Blogging has been kinda tough lately. It may be because i have no thought or emotion that lasts long enough to do anything with it, to take a part in it, or to write about it. I've questioned myself a few times wondering if i would ever be the kind of a person who actively like to reveal past relationships to others publicly. I guess this is the part where i'll tell people a little bit about myself, my L-life. The matter has taken over every aspect of my life and my now-a-day personality - it has been inevitable. Mostly, when matters happened, I'd never debate how open i should be about it, even with those whom are closest to me. I apparently don't want what to be said just to be what spoken out to inform everyone, and then said no more. But, the situation here has been too cruel for me to contain inside, and that keeps urging on me earnestly trying to end my curiosity, and thus i feel as though i need to post the below letter for a REASON. After once, twice, and triple time of reading, i realised those thoughtful intentions, speeches & commitment were made and spoken out in a very wrong time being - irrespective of the above reason. I mean... i then miswrote, i then misunderstood the whole situation. So this seems i have a pattern here in an effort to note down a self-reminding remark and to leave as a recorded document of my ill-timed moments.~
There you read an eight-months-ago-written-and-sent-letter :
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"...If i am not wrong, i have not replied to you two emails and three times offline messages. I am doing alright here with my own way of life, just to let you know. How about you? How have you been doing in Cambodia. How's family and parents? How's everything there? I believe today is your birthday. I planned to choose today to talk to you as i have been so sure that i could never ignore you on this special day of yours. So here.... Happy Birthday To You!!!! All the best of lucks to you as well as your family, especially your parents. I hope they are doing great, healthy and happy as you wish them to be.
To be very honest, I do not loath you as you said. I've been instead thinking of you DAILY cuz i could feel like everything is still hanging around. Sometimes, I was happy because I was not able to think of you for the whole day, or maybe I was, but chose to ignore the thoughts. I'm beginning little by little to learn how to love myself and not entertain your presence. But, sometimes I still feel emotional and choose to think of the past and the good memories we had, even I know that it would worsen my situation.
Till today's date, it has been exactly one year, since the first day i hesitantly admitted my daring-love and instead got your false confession. Please don't get me wrong here for that i aim at blaming you by saying all this. If everything was meant to be true, that should be me to be blamed cuz i believe i had done something so wrongful to you while we were in that false love assumption. Frankly, i felt so betraying to your wish of wanting me to be your first-only-and-last love. I always consider time we did spend together as lovers is a close companion that goes along with me on my life journey. It reminds me to cherish each moment because, deep inside, i somehow could sense that it will never come back once again.
Destiny cannot be shaped or molded; even if it can be by some means, it's still a destiny of the destiny. So, there something has to be done between us, and we need to follow up. I'd like to apologize to you here for that i have been so long quiet. However, in order to have a relief outcome for the future, i need to have a break from the past. And for this i need a time. Yet, time and perspective have tempered my feelings, given me better understanding. And the fact that you and i are now becoming two complete someone(s) has turned this into something bittersweet for me, a chance to correct some assumptions, a chance for some redemption for both ends.
When i don't talk to you that does not mean i don't want the conversation nor to hear from you; from the deep down, i do, really want to converse. It is not because i don't think of you, because i do. It is not because i don't miss you, because i miss you already... Almost every day and every night, I fight this feeling, and i try as I might, but I can't win. It seems like, everything we've done and every word i heard from you since that last day you had admitted the fact, have captured my heart and my heart won't be able to escape from that grasp. And it pains me the most to learn that you can envision your life without me. It pains me to know that our supposed love has come to an end. It pains me to know that the love i have for you burns within that one day.
I strongly believe we have a certain destiny in our lives, and i'll be standing here to see how our story ends. I'd promise to you that i'll always keep in touch with you no matter what happens next, unless my life may circumstantially at any small chance ends. Here's my address just in case you will need for some reasons: '.........'
In a while, a long while, or a very long while, if you won't hear from me, i am here now begging you for an understanding. An understanding that i am still always be the one for you, the one that you so like but not love, regarding your valuations on me within your previous e-mail. I will always position myself this close to you until there's a man who could win your heart cuz then i know i will envy that only man, and give in. But, we'll be two someone(s) contacting each other still.
