brokEn trust

Time goes by, life grows older. Weekends pass, weekdays replace. Things take turn, cycles move around. The sorrow comes and goes in life, tears come from the eyes, and i come across same same facts. The cycle of each my life's tastes arrives again, i can't escape, but to face it, bear with it, and mourn it. Pain....Pain....Pain.... comes and goes, but never long gone. Death causes pain; love causes pain; losing causes pain; missing causes pain; anger causes pain; hurt causes pain; crying causes pain; lying causes pain....; so many more causes pain. It had been a while since i last wept when there was ocean of sorrows running into the heart inside my so tight chest.... I then could do nothing, but to let tears flow down my cheeks. It has been my same same choice i often do to calm down my heart. It's always this better for me to take my sorrows out of my heart into tears. When anger or sorrow is surging, it's so d*** hard for me to control, but weep, just to sweep those sorrow and anger away with tears.

My anguishes are sometime building up so close to exploding cus of angers. I always have no second thoughts everytime my body shakes with anger. That line slowly starts to overstep the line of forgiveness, and, luckily, that never happens cus i never wish for it to happen. I am so wondering why recently anger has become my friends? Why recently i am so sensitive to getting angry? I sometimes feel my heart is empty everytime anger arises. It becomes cold as ice so as it reaches to break. That icy heart leaks out of water, and that water drips and slips away the trusts inside my heart. How can you trust someone if that someone has broken your trust? Those moments ....sigh....

Though trust is just a word, it still has its powerful & meaningful fact. It is a feeling that always worth achieving. It is to me a MUST. The warm inside my heart is fueled by the trust itself being given. It is so d*** hurtful when i, myself, can't give out trusts. I am now so scared to trust and being trusted. I used to break those....'s feelings, and, as well, used to be left broken inside. I am simply scared; it's not about others, it's about me, myself. Once each time it's left broken, the capability of building back up is getting weaker and weaker.

....yet, nothing is greater than the compassionate feelings and love that support my willingness to forgive. This compassionate feelings has always been inside me. Love and forgiveness are the only 2 advantageous feelings i possess just to share with those whom are meant to be given....

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rEbuildinG,

bottlEs of carlsbErg

Couldn't sleep any longer i woke up.... dang, that was about 6 am of my Saturday; poor me.... woke up this early Sat*. Tho i can remember every motion i moved and every word i wrote, yesternight was my only night i fell asleep without looking at the Clock; i fell asleep with no intention of sleeping. I'd say things happen for reasons and so did i....lol As far as i can recall, I started to be socialised drinking after i was done my 22. It was then a year afterward, few years ago, i consumed more limit of alcohol my body can bear. I then ended up puking out, and passed out on my friend's bed....; shame on me huh !?! Later that day i self promised i would never consume that much of the drinking again, drink not to puke. Few years later, which was last night, i apparently did drink over my limit again (i did it for few reasons), but look....i didn't break my rule; thank to my self-promising of puke-drinking. Though i am not that an official drinker, i can always socialize in drinking and could always be able to set my limit for not to throw up. It's not about being scared of puking, but it's about being a son of my parents :P I am obligatory to do so for a pride of them. Since that few-years-ago incident, i'd say i drink less than ten times a year, and mostly from 1 to 3 bottles (330ml). Em.... what else should i say? Well, it has been few hours now after i woke up. It seems like i am waiting to do something, but somehow i can't do it by now. Instead, to kill the time, i've been doing some of my house chores and reading some jokes to get myself out of that depressant mood. Here i got 2 jokes related to drinking to share; it is just kinda fairly funny to me. There it tells....
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Drunk

Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best lay in town!" Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, and the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just screwed your mom, and it was sweet!" Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!" Finally the guy interrupts. "Go home, Dad,... you're drunk!"

Classic affair
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent." The bartender handed the man a beer.
One Cent?" the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked: "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"
"A nickel," the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied: "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied: "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."

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rEbuildinG,

blaming mysElf

It has been a long while I don't have any posts to publish. Been writing some self emotional stuffs to post for these past missing days, but somehow i don't have guts to publish them as new posts. These days passed.... I have been experiencing so many tastes ranking from excitements to heartaches. Guess why i have been this excited and heatbreaking? I'd say because of so many reasons and things which brought me into this. Guess why can't i have happy events to reveal? I'd say i do not even know myself. I have been questioning myself for so many times, but still i have yet to answer myself with some reasonable and acceptable sentences.

