lEtting go, building up.

It was quite a long while, in a specific period of time, for i used to be wholly brutal and hardhearted toward relationships - getting involved with people, then tossing them aside. My adult romance life had become somewhat an angry and bitter hunger. One after one...and after one, footprints came and went disappeared. Looking back at times, none of the relationship i walked with had walked in steps with me. I just didn't exactly know how; it was just that the possibilities never seemed to be hoping. I saw myself those days through those grey and dirty moments and realised those plans appeared to be unrealistic. Indeed, it felt good, back before everything in my entire life had changed, to take some concrete steps and to feel some progress. But, in going through all i've been through and through... again and again... in the last five years - there were some of the regressions. I was repeatedly astounded by the way i had to be that relationship-playing type of guy. How could i not analyze everything that was happening to me - the things i did..., the feeling i felt...?

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When i was in my pre-mid-twenty, i thought i had found one right commitment. Which was, i thought i had found a real mature life's trend i was going to belong to, and more importantly, the person whom i was going to be belonged. A long while back then, i believed in fate in a demonstrated amount, though now it's nothing, but laughable. 'Fate' had been playing a great deal in putting my belief into predestination to survive in relationships. whatever happened then, it was just all fated. Without thinking of various alternatives, i was just stuck with an option. Without finding initiatives to restore a bitterness, i did wrongly turn the bitterness in spreading great deal feedback on others. It seems that the most amorous part of my life had been spent with just that very first 'someone' - though, few years later, i limped off with another. Before then, i had walked my life in between predestination and complete free will; i did always believe in both. I experienced some things in life, more often than not, as simply being fated; but, in general, people do always have the right and ability to choose if they would or not follow those fates.
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I genuinely don't know what the future holds, and for now, there is nothing but the present moment, which, in the opposite way of the above brutal and hardhearted manner, i feel like there's a real light in my heart - as of late . This light expands with thoughts that make me smile. It seems now i am letting these thoughts of my most ever hopeful time flow through me for a while, wishfully, forever. I'm just being optimistic for now and hoping for these thoughts to keep flowing and mingling, and the light of this heart will seem to be growing. Guess by then i will just relax and feel this inside light fill me everlastingly - with a soft, gentle, and magical glow. And even in the face of this uncertainty of wishing, i would love to have it no other way than i'd love to do as it is right now: the will to be, the steps i am taking.
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