This far and up to now - i'd admit i still could feel you... i am still loving you silently alone. But, i will keep my promise to hold on to what i supposed. I just wish that somehow this heart of mine would learn to be contented - contented to be just missing you. Yet, so deep inside... there're many reasons i already knew as a stand block to not let this one side romance relationship working out fruitfully. It's not the miles that separate us, the moments do it all. Once again, Happy Birthday To You! May this great day brings you all of the possibilities you ever wish for...
~"...If i am not wrong, i have not replied to you two emails and three times offline messages. I am doing alright here with my own way of life, just to let you know. How about you? How have you been doing in Cambodia. How's family and parents? How's everything there? I believe today is your birthday. I planned to choose today to talk to you as i have been so sure that i could never ignore you on this special day of yours. So here.... Happy Birthday To You!!!! All the best of lucks to you as well as your family, especially your parents. I hope they are doing great, healthy and happy as you wish them to be.
To be very honest, I do not loath you as you said. I've been instead thinking of you DAILY cuz i could feel like everything is still hanging around. Sometimes, I was happy because I was not able to think of you for the whole day, or maybe I was, but chose to ignore the thoughts. I'm beginning little by little to learn how to love myself and not entertain your presence. But, sometimes I still feel emotional and choose to think of the past and the good memories we had, even I know that it would worsen my situation.
Till today's date, it has been exactly one year, since the first day i hesitantly admitted my daring-love and instead got your false confession. Please don't get me wrong here for that i aim at blaming you by saying all this. If everything was meant to be true, that should be me to be blamed cuz i believe i had done something so wrongful to you while we were in that false love assumption. Frankly, i felt so betraying to your wish of wanting me to be your first-only-and-last love. I always consider time we did spend together as lovers is a close companion that goes along with me on my life journey. It reminds me to cherish each moment because, deep inside, i somehow could sense that it will never come back once again.
Destiny cannot be shaped or molded; even if it can be by some means, it's still a destiny of the destiny. So, there something has to be done between us, and we need to follow up. I'd like to apologize to you here for that i have been so long quiet. However, in order to have a relief outcome for the future, i need to have a break from the past. And for this i need a time. Yet, time and perspective have tempered my feelings, given me better understanding. And the fact that you and i are now becoming two complete someone(s) has turned this into something bittersweet for me, a chance to correct some assumptions, a chance for some redemption for both ends.
When i don't talk to you that does not mean i don't want the conversation nor to hear from you; from the deep down, i do, really want to converse. It is not because i don't think of you, because i do. It is not because i don't miss you, because i miss you already... Almost every day and every night, I fight this feeling, and i try as I might, but I can't win. It seems like, everything we've done and every word i heard from you since that last day you had admitted the fact, have captured my heart and my heart won't be able to escape from that grasp. And it pains me the most to learn that you can envision your life without me. It pains me to know that our supposed love has come to an end. It pains me to know that the love i have for you burns within that one day.
I strongly believe we have a certain destiny in our lives, and i'll be standing here to see how our story ends. I'd promise to you that i'll always keep in touch with you no matter what happens next, unless my life may circumstantially at any small chance ends. Here's my address just in case you will need for some reasons: '.........'
In a while, a long while, or a very long while, if you won't hear from me, i am here now begging you for an understanding. An understanding that i am still always be the one for you, the one that you so like but not love, regarding your valuations on me within your previous e-mail. I will always position myself this close to you until there's a man who could win your heart cuz then i know i will envy that only man, and give in. But, we'll be two someone(s) contacting each other still.
This far and up to now - i'd admit i still could feel you... i am still loving you silently alone. But, i will keep my promise to hold on to what i supposed. I just wish that somehow this heart of mine would learn to be contented - contented to be just missing you. Yet, so deep inside... there're many reasons i already knew as a stand block to not let this one side romance relationship working out fruitfully. It's not the miles that separate us, the moments do it all. Once again, Happy Birthday To You! May this great day brings you all of the possibilities you ever wish for...
Take a great care..."
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So here i feel for myself: there was something which is one of the sweetest memorable experience of a lifetime, and now turns into a something which equals to a nothing here. Still, it's a lesson, a support, and a willingness to help me put my broken L-life back together into one whole piece again - and for which i will always be grateful.
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