parts of mE

Part of me feels like i've never undergone thru that emo.

Images from recent memories flash across the dim of the evening.
Scene after scene, this heart is felt as being drilled.
Hole after hole, pain is growing too heavy to bear; can't let go.

Part of me tells how 'encountering' shall never be soon again seen.

But, the passing of days makes it even more unbearable.

Mindlessly hoping for the light at the end of the tunnel,

there the lack of self-sureness is just no longer weighing in.

Part of me often proves people wrong over my writing and speech.
Through words of mouth, no one knows i am a fragile sum1,
just like a thin piece of lace, they saw me as a solid string.
Only when the misery takes place, here's all about the breach.

Part of me reminds me of those pasts where failures rained down.
One record of failing at a time, memory stained my history.
As much as experiences hurted me: in a strange way, i needed it.
'That which hurts also instructs.', a saying said; and that's how it sounds.

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rEbuilding,

lEtting go, building up.

It was quite a long while, in a specific period of time, for i used to be wholly brutal and hardhearted toward relationships - getting involved with people, then tossing them aside. My adult romance life had become somewhat an angry and bitter hunger. One after one...and after one, footprints came and went disappeared. Looking back at times, none of the relationship i walked with had walked in steps with me. I just didn't exactly know how; it was just that the possibilities never seemed to be hoping. I saw myself those days through those grey and dirty moments and realised those plans appeared to be unrealistic. Indeed, it felt good, back before everything in my entire life had changed, to take some concrete steps and to feel some progress. But, in going through all i've been through and through... again and again... in the last five years - there were some of the regressions. I was repeatedly astounded by the way i had to be that relationship-playing type of guy. How could i not analyze everything that was happening to me - the things i did..., the feeling i felt...?

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When i was in my pre-mid-twenty, i thought i had found one right commitment. Which was, i thought i had found a real mature life's trend i was going to belong to, and more importantly, the person whom i was going to be belonged. A long while back then, i believed in fate in a demonstrated amount, though now it's nothing, but laughable. 'Fate' had been playing a great deal in putting my belief into predestination to survive in relationships. whatever happened then, it was just all fated. Without thinking of various alternatives, i was just stuck with an option. Without finding initiatives to restore a bitterness, i did wrongly turn the bitterness in spreading great deal feedback on others. It seems that the most amorous part of my life had been spent with just that very first 'someone' - though, few years later, i limped off with another. Before then, i had walked my life in between predestination and complete free will; i did always believe in both. I experienced some things in life, more often than not, as simply being fated; but, in general, people do always have the right and ability to choose if they would or not follow those fates.
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I genuinely don't know what the future holds, and for now, there is nothing but the present moment, which, in the opposite way of the above brutal and hardhearted manner, i feel like there's a real light in my heart - as of late . This light expands with thoughts that make me smile. It seems now i am letting these thoughts of my most ever hopeful time flow through me for a while, wishfully, forever. I'm just being optimistic for now and hoping for these thoughts to keep flowing and mingling, and the light of this heart will seem to be growing. Guess by then i will just relax and feel this inside light fill me everlastingly - with a soft, gentle, and magical glow. And even in the face of this uncertainty of wishing, i would love to have it no other way than i'd love to do as it is right now: the will to be, the steps i am taking.
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aftEr a nap

After a nap...

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...yet it has come to be this isolation that i, at this very moment, could only look to myself to recall the way the possibility all began. For the disarray and constant desire for something more than this, i am now striving to find this clear being that i envision, yet i seem to miss and confuse. Could it be that because i am sensing emptiness or that because i am feeling a little loss? Or could it be for the reason that i am finding myself as lonesome or because i am hastening for a constant happiness for any costs (though i seem cannot afford a highly rated one)? I believe this never-ending anxiousness is something that i am yet living deep inside no matter how well i could self protect the illusion of my thought from being depicted in regard of disporting one's mind...

Shall i get back to sleep? ===> Mentally, nop; physically, yep!

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an autumn aftEnoon - day sixth

Today's Autumn afternoon has grown so cold and windy.
I woke up late feeling happy blended with dizzy.
Having tried to touch keyboards to describe the feeling.
But too bad i could not sense all of my sudden well-being...
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The Autumn afternoon had withdrawn into itself.
And left me feeling frozen inside like a gel.
Raindrops kept pouring into existence from a leaking sky.
Polishing off my idle mind as later the grey afternoon turned bright...
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The wind had blown the rain into nonentity.
That looked as if the 2 nature things trying to conquer the territory.
I could soon tell how fast the rain would disappear.
Just as the wind blustering torrential rain with no fear...
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'Wind' and 'rain' are seemed the afternoon's two metaphors.
Which keeps urging on me to battle in life like going to a real war.
And though at times menaces may somehow take place.
Unlike a prisoner, i then sure won't surrender with a disgrace...
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I've learnt a past can't be changed and a future is still in my list.
Finger crossed, one day i could soon make it accomplished.
There is no corner, no dark place, no room a desire can't be fulfilled.
And if the world starts causing waves, it's our devotion that makes them still...
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Here're all the thoughts the afternoon has taught and reminded.
With the two metaphors of 'wind' and 'rain' which are combined.
By inducing a hope this self have thrilled to thrive.
I just keep prompting myself, i will live each day to come with no alibi...

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rEbuilding