Thirteen hours have already passed since the last time I had my lunch. I have yet to eat my dinner before getting to sleep, but I don't even feel a bit of hungry just now. My eating habit is starting to get worse and worse lately, occasionally when I do not get to work. Few-weeks holiday is so damn long for me so as I have already expected to lose few kgs of weight although I wish not to happen. At this very moment I'm feeling the heat from every part of my body; it's even warmer than the heat from my bedroom heater. My sight is getting dimmer and dimmer though my eyes are yet to open to be awake for the next meal. The temperature in my body is now telling me that in the very next moment I will be officially sick.Mum and dad, your son is starting to miss you again now during this every moment.... missing you so badly now....=( Every single day counted from my first vacation day, I have been feeling all these anxieties for that I miss home and family. I have been thinking of every beloved one of mine all this holiday long, whether or not they do think of me in return. I would love to speak to everyone of them that I do miss, love and care of all each, but I just can't...., I just can't act.... I just can't do, as though something is barring my brain from flowing my mind into speeches. All I can do now is to spread these speeches into piece of words.
Beloved mum and dad, do you both know that i was holding on my tears from falling down at the moment I said I miss you both???? Do you both know that at the moment I want to lay down in you both's arms???? If possible I wish god can convert these emotional feeling of mine into dreams so that both of you would know how hurtful I am every time I do miss you both. I should not have left you all these years; I should not have shown you that I was the greatest son; I should not have caused you given me all those trusts; I should not have done all these....; I should not have walked this life alone without you both near me.... Why? Why? Why?
All these next remaining days of this year-end are soon being faded away by the motion of this earth. The new page of year will take its turn for the new page of life of all living beings. I wish I will hopefully get a better life within New Year's page so that I might be able to show my gut going back home for the next visit. Leaving my parents, leaving my family, leaving my relatives and leaving my friends, aren't what i want; why do I keep doing this to myself? In life, there are no real goodbyes to family, friends and beloved ones, but it's sure an emotional struggling feeling to leave all of them. To all of you, parents, family & friends, I would love to thank for embarking on the journey of a life time with me, your loves, trusts and supports have guided me and kept me smiling inside my struggling chest. It is my honest hope that all of you would take something away from this writing.... May god bless us all....
rEbuilding,
2 commEnts:
because adapting to "the other" really hurts and leaving things behind hurts, especially when these things have always been there although you ve looked oddly at them as if they had been extraterrestrial throughout ur whole 22 years old life. And then you have been wanting to go away and when you do, 2 years afterwards you cant stop asking yourself "where am i?" and "what am i doing here?" and "what was it that i wanted?". But this is just being human and living on earth and letting adulthood slowly get in. We never wanted to be adults afterall..although weve longed once to be there.
But one thing i tell you: its been hard, but i dont regret and i am not sad.
take care!
I have been so strong all these years and it's pretty hard to hold on ma feeling... and there's some bad happennings beyond the story which saddens me... thz for da comment; ya too...take care!!
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