I did spend quarter of a year prior the arrival of my coming-back-home wishing that my life was possibly settled. For a never-do-well like me, with the tendencies and issues that i have, the impressions of instability and chaos are so dirty hard to live with and work through. Ever since i two months ago made it once again to step on this city, Phnom Penh - things have happened and are happening...!
Passing through the very late of 2008 and the very early of 2009, i was so deep in thought for a turning point that i knew i had to take a real concrete step towards creating whatever sense of stability and normalcy i could, erasing what's embedded in the head, no matter how valuable those memories and dignities are... And while i've done some concrete plans, a lot of things have not been really working on myself and the way i see and handle things. Beyond this said things, various states of extreme confusion and disorder even more cursedly have fallen out over my family's fate. We lost one of our greatest beings... Warmth among family members and relatives started to breach... Dignity and faith wherein family have been spoiled... Wealth and fame have been damaged... Plans have been ruined... Tears have been dry-cried... Relationships and loves have been poisonous broken... Chaos occurs... Again, i'm forthwith mourning inside with this blog alone.
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Here, i wonder!?! When will i find a chance to have the rest of this entire life be untouched by the negativity and sadness. May be then i will feel right in the head. I really can't shake the feeling that i am being this ruined by fate. I am still so insanely frustrated by this, because i don't really feel that i have a life to live for this figure of mine. My frustration and sadness are still a part a definition of me, and yet i'm trying so hard to move past them, or at least to be able to place them somewhere less consuming. I know that at this point, that will be the right thing for my well-being, for my healing and starting over.
!
Passing through the very late of 2008 and the very early of 2009, i was so deep in thought for a turning point that i knew i had to take a real concrete step towards creating whatever sense of stability and normalcy i could, erasing what's embedded in the head, no matter how valuable those memories and dignities are... And while i've done some concrete plans, a lot of things have not been really working on myself and the way i see and handle things. Beyond this said things, various states of extreme confusion and disorder even more cursedly have fallen out over my family's fate. We lost one of our greatest beings... Warmth among family members and relatives started to breach... Dignity and faith wherein family have been spoiled... Wealth and fame have been damaged... Plans have been ruined... Tears have been dry-cried... Relationships and loves have been poisonous broken... Chaos occurs... Again, i'm forthwith mourning inside with this blog alone.
!
Here, i wonder!?! When will i find a chance to have the rest of this entire life be untouched by the negativity and sadness. May be then i will feel right in the head. I really can't shake the feeling that i am being this ruined by fate. I am still so insanely frustrated by this, because i don't really feel that i have a life to live for this figure of mine. My frustration and sadness are still a part a definition of me, and yet i'm trying so hard to move past them, or at least to be able to place them somewhere less consuming. I know that at this point, that will be the right thing for my well-being, for my healing and starting over.
!
Thou i wished... i mourned... i complained... i wrote... i planned... i strived... i took steps, still nothing could be done. And so... i've lost in myself. It is a sharp pain to the heart, just like a storm of pain waiting to brew.
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Without a doubt it's a loss.
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