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More than 24 hours have passed. I finally made it; i could hardly made it for these more than 24 hours even i never wanted to; i heartbrokenly made it for these more than 24 hours for that i never wish to. I guess i have lost my head to have acted so; i guess have betrayed myself to have read those unwanted sentences; i guess i have broken my promise to have spoken those words out. This isn't me i would admit, but who would believe that? Who would value that? I guess none....! All i can say by now is i did it because i prefer myself not to see, not to read, not to know and not to feel more of those actions and those pieces of information because i am afraid one day my anguishes will outweigh my warm trust; i am afraid one day i lose this valuable fact.
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All these late weeks, i blame myself for the cold lonely moments no one will admit to aloud. I blame myself for all the broken promises wrought by circumstances beyond anyone's control. I blame myself for the back pressing against my bedhead every night. I blame myself for mumbling those unwanted words. I blame myself for wild anticipation of days that can hardly come. I blame myself for dreams woven of hopeless illusions. I blame myself for singing those sad songs. I blame myself for the nights that never have enough darknesses.... I blame myself for all of those people who are unlike me, blaming themselves....!?!

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rEbuildinG,

who is shE?

When i stop walking

she pushes against my back,
telling me to move forward....

When i look behind me
she blows in my face,
telling me not to look back....

When i get upset
she taps me on my shoulder,
telling me to let it be....

When i get angry
she soothes me,
telling me it's not worth it....

When i feel lonely
she's always there for me,
telling me i still have her...

When i cry
she dries my tears,
telling me it will all be okay....

When i whisper a secret
she listens,
telling me she will keep it safe....

When i blow a kiss
she takes it,
telling me it will reach the one i love....

Whatever i do
she reacts,
telling me what i need to hear....

....
....
....

Whatever she does
i treasure,
telling her back that she's my HALF!

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rEbuildinG,*

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PS: Who is she? She's alive, but not a living being. If only.... there's someone out there....

冬天的雨 - wintEr rain

Tonight, like other nights before, i can't get to bed as early as i promised, still. I feel the outside window wind is pushing my bedroom window as if there's someone knocking my door. The outside temperature has become warmer and warmer respectively as if Spring is right at the corner although it is yet about the mid of Winter. I now can feel the rain is falling pass my window melting the frozen piles of snow covering sidewalks. It has been four consecutive days the rain is showing its potential as if Spring and Winter are fighting for its turn. That's such a rare to have seen such heavy rains during this mid Winter season. The snow outside from those storming-snow-days before the New Year has now started to melt as if it's the running water of the valley. My feeling, my emotion, my mind, my anxiety, my stress, my hope and my sorrow are now all together floating up through the window to get mixed with those outside raindrops and strong wind. Since all these sixth senses of mine are out of my body feature, it seems to me like an emptiness has spilled my life's scene.

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The outside windy and rainy cold cozy nature is seemed mocking at me for what I have been acting inside alone. I look around me, and i am now in despair. I glance at each and every corner I feel so alone like in the nightmare. Plz help me for I am in despair for happiness and peace for my hope. Plz help me how to be able to make me a change, from this grieving and despair, a piece of mind, a will to make my days upon this grieving world. If i could just make that one difference, I would live much happier and peaceful. Now that I want to go out and stand in the pouring rain, so i can cool down my growing pain. I can see raindrops playing their game with the stormy wind at the parking lot. Even though each drop of rain they look the same, I know there's more to rain. Plz come rain, come with all your strength; I don't care how much you can pour down to earth, but i care to wish and see you coming just one more big time so that i can say the last goodbye to you and to make all my rainy days just go away....

So plz rain.... if you don't stop pouring as your last present i'd rather live my life this way inside my shelter through eternity, but if you stop and walk away then I will know my life isn't just a dream. Again, plz rain.... keep pouring for the last time to wash my sad eyes which are blurred by tears, the few teardrops which hold a hundred diffrent reasons....

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rEbuildinG,

how do you mEasurE succEss?

....Sigh.... I shall measure "success" here in the business of living; in other words how to live a successful life. For most people, money and material gains seem to be the most, if not the only important thing in life. They go all out to make as much money as they can. Thousands play the lottery, horse-racing, and other forms of gambling, both legal and illegal. Yet others work themselves to death, slogging day in and day out for the financial gains promised. Some of them do become very rich indeed. They go around in huge gleaming cars and live in sophisticated condominiums and mansions. They are members of some select clubs, wear designer clothes and generally look every inch the kind of successful people so often idealised on Television.

