montrEal, mE, and a lifE in bEtwEEn

When i started writing about this post few days ago, i was going to talk about the ridiculous comments i got from my online diary - at a site. I have been thinking a lot about those comments which are from anonymous readers in that last post, as well as from this blog post, from a friend. I am pretty touched whenever people tell me something kind and genial, in this case, to be good to myself, I appreciate that; i really do and thanks for all those words of encouragement.

However, one thing i don't like to hear from the comments is PITY. To be honest, i hate being pitied. People can dislike me, hate me, or have no use for me, but they can't pity me. I feel no more of the need of pity from people cuz the more they pity me and act different way - to me, it reeks humiliation. And well i feel humiliated quite enough on my own, and would not like anyone else adding to it. I suppose I recently have such a strong feeling about being pitied because I know what I feel like when I pity someone; it's a mixture of sadness and heartbreak, and worse, i do really know what it is like to have pity be the emotion that moves me to do things I don't really want or not ready to do and to be. Well, I guess that is the thing with me: in life, there is much for which we have no choice, and it is hard for me to accept that; it is hard for me to feel those emotions I simply do not want to feel. It is, therefore, just like we can banish unwanted thoughts, I wish I could banish unwanted feelings.

Well now, here comes another day and i no longer want to talk about that comments thingy. I am exhausted now; terribly, terribly exhausted, and i really have no idea why???? It has been almost same same same stories since i started writing about things related to me - my problems. And well, that's still a problem, so here i am blah-blah-ing about it again.

It really, really gets me down cuz the thing i thought would resolve everything died in the water. Now I'm paying for my deeds, and solutions seem nonexistent. Life is really hard and sucky and depressing and weighing on me like a ton of bricks. And you know when you're in a bad situation, how you just want it to be over with? That's how I feel: desperately wanting for this to be over with and frustrated as each day ends without any changes. Between my growing frustration and the anger I feel at myself, I am beyond defeated. I would give anything to go back months and years to a time when I could have avoided all this. Meanwhile, there's another part of me that feels that even when I do find a solution of some kind, it just isn't going to be the same. In other words, there is no real solution here. And basically, it's damn hard and I feel like, despite my best efforts, there is no right solution. I'd say there is, of course, some crappy things I'm dealing with. That even counts those disappointments and dramas. On top of that, it is going to be another day to get moving as summer is already right at the corner. SEE....???? That is just a whole other bag of suckiness. Right now, I am taking steps to work this out, to find a resolution that works best for me personally and for me as a son. I just hope I can fix this and move on because right now I feel like I fell into this pit of gloom, and now that I have no real reason to be in it, I'm wondering how to get out. I want to get back to my own brand of normal. I wonder if i am able to manage to be depression-free and keep everything running smoothly, and not give in to my negative feelings, and to keep myself and my life above water and moving forward.

I don't really socialize with happiness. It's to me, no way to live; it's one of those things I privately work on very, very hard to conquer. I don't know if I believe the saying that happiness is a choice. I think that I mainly disagree with that thought, but I do feel that our reactions are choices. So I have chosen to behave in certain ways that keep the darkness out. I force myself, on a daily basis, to cut my own bull****, to deal with the anxiety, to just be a man & a son and suck it up. I fail a lot I'd admit, but I keep trying. I keep constant sight of the person I want to be & the principles I want to guide my life with. And then I try to act on it. I will always over-analyze, always have plans B, C, D and E lined up, always view whatever happiness and peace I experience as a rare gift I must treasure and savor and enjoy to their fullest. I don't want to be like everyone else. I don't want my job to suck the life out of me.

When all is said and done, there's never a day that i will stop thinking about the fragility of the life I have built in this LAND cuz it will be ever-presented in my life. The ways of life here and in our society tell me that there is no joy or wonder left anywhere or in anything. Maybe it is all this which is making me so exhausted. This feeling of who I am now and what I want to be in the future are inherently at odds with my sad city - Montreal, with my deplorable country - Canada, and with my life-long habit I'd love to break in all these rough years.

in filEs - a rElationship

There is just too much that time cannot erase. It has only been a few days since I've last updated this blog but it felt like months. There's just so many things and facts happening and there's also so much that has to be done. I do find myself wallowing in self-pity lately. It comes and goes and hasn't yet come so strong enough for me to feel like escaping from this world, but it's just around the corner(i suppose). I have recently seen many days and nights of self-pity stretching before me, and frankly, I am pretty annoyed at myself. I so damn hate feeling this way; i hate allowing myself into this trap of feeling; I hate writing about this because I sweat those tears to string all those thoughts together; I hate that I am powerless against this feeling and have no choice, but to write it out all these pieces of words as the reminder and lesson for me in the future.

Memories do fade away with time. In life there's a mixture of bad and good memories. Life itself is a long road; from the start(childhood) it's a long journey, and in the end(old) it's a destination. There are many stars in the sky but only a few shine and sparkle so bright. It mattered a great deal to me that I once used to be among one of those few sparkle stars and all of the sudden turned to be dim, and later, unseen. Not just because I have such a happy history with a crappy ending life, but also because it's somewhat unwanted memories which are hard to get rid of as well as to be forgotten; it's a real deal for an individual like me.

