a littlE rEply

I knew from the very beginning before i started this blog that there were surely some topics going to off limits. Though i aimed at writing about whatever i want & feel without fear of any problems arising, my choice to avoid certain topics has been driving my need to protect what are needed to be protected; to avoid dramas; to respect others' seclusions. But, there are times when the mood strikes me, i may feel something that i need to share here and i just want to publish all what i cite in my another very personal daily online diary.

Sometimes by sometimes, i find it so hard to describe things with an indirect pointing out manner. This seems like i build walls surrounded myself and try to shout out loud to the outsiders whether or not they could hear me. No matter what i say when i talk about myself to others, when i try to dig out all what's from the deep down of my mind, the truth is that i build walls around myself to protect any and all real emotions. As my life passes through periods of difficulty, sadness & transition, people have been reaching out to me - some to try to make sure i am fine and in my right well-being, others to offer their supports, and some others just to let me know they are there, concerning about me. It aches to the heart when all i could respond to is nothing - instead, being ignorant to those intended warmheartednesses. No matter how hard I try to ignore that (in a good way) i admit that I do really & ofently think about it - those un-replied messages.

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Heretofore, being ignorant, is somewhat a perfect adjective defining myself. It's a very negatively charged term branded here. To a certain point, i may not be able to clarify why i bring up this word to this post? How much explaining should i do when someone finds out that i am this ignorant - but there, the title of this blog, says it all. My heart sweats when i think of those purposely-not-replied messages, and i imagine what it might have looked like if i replied back momently, what it might have changed if i further read the flow of all the conversations.

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This is the part where I get stuck, where I keep deleting the paragraphs and staring at the blank space for a lot of minutessss.... because this is the part where I have to write that my everything has ended, definitively ended, and that the life I've known, the life I'd thought I'd have, is over. Now that i've turned back to emptiness. This emptiness offers me a chance to do things that console me most right now: to have a long more pause cuz i don't want questions about my being; i don't want to ponder my past and its many failures; i don't want to worry more about what may or may not be; I don't want to be agitated over how worthy i am or am not of someone else's time, attention, affection, etc.; i don't want to wonder if i will ever find someone who will look deeper and see me for all that i am and can be. And so - emotionally tormented - i am willing to shut my speeches down. I am now on my break.... my long mind-vacation.... to have my anguishes seized, and not let so much hinge on every little thing.

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I guess overall, i have done well enough in keeping a balance wheel of being open & honest to others but also keeping private about what i want to keep private. I'm now on a path which is both terrifying and completely foreign, and i have no clue what the heck is going to happen next. I want to believe it will all be o.k., and deep inside i know it will be, but right now, there are just these - the sadness, emptiness and overwhelming sense of failures. It will all be fine, i pray, but before there is sunlight in my life again, I have to embrace and survive these darknesses.

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So I am now learning and practicing. To be self-sufficient. To do things i never thought i'd need to do. To live this destined life of mine. To take a long break. To be alone....

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