going to get moving within a week or two. Yet, i am still planning and looking for ways to decorate my soon-becoming-real potential small bedroom. I've had some thoughts on my own ideal standardized bedroom decorations in mind as well as some of which, as seen in the posted pictures here, are what i am going to similar-ize as closed as i could manage. This might be the most sweat-boiling task of the month for me to handle - i'd say; the real deal is.... how could i match up my king-sized bed with a small bedroom? Although so far i've found some of the easy techniques of making small bedroom look bigger, i am yet to take risks with those different approaches in decorating my small bedroom. Those risks are: time vs outcome; sweat vs days-off; satisfaction vs headache.

~

The following are 5 easy approaches(copyrighted by Shrinivas Vaidya) in making a small bedroom look bigger. Though, might be or might be not, in some unspecified way or manner, it won't work for me - i hope the below complying techniques would appeal in general for most readers....

~

1) Use bright colored paints so that natural light entering the small bedroom get reflected in all directions and the room looks bigger.

~
2) Use furniture with slim frames. This is a very obvious solution. Furniture with slim frames have less perceived volume and because of this the room looks bigger.

~

3) Use a platform bed in a small bedroom. What is a platform bed? A platform bed is the one with low height. The normal height of any bed is around 1foot 6 inches approximately. But a platform bed is only 1 foot high from the ground level. This makes its volume and the room looks bigger.

~

4) Arrange the furniture in your room at angles. Of course this is not always possible. But small pieces of furniture can be arranged in that fashion. This is done to distract the visual lines away from the walls.

~

5) Use a wallpaper with horizontal pattern. This will create an illusion of horizontal expansion.

~

pillows-night

One pillow, two pillows, and three pillows - i've been using them to hold my head high up in order to dope off in my night. I am now lying down here on my bed, with those pillows supporting my chin and neck, trying to listen to the heartbeat rhythm from the chest of mine, and wondering when the pain and heartache will come to an end.

!

This life of mine is nothing, but a spider's life - which can't help being something of a mess. As yet, I find myself thinking a lot lately about that my days have been touched by a deep and terrible tragedy and blaming myself why i can't maintain my faith and keep forging ahead. I have made mistakes in my life, i have failed to embrace my own dignity, i have let people taking advantages of me, and i have accepted way less than i deserve. And although i have learnt from my bad choices, there are still somethings that can never be changed. I think i am, still, somehow, haunted by the past, forget about who i really am, and live with that delusive expectation. It's a thought i can hardly handle; and it's undoubtedly true!

Of most of the nights, my heart slowly breaks in pieces for how much innocence would my choice take from my family? How very much of them will it destroy? Should their states of being innocent spare this real trauma because of me? Will they one day believe i did something so disgraceful and forever messed them up? I wish they will never know what it is like to confront with this idiot-spider-type me and i grieve for that. I grieve for them and, as well, for myself - for all options i dreamed of and worked extremely hard for. I used to have a clear vision of who i wanted to be and of high of family's expectation i aimed to enhance - and instead, i am here, writing these sentences....

The guiltiness that such a son, such a brother, and such a someone feels, equals no others. This guilt is now killing me cuz i realise.... realise so painfully.... that the kind of life i wanted does not exist anyway. All the long while i stayed under the same roof with family, i was selfless, dependable, committed, helpful and caring. And later when i have been away, i let my personal sadness embitter me, ruin me, fake me, and - last of all - destroy me. My life in short - like a saying said - is like an onion: you peel it off one layer at a time, and sometimes you weep. For this has been the fact of my life - i found it is not worth living!

!

I might sound more depressed than i really am - but, still, here's the guilt. The grieving. All that was. All that never was. All that will never be.

!

"why i firEd my sEcrEtary" - a jokE

" This is a true story. Last week was my 40th birthday and I really didn’t feel like waking up that morning. I managed to pull myself together and go downstairs for breakfast, hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, “Happy Birthday!”, and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone “Happy Birthday.” I thought… Well, that’s marriage for you, but the kids… They will remember.

My kids came trampling down the stairs to breakfast, ate their breakfast, and didn’t say a word to me. So when I made it out of the house and started for work, I felt pretty dumpy and despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Joanne said, “Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!” It felt a bit better knowing that at least someone remembered. I worked in a zombie like fashion until about one o’clock, when Joanne knocked on my door and said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day outside, and it’s your Birthday, why don’t we go out for lunch, just you and me.” I said, “Thanks, Joanne, that’s the best thing I’ve heard all day. Let’s go!”

We went to lunch but not where we’d normally go. Instead she took me to a quiet bistro with a private table. We had a couple of mixed drinks and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Joanne said, “You know, It’s such a beautiful day… We don’t have to go right back to the office, do we?” I replied with “I suppose not. What do you have in mind?” She said, “Let’s go to my apartment, it’s just around the corner.”

After arriving at her apartment, Joanne turned to me and said, “Boss if you don’t mind, I’m going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I’ll be right back.” “Ok.” I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake….

Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends, and co-workers, all singing “Happy Birthday”.

And I just sat there.…

On the couch….

Naked. "

http://www.funnyandjokes.com/

an illusionary

Not that interesting.... but you should try to finish it.

In a moment you will enter a magical world

of one of David Copperffield's illusions....

In just a moment....

you will witness something really strange....

(in some cases)

You will witness an amazing illusion....

I can, through the monitor, see your mind.

You can see the below 6 different cards.

THINK ON ONE.

Just think on it.

Don't touch it.

Don't click on it.

I will find the card on your mind.

THERE YOU GO....

ARE YOU READY?

HAVE YOU ALREADY PICKED?

Now look straight into my eyes....

and think on your card....

I do not know you....

I could not see the card you have chosen....

But, i know exactly the card which is on your mind....

¡LOOK!

.... ....

.... ....

.... ....
.....
.....

.....

.....
.....

.....

.....

.........
.....

...

..

¡¡YOUR CARD IS GONE!!

This is a common program you may find out in some seconds or will never find out if you are happenned to be shown with the illusion for just seconds without the following hints.

If you take a close look at the initial cards at the last 5 cards...., you will find the explanation that is based on the lack of human memory.... There are so many tricks and effects within CARDS itself. You'll be tricked atleast once, once you ever try to involve with it. Consequesntly, there's the decision.... and only you yourself to decide.

¿TASTE IT OR LET NOT IT TASTES YOU?

a torn piEce

If you already understand about him,
no explanation is necessary....

....if you don't,

no explanation is possible.

~

viEnna calling - Euro 2008

---Euro 2008 comes to a close on Sunday night in Vienna, and it's Germany against Spain in the final. Spain can end a 44-year wait to be crowned European champions if they reproduce the same form in Sunday's final against Germany that they showed to beat Russia 3-0 in the semi-final on Thursday. Germany, in contrast, will have to play far better than they did in their 3-2 semi-final win over Turkey in Basel on Wednesday if they are to win the title for the fourth time.

There will be key battles all over the field, but the most fascinating will be in midfield between Germany captain Michael Ballack and Spain's Cesc Fabregas, who is expected to start because David Villa is likely to miss out with a foot injury. Despite decades of producing great players, Spain's only major tournament victory came at the 1964 European Championship when they beat Russia's predecessors, the Soviet Union, in the final in Madrid. Germany will also be hoping to end an odd sequence that has seen them win and lose finals alternately. After winning in 1972, they lost in 1976, before winning again in 1980, losing in 1992 and winning again in 1996---

Highlight result? Click here!

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