this far

Every week, there's like a number of fixations rotate in and out of my mind. Some last few days, others stay longer. The point is they are there.... I've warned myself not another sad post, not tonight. I will not write it, i will not talk about it. Not another depression to be detailed here, not today. I will not detail about it, no i won't: I said!

Yet, i forget. I, however, forget that i'm not the only left falling into this excruciating emotion trap. Though i have the conviction of the world's best poker face - and yet, however determined i am - i don't always want to be this strong and emotionless. Sometimes, i just want to be sensitive and take everything personally; i just want to be not made to feel like a loser for that! i want my questions to be spoken out straightly by me and have them honestly and patiently answered.

I have striven so hard to be this inactive. I have made this far, so i can go on further still. I'll fight all the way through the climax. And however true or untrue that may be, it is lost on me in the day-to-day. I said it's okay. I will always express this confirmation no matter, in one way or another, in the future this could be true or untrue. I say this without a shred of self-pity, without wanting someone to tell me that i am so pitiable. Right now, i am a loser; an officially loser! What else can i be? When you look at the real happening for what it is, there's little amount of people would encourage me to keep fighting forward. Of course, i don't tell anyone i am a loser; i instead try to explain what's going on in my heart, the feeling i have about my determination and the way others might put a blame on me about how i become such a loser.

Thus far, there is no way for me to get into the details of the HOWs and WHYs here. There's never enough space for it, and this isn't the place for that. This is about just me - for what i have been or will be going through and how my life is changing and how i am dealing with it all - and the role this fact plays in my life. I know there are much more ahead before i really feel better. This ending was a long time passing, but it makes no difference when it's still slapping you right in the face.

I look at my life now as if every action is practice. Practice for the moment that i am now truly alone, with no one to help me in anyway, thou i also don't need help. I have been thinking about the way most of the posts shown in this blog will reflect the next new aspects to come in my life. I am sure some people have been through all what have been written here, so they are now on a journey with me, and i really wish, for their sakes if not my own, that i could turn this blog into something more amusing and with more various talk-outs than it's really going to be.

Thence, i only wish to remember that everybody including me is like this in one way or another; that some experiences or facts are worth taking and shouldn't be measured up against the past nor the future. And i also believe the way in which life takes away then turns right around to give more than you ever thought you could contain.

Joy denied is joy multiplied. Hope diminished is hope everlasting!

~

How much ya know about mE?

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rEach's tops

whEn a lovE lEave you - ladiEs - bEhind

You told me let's us be dead together in peace due to your parents' baneful objection of our promising lives together. So we set a place for our faithfully & mutually suicidal decisions - which was to jump from Jrouy Jang-Va bridge.

By counting to three, we would jump down together to the great deep of the river, NO MATTER WHAT. Counted to three, you had fell downward alone without realising that I was being so shocked & nervous of drowning.

You would never know that i could never jump down following you while you had been that deadly drown. You kept falling into the river deep. And i was there watching you dying with the guilt in my heart for my beloved parents.

It has been two months since our incidence, now that you are gone - so deadly gone. And i am left behind living handsomely with my arranged husband.

I promise i will not cry. And i'll stop loving you. That's the demand of my husband from me to stop loving you - with the exchange of a 2-karat diamand ring. But, i don't think i could keep that promise. I broke that promise. I did cry indeed cuz i was so excited to be worn with such a big shining diamond ring by my husband.

I'm sorry for i made that stupid suicidal plan with you; i was too young back then with that stupid decision in mind. Instead, i'm so thankful to you. Without you, i wouldn't have had such a promising future with my wealthy husband.

Rest in peace my EX! It's Phjum Ben season! And i'll arrange some foods for you!

PS: you don't have to thank me via a dream tonight for the foods. It would be so fine for me without you in my dream.

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Inspired by All about m3

jarb sovat's collEction

a prEvailing silEncE

From a look through the window,

All i could see is ill-defined shadow.

With the dim sight my eyes trying to catch,

Silence - the only thing that veritably matches.

~

In silence I've created a state of suspense,
And i have been damned with my own absence.
I am yet singing in silence a golden song,
As thou to heal all my ancient wrongs.

This complete silence i sense from the air,
You are but what i'm wordlessly scared.
You tell me that nothing is remained,
So i realise this should be the end of my plans.

As silence whispers in my ears,
I feel guilty to let go of what i should've kept near.
Now, tears are watering in my eyes,
As i am sitting here in silence with no surprises.

All everything is but a memory,

That dwindles as each day passes by me.

So.... speeches become stale,

My silence is progressively prevailed.

rEbuilding,

i.q.

I have seen this IQ thingie moment ago at a Khmer fellow blogger's webpage. Felt like wanting to try, and here i've done it. There isn't any mean of illustrations here beside that i was to see my own brain's ratio. YEt, I do not even know what's the perfect score.