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Rich they may be and successful they may seem, no one knows exactly what goes inside them. They are cases of very rich people who committed suicide. Some shoot themselves, some poison themselves and some starve themselves to death. The obvious thing is that these people are not happy, even with enormous riches. I know of a relative who, despite being very rich, has become senile. Money is no longer of any use to him. He does not even know how to look after his basic needs thus causing immense problems to his family. Therefore, I personally believe that a rich person is not necessarily a happy one.

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In politics, there are many who struggle for power and position. Arguments among Prime Ministers and members of senates or national assemblies, corruptions in governmental system, switching parties by some political leaders, and even some suicide bombings can be read daily in the newspaper in some specific countries. Political parties are plagued by unrest, in-fighting and dissent. One faction tries to oust another. Some members tries to attain a position of some sorts, where he can wield power of some kinds and show importance of some degrees. When all is said and done regarding these happenings to some political leaders I would personally say a succeed political leader is not necessarily a happy one.

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Sport too is not spared this affliction. We read often about sports officials quarrelling with one another. We read too about how some people or teams would go about doing almost anything just to win. Cases of match-fixing and bribery abound. Nasty words are exchanged. Spectators go on the rampage. Players quit, or are sacked. Why do people behave so irresponsibly? The reasons that i can see are: for power, position and riches. Fortune follows fame, riches follow power. "To win is the only thing" becomes the motto of each sportsman involving in our today lives. The struggle goes on, sports stars rise and fall. World champions emerge and then disappear with equal speeds. Countries boycott the Olympics and other international games. Sports and games have become just like politics. Only few, or may be none, are happy. It is therefore a world Champion is not necessarily a happy one.

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In the final analysis, success boils down to only one factor, which is happiness. If one is unhappy with oneself then no amount of external things can alter the fact. I, for one, consider happiness to be the prime importance. The reason are so simple and obvious. Is it not better to be able to walk safely around in public with only a few cents in your pockets than to be loaded with thousands and be afraid of being robbed? Is it not better to be able to travel freely about inconspicuously and enjoy all the wonders around you than to sit hidden in an armour-plated car driven around at breakneck speed fearful of possible assassins? Is it also not better to be able to kick the football about for the fun of it than to get all sorts of abuse when you fail to score the match-winning goal? Finally, is it not better to be able to live each day happily than to be filled with anxieties about how to be rich, or to be famous and in the end find that happiness has eluded you?

These are some destined questions to be answered and clarified since different people have different way of thinking. In very few cases, ones are happy to commit bad things, to deal with some sorts of high risks, to get involved in all kinds of gamblings, so on and so forth so as to afford their so-called happy successful lives. To some extents, hence, it is up to an individual to decide whether or not to choose the right path in order to reach his/her own affordable happy successful life. One has a dream of a lifetime for the success and happiness; it would be a calamity if one dreams of the wrong dream cuz then one would end up with a big retreat in his/her life journey. Thus, success becomes failure; happiness becomes fear; life becomes junk.

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rEbuildinG,

Tirk muoy dom norkk - poEm

One of our greatest fears in life is that of losing someone we love. It does count from simple friends to real soulmates. This fear plagues us from our childhood and continues to do so all through adulthood. So, if you love someone, you say it, you say it right then, out loud, or the moment just passes by you. If it doesn't work out or even work out not that long as desired just let it be cus love may start as the strongest passion but when time passes and the storm of emotions calms down, relationships once so bright and full of surprises become routine. It drags on for a while and then comes crisis. A couple can either survive through it or fall apart. I am yet in no way illustrating myself via the following poem. Just in case for any of the readers who has lost a loved one or will expect to lose a loved one, this poem would in some ways matchs your heartache.

g

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Tirk muoy dom norkk

Tirk sarb muoy torkk

srorkk khnong samut

pi bark bom phot

neng bon sarb barn.

g

phkar rus rouy heury

mdech leouy breor brarn

kro pum tiet barn

douch derm vinh te.

mjass snae khngum eury

oun neng barn ke

ter song-khim te

rir kor yang na.

g

bang teorng song-khim

khnong pheap soa-kar

tha jamm ji va

tiang khmean song-khim.

rEbuildinG,

PS: pls refer to me with any of my Khmer-english words you do not understand via the below comment section.