mE....

It has always bothered me a lot everytime I am asked to describe stuffs about me or related to me. In all my life i feel like I've been riding on a rollercoaster. Sometimes i yell, sometimes i scream. Sometimes i feel like i am on top of the world that i just want to raise my hands and shout out to everybody about how happy and contented i am. There are times when i feel like an excited, though mostly not. It's just like a wide-eyed child whose world is all about enjoying the roller-coaster ride with all its ups and downs. As naive and foolish as it may seem, i am actually happy this way. And sometimes i wish i could just stay this way, as playful as that child, forever.

Being unable to afford a good life is such a painful ordeal of a life time. I've yet been striving so hard in targeting maself to getting a good management of life. I guess ma life is up and down depending on each coming day, days in days out. Let say i've apparently so far been living as a night owl for yearssss, and there more yearssss to come.... My chest is getting heavier by every passing second and I just lose sense of my heartbeat, every breathe of mine just gets tougher and my mind keeps on feeling disturbed for all those reasons.... I'm so fed up of laughing empty laughs. Of crying meaningless tears. Of smiling empty smiles. Of nodding careless nods. Of staring hollow stares. I want something real. Something honest. Something blatant and sweet, for me to share with the rest of the world, without fear. I'm tired of living this painful life. I wish I could just scream. And shout like that happy little boy on the rollercoaster, who does nothing else than being honest to himself and to everybody else that hears.

These days' issues are coming up and down like the raging sea; settled this, and the next moment when i think everything is falling on the right track, another issue pops up. After that, another comes up again.... Sometimes, i just can't help myself but to wonder, what the hell is happening to my life???? Am i a cursed being or what???? How much i wish to shout out, shout out those desperations and frustrations in me, but, somehow, my logical side is too strong to allow me to fall into those fantasies.... Maybe cus it knows, i won't want to head to the exit and run away from everything.

THINGS happen on each everyone of us and i found some are tough to compress within that's why i'm bringing it out not to seek agreement from others, but just to open up my memory chest.... I am taught better not to let my past dictate who i am, but let it be part of who i will become. I admit, i did step across the line of rules; i did bend it somehow and i'm not escaping from those facts, but i just want to find a new page, a departure, even when there is no certain place to go. All i can do by now is to wish to be able to MOVE ON....



rEbuildinG,