Talking of memories, by picking one to talk here, my RELATIONSHIP account would be the one to stay the longest in my memory. With all the ladies i used to date, with her, it was the most memorable of the lot. We shared a lot of memories and had managed to date on and off over (months?/years?) with basically zero drama. I don't think either one of us expected the ending, but when we ended i was hurt but not angry and vowed that we would never, ever, ever be together again. Considering all of that, I was convinced I'd also lose even the friendship with her. When i started contacting her later on to see how she was doing and to slip an apology for my behavior when we ended, it was nice to know that she also apologized to me. I don't lie, i was happy to have her back in my life and happy to have her as my friend. And because we had an easy rapport, that meant we could talk about a lot of things with minimal awkwardness. When i started to ask her about her personal relationship issues, there came a point where i became uncomfortable. The turn for me came when I realized about the encouragement, attention and priority she never gave me, and the trust she never placed in me, she is giving to him(her recent bf). To be honest, I talked to her about her romance issue with her guy(bf) for the purpose of being GOOOOD friend even though I sometimes was faking my emotion during the conversations. And that was true, but it was also a lie. It was a lie because quite frankly, my feelings were deeply hurt inside, and i did understand why: because what she feels with him is more than she felt with me. And for him, she is willing to be a bride and dive in.

And so be it, but look.... I did not feel like I should not have had to hear about it at all. And why should I care, if i too had moved on? Perhaps because I had really believed in the friendship, because i needed to be able to believe that 2 people could move on beyond a failed romance and still get along and catch up every now and then and have it be a pleasant experience. In the end, however, I learnt and saw quite clearly that I was nothing that i thought i was; i learnt that another could get all what i couldn't; i saw all the attention and priority i was denied. To me.... it was a hurt, it was a shock, it was a REAL lesson not to fall so deep into the POWER of love.

Well, it is just somewhat one of my RELATIONSHIP examples withdrawn from memories. There are plenty more...., more than that relationship issue. If i didn't sweat this much and if i didn't think people would be bored to death to read, i would have picked few more issues to reveal. Time flies real fast, i can't say i spend my holiday unworthy or i spend it wisely. The point is I do like blogging; so here i am, finishing another post for one of my blogs.

Now i am trying to give myself a conclusion regarding the issue, believing that our basic concern for each other would make friendship easy, believing that the present could be unaffected by the past, but it just doesn't work that way. At the same time, letting myself be bothered by the whole issue is VERY wrong of me, and, in effect, a step backward in my own personal evolution. Therefore, the contradictions and questions no longer fall on me. To wrap up, in relationship, it saddens me at times, and relieves me at others.

my samE samE lifE tastE

Sometimes things happen in my life, mostly in this third decade of life time of mine, which are so coincidental that it makes me pause. It seems as though god is trying to send me messages to follow with zero tolerance. Can you imagine yourself being crazy + mad from Monday to Sunday? Yep, that's what i went through this whole damn week. I am honestly so sick of putting fake facial expression on my face. I smile on the outside but inside i don't feel that way at all. I try so damn hard to feel better but my everyday hope of not being a magma-temper is shattered just like it can never be changed.

Nine days have passed since my vacation started. I have lost few weights as usual (during the time of each vacation). I have gained new experiences (bad) and made new friends who often made my day during this week long. I have played some competitive soccer matches with my neighbors as well as those folks from my community. Nevertheless, i have made some bad decisions which bring anger to head, hotness to temper. It burnt my innocent mentality I'd say.

I always wonder why there are ups and downs in life, but then, I realised that my life is just like a puzzle. There's a satisfaction with joys and happiness in life when all the pieces of puzzle are successfully placed together. When everything falls apart and is misplaced, sadness, craziness and madness come back into life. Do ya realise that everything which results in joy is often followed by something upsetting? It's the cycle of life I'd say, which is why i am afraid of everything good that is to come because i am scared to fall; i am afraid the state of being upset takes its turn. However, I do not wish for anything bad for myself. I just wish that my life could go back to normal. I wish I could have back the life i used to have (the one where i did not need to worry about anything at all and just live life the way it is).

I suppose I could have not then walked that path which resulted this upsetting life. BBBBuuuutttt, why bother? I keep telling myself that there is no point to waste time analyzing that past anymore, for now. Look...., when we're lost in despair, remember, that the only thing that still shines in the darkness is a star. The point is to keep our eyes searching for a star because behind every dark place there is a bright light!!!!

God loves us!!!! (I hope :S)

follow your hEart

"Follow your heart", this is a phrase often expressed to me. I soon realised that in life, you can't always follow your heart. Some things need to be done and some problems need to be solved but some just needs time. Sometimes when you feel like you have everything in life, you feel as though you are missing something. I thought life would be better if I kept ignoring you, denying the fact that i actually have feelings for you but that is when I realise I miss you, I keep wishing for a star.