this far

Every week, there's like a number of fixations rotate in and out of my mind. Some last few days, others stay longer. The point is they are there.... I've warned myself not another sad post, not tonight. I will not write it, i will not talk about it. Not another depression to be detailed here, not today. I will not detail about it, no i won't: I said!

Yet, i forget. I, however, forget that i'm not the only left falling into this excruciating emotion trap. Though i have the conviction of the world's best poker face - and yet, however determined i am - i don't always want to be this strong and emotionless. Sometimes, i just want to be sensitive and take everything personally; i just want to be not made to feel like a loser for that! i want my questions to be spoken out straightly by me and have them honestly and patiently answered.

I have striven so hard to be this inactive. I have made this far, so i can go on further still. I'll fight all the way through the climax. And however true or untrue that may be, it is lost on me in the day-to-day. I said it's okay. I will always express this confirmation no matter, in one way or another, in the future this could be true or untrue. I say this without a shred of self-pity, without wanting someone to tell me that i am so pitiable. Right now, i am a loser; an officially loser! What else can i be? When you look at the real happening for what it is, there's little amount of people would encourage me to keep fighting forward. Of course, i don't tell anyone i am a loser; i instead try to explain what's going on in my heart, the feeling i have about my determination and the way others might put a blame on me about how i become such a loser.

Thus far, there is no way for me to get into the details of the HOWs and WHYs here. There's never enough space for it, and this isn't the place for that. This is about just me - for what i have been or will be going through and how my life is changing and how i am dealing with it all - and the role this fact plays in my life. I know there are much more ahead before i really feel better. This ending was a long time passing, but it makes no difference when it's still slapping you right in the face.

I look at my life now as if every action is practice. Practice for the moment that i am now truly alone, with no one to help me in anyway, thou i also don't need help. I have been thinking about the way most of the posts shown in this blog will reflect the next new aspects to come in my life. I am sure some people have been through all what have been written here, so they are now on a journey with me, and i really wish, for their sakes if not my own, that i could turn this blog into something more amusing and with more various talk-outs than it's really going to be.

Thence, i only wish to remember that everybody including me is like this in one way or another; that some experiences or facts are worth taking and shouldn't be measured up against the past nor the future. And i also believe the way in which life takes away then turns right around to give more than you ever thought you could contain.

Joy denied is joy multiplied. Hope diminished is hope everlasting!

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