It has been a long while I don't have any posts to publish. Been writing some self emotional stuffs to post for these past missing days, but somehow i don't have guts to publish them as new posts. These days passed.... I have been experiencing so many tastes ranking from excitements to heartaches. Guess why i have been this excited and heatbreaking? I'd say because of so many reasons and things which brought me into this. Guess why can't i have happy events to reveal? I'd say i do not even know myself. I have been questioning myself for so many times, but still i have yet to answer myself with some reasonable and acceptable sentences. *
More than 24 hours have passed. I finally made it; i could hardly made it for these more than 24 hours even i never wanted to; i heartbrokenly made it for these more than 24 hours for that i never wish to. I guess i have lost my head to have acted so; i guess have betrayed myself to have read those unwanted sentences; i guess i have broken my promise to have spoken those words out. This isn't me i would admit, but who would believe that? Who would value that? I guess none....! All i can say by now is i did it because i prefer myself not to see, not to read, not to know and not to feel more of those actions and those pieces of information because i am afraid one day my anguishes will outweigh my warm trust; i am afraid one day i lose this valuable fact.
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All these late weeks, i blame myself for the cold lonely moments no one will admit to aloud. I blame myself for all the broken promises wrought by circumstances beyond anyone's control. I blame myself for the back pressing against my bedhead every night. I blame myself for mumbling those unwanted words. I blame myself for wild anticipation of days that can hardly come. I blame myself for dreams woven of hopeless illusions. I blame myself for singing those sad songs. I blame myself for the nights that never have enough darknesses.... I blame myself for all of those people who are unlike me, blaming themselves....!?!
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All these late weeks, i blame myself for the cold lonely moments no one will admit to aloud. I blame myself for all the broken promises wrought by circumstances beyond anyone's control. I blame myself for the back pressing against my bedhead every night. I blame myself for mumbling those unwanted words. I blame myself for wild anticipation of days that can hardly come. I blame myself for dreams woven of hopeless illusions. I blame myself for singing those sad songs. I blame myself for the nights that never have enough darknesses.... I blame myself for all of those people who are unlike me, blaming themselves....!?!
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rEbuildinG,
4 commEnts:
you couldn't write a single cheerful topic about yourself at all, could you? look at what you have written so far...blaming yourself, winter rain, black monday.....more to list down here..
I always want to and also be able to if only i am in those cheerful moods to do so. How could you do things against your will? I, to be frank, set this blog up just to stuff all of my anguished, anxious, sorrowful and heartached moments. Btw, who are you? Sorry to ask cus i am not that sure.... about who you are. Why don't you just self introduce instead of titling that pronoun "ME"?
Well, it is not that important for you to know who i am exactly, isn't it? Dun you realize that even you yourself the owner of this blog, don't tell the readers your real name too. I am very confident that rebuilding or it has bothered me...human beings.... is not your real name..better you tell me and the other readers first about your real name. deal or no deal? Also, dun you think that your readers will feel bored to read your hard to laugh or smile stuffs? come on make a difference one just for the readers' sake. Anyway, your english is very good. I hope one day my english will be as good as yours. Btw did you grow up in your sad city? do you know how to speak fluent khmer as I do ot? I doubt that! laterz me ;)
Would you consider a person who asked for your name for that, instead, your name isn't that important for him to know? I don't reveal my official name to the public for several purposes. Being disliked saying things straightforward would be my first reason. Second of all, I set this blog as viewable by the public that means i am kind enough to readers and I'm pretty sure there are more anonymous viwers than those i invite. It is, therefore, better not to publish my real name there cus how would i know who would care to know my name. Last but not least, yet, i prefer to introduce my name by personal talk cus then there will be fairnesses of oneself information.
Well you may say this blog is boring for some or even most readers to read, i could feel it somehow...., but look.... Don't you see that "it has bothered...." header title? It does show readers already that somethings which are unpleasant described in this blog, so choices are for viewers, to read or not to read; each web logger has specific personal blog.... and so do i :P By the way, i'd say i wouldn't mind just to write happy little things for my readers' sake. Will try to persuade my mood to do so just for a reader like you.
Again, about English usage, mine for instance is just yet very limited. It is still way far below the par to be compared with those native "Englishers". I do use it from feeling, not from brain; so i guess you can't say it is good. I'm serious it is not as good as ya think. Most of the population in my SAD CITY do speak French. I live in this French society, tho some parts are bilingual, for 3 years now and been here in Canada for 6 years.
Talking of Khmer usage, i'm so pretty confident i am more fluent than you, no doubt about that....lol Haven't you taken a look at those Poetry posts? Well, you can call me Phea if you dun mind. How about yours????
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