Bit by bit, I start to feel my chest is gaining weight.... Beat by beat, I start to lose sense of my heartbeat.... Breathe by breathe, I start to sense it's getting tougher for me to breath.... And slowly, my mind is consumed by disturbance, every picture is just getting dim.... Those feelings
Time after time, I remind my deeds from those pasts.... Word after word, I utter "Sorry" to those i love and respect.... Day after day, I detain myself locked in the room.... Night after night, I think of leaving all ma beloved ones for the new incarnation.... Those actions....
Feelings and actions.... Everything just seems to be out of my control in those suddens. I just couldn't explain all the reasons, I just couldn't restrain myself out of it, I just couldn't stop it....I just couldn't.... And it now causes me helpless, hopeless and hapless.... This is all about my anguishes....
Have you ever faced a heartbreaking situation???? You don't need to be a forlorn lover to have suffered heartbreak. People with high expectations from themselves are prone to heartbreak; and that's "mE"! I know old men and women who face heartbreak because of an irresposible son. War-torn family struggles with heartbreak too, but that isn't "my conditioN". Instead, I do have a very fine beautiful family, a family whose its members belong together, but somehow, the generation gap in my family is far apart. I mean there's not much can be done to make my parents agree on things which are faulty made by their sons, especially big faults. In resulting, some of those big faults remain confidential until it's successfully solved or even never be revealed, while some others become huge and worsening. This has been our tradition among us sons to seal all the mistakes we committed and will commit. This is a plague, indeed....
To shape and bend a tree, it has to be done when the tree is young and supple. To attempt to bend the branch of an old tree will result in breaking it. So it is with man, a young child's values, attitudes and abilities can be shaped and bent under favourable conditions. It's the way of nurturing. To make an old man change his values and attitudes is an almost impossible task. His mind is too rigid with age and not receptive to new things. He would probably break if we try too hard to change him....
The family has been my hardcore issue since I left them pursuing my independent life abroad; I do love, respect, and devote to them. These 3 commitments seem so perfect to be defined as a good "mE". Yet, tehre's hope in despair to be called as a good
"mE" cus one huge mistake of mine erases all those 3 ingredients defining
"mE". People say each drop of rain can make the ocean different, and that's so true in comparing to my condition. I wish it is more possible to make parents see things the same way as i do and forgive me with that huge mistake. Hme.... now the only course left open is for me to remain love them and let them be what they want to be. It is up to the old to accept the young as they are, love them and guide them with their wisdom. It is also up to the young to accept the old as they are, love them and be guided when necesarry. In time the old will leave the world, the young will be the old and the yet unborn will become the young. The cycle continues while the generation gap needs not....
With experiences, I learnt not to start living tomorrow, tomorrow never arrives cus there's always tomorrow after tomorrow. Now that i am living my present, my day, which is day after day.... Christmas Eve is very soon coming. People are getting ready to celebrate their upcoming happy holiday while i am yet living my day after day just to see my hapless fate reaching its climax.... I was taught to start working on my dreams and ambitions. I got my dreams to succeed, however i failed to acquire those dreams cus I had dreamed of the wrong dreams. Desire can be bad; desire can be good; and this is logically right. Somebody once said "the biggest room in the world is the room for improvement". Thus, my hope is not yet in despair. I am and will be with all of my commitment to re-dream my right dreams that will brighten up my fate. Hope is the energy that feeds my soul. Hopefully, hope can even work miracles for me....
Things happen on each everyone of us ....and i found some are tough to compress within.... that's why i'm bringing it out not to seek agreement from others, but just to open up my memory chest.... Soothing words heal broken hearts and mend relationships, but not in my condition. The exit of my dream is right in front of me; I'm feeling the curtain is falling over my story. I've been trying to hold on the rope as hard as i can, but somehow, very soon, doubt will cover my sight, and those past of mine will be revealed....
rEbuildinG,
This last Monday of the year, all i can do is to hold off my falling tears. With this last day, with this last night, I am alone in my mind with big sighs cus i am feeling down. I am alone in a city that is not my town. I am alone with people all around. I am alone with friends whom I have not found. I am alone with dreams long ago. Yet i am alone with long more to go. I am shelter when other feel pain; i am comforting when other approached. I am loved by the world, but why can't i love myself? Why can't i feel other people's joy? I'm sure some people might call me stupid; some others might call me selfish. But if only they could feel my pain, if only they could understand cus i never wished to be sad. I would never while no one would. But I guess this is what i am going through and i know things would get better. One day i will feel like a babe again. One day i would watch the sunrise again, but, again, why can't i help myself? *sight* I am just gone with the winds with no direction. I am just like the lonely winter tree with outstretched branches without any leaves left. Well, i am sorry; i have no idea what i am talking about, but i am sure it's all about a storming mind in this sleepless night.