Free-IQTest.net - IQ Test

a littlE rEply

I knew from the very beginning before i started this blog that there were surely some topics going to off limits. Though i aimed at writing about whatever i want & feel without fear of any problems arising, my choice to avoid certain topics has been driving my need to protect what are needed to be protected; to avoid dramas; to respect others' seclusions. But, there are times when the mood strikes me, i may feel something that i need to share here and i just want to publish all what i cite in my another very personal daily online diary.

Sometimes by sometimes, i find it so hard to describe things with an indirect pointing out manner. This seems like i build walls surrounded myself and try to shout out loud to the outsiders whether or not they could hear me. No matter what i say when i talk about myself to others, when i try to dig out all what's from the deep down of my mind, the truth is that i build walls around myself to protect any and all real emotions. As my life passes through periods of difficulty, sadness & transition, people have been reaching out to me - some to try to make sure i am fine and in my right well-being, others to offer their supports, and some others just to let me know they are there, concerning about me. It aches to the heart when all i could respond to is nothing - instead, being ignorant to those intended warmheartednesses. No matter how hard I try to ignore that (in a good way) i admit that I do really & ofently think about it - those un-replied messages.

~

Heretofore, being ignorant, is somewhat a perfect adjective defining myself. It's a very negatively charged term branded here. To a certain point, i may not be able to clarify why i bring up this word to this post? How much explaining should i do when someone finds out that i am this ignorant - but there, the title of this blog, says it all. My heart sweats when i think of those purposely-not-replied messages, and i imagine what it might have looked like if i replied back momently, what it might have changed if i further read the flow of all the conversations.

~

This is the part where I get stuck, where I keep deleting the paragraphs and staring at the blank space for a lot of minutessss.... because this is the part where I have to write that my everything has ended, definitively ended, and that the life I've known, the life I'd thought I'd have, is over. Now that i've turned back to emptiness. This emptiness offers me a chance to do things that console me most right now: to have a long more pause cuz i don't want questions about my being; i don't want to ponder my past and its many failures; i don't want to worry more about what may or may not be; I don't want to be agitated over how worthy i am or am not of someone else's time, attention, affection, etc.; i don't want to wonder if i will ever find someone who will look deeper and see me for all that i am and can be. And so - emotionally tormented - i am willing to shut my speeches down. I am now on my break.... my long mind-vacation.... to have my anguishes seized, and not let so much hinge on every little thing.

~

I guess overall, i have done well enough in keeping a balance wheel of being open & honest to others but also keeping private about what i want to keep private. I'm now on a path which is both terrifying and completely foreign, and i have no clue what the heck is going to happen next. I want to believe it will all be o.k., and deep inside i know it will be, but right now, there are just these - the sadness, emptiness and overwhelming sense of failures. It will all be fine, i pray, but before there is sunlight in my life again, I have to embrace and survive these darknesses.

~

So I am now learning and practicing. To be self-sufficient. To do things i never thought i'd need to do. To live this destined life of mine. To take a long break. To be alone....

~

to my dEarly dad - i pray

The sky was so grey. The rain began as i made my way to close the windows. Afterward, few lines of text messages appeared: "Bro!! Today, dad has a very serious diarrhea.... He could not even talk now. Everyone in the house is so worried about him.... We took him to the hospital...."

~

These sentences seem to suck the energy out of me and the tears out of my eyes. I eventually wept again. I could hardly feel the surrounding nature all of the sudden. My eyes were so watering blurred and my hands were irrepressible shaking. The only sound i could feel then was the quivering and shaky motion distracted from my inside mourning body. The pain of the moment, though now deadening in its intensity, prompts me to conceive my other plans. This has been the second time i heard my dearest daddy was brought to hospital. Now everyone in the family is traumatizing affected. I don't know why this is happening and how to stop. I don't know.... i really don't know! It's like a bad dream but i can't seem to make it disappear. I don't want to be here, and all this drama going on is so strong. The sorrow i am sensing right now is indescribable. It's just too much pain, and it's driving me insane. I wish i could wipe that illness off my dad by just one rub.

~

==> GOD, I HOPE YOU REALISE YOUR OWN MISTAKE, SO PLEASE FIX IT IMMEDIATELY!

To dad, I wanna let ya know that i more than do care about you. The love in my heart toward you is undeniable. Forever grateful is what i am to you. You're always there for me with a time to share about how i feel, what/when i need and what i should do. If i could ever write a story, it would be the greatest and longest ever told of a kind and loving father like you who has a heart of gold. If i could ever write a million words, still, i am unable to say just how much i love and miss you every single day.

It's almost certainly sure that no one can imagine how i am feeling right now about everything involved - i said: E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G! I wish there's always a god up there in any part of this space to have seen what's happening to my dearly father.

So, i pray for that.... and there you hear it - GOD!

~