a rEal dEal

With these very some first sentences starting here, i aimed at shouting to the heaven for a cursing moment that pisses me off and labels me as a somewhat loser. It was such a random thing with a huge impact that has managed to ruin my day - most likely weeks, months, years, or even a lifetime. I am yet flooded with that occurence of an incidence which is still driving me instantly frustrated with how dazed and vague my well-being was. How was that possible i could be provoked into something which is to most people a sh*tty consequence. How could i be not resisting and instead spending some minutes with those sh*tty spits?

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¡ [REALLY][CAN'T] [ANSWER] [FOR] [NOW] !

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All i can say here is a knot was already tightly tied there. I was teary-eyed to bite that bitterness for which i could sooo hardly bear with. With the couple first minutes it happenned, i broke into tears of resentment. I stood up breathless, feeling like having tons of rock in the tight chest, but then i felt the need to step back and to be less involved so that i could be on a more equal level. I have been doing since then self-persuadings... ; i tried to educate myself there about what i had reacted was purposely pro-Buddhism. I did that for the purpose of loving my beloved ones. I did that for peaces... I did that for self-rebuilding. I did that for those trusts and perspectives which have been put in me. And... then i did that with a self consent to put my manhood down.

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As yet, i can't predict whether that cruel occurrence will ever come back to me again, or it is already gone for good? If i was to lose, how will i survive with that memory? How will i keep pace with it? How much does my life lastly matter if in the end i won't be able to forget it for good? I'm wondering if only i could capture that moment in time and bottle them up and have the bottle buried deep underneath any deserts.

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Here i'm writing and telling myself: whatever happens i will go back to that one memory, that one night comforting my magma-temper. It's going to be possible, i keep saying... It's going to be possible that i'll be able to hardly strive to burn the moment with the deed that destructs my status of being a man.

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