moments passEd

At my age, assuming i am not the victim of my own temper. The last couple of weeks have stricken me one sharp blow, dramas, and some general crappinesses. Living through this life-falling-apart, thing has made me cautious in a way i never expected to be. I lately react to people with more protective of my feeling, of the choices i make and the way i behave that could damage my feeling. What everyone wants from life is continuous and genuine happiness. Three passions have governed my life: the longing for satisfying my beloved ones' needs, the self rebuilding, and the will to prove people wrong with their critical judgements on me. I believe a person will get tougher and grows up when facing obstacles in his/her life and i wish god will at any chance offer the blessing to this kind of person.
~

I guess i just can't connect together all the lines of those crappy things which were lately happened in one long post, and the point is... that wouldn't be worth reading and that would end up as one more another crappy post here. Let say it’s been so distressing to say something that is of no importance to others. But, the one thing i'd want to raise here and to say that it makes me ache in the most awful way is that i am underestimated.

~

So here the thing, the thing that when i feel like(once in a life time) to detail my account or to be honest of how i feel and of what i have done, it by default puts people in a position where they feel compelled to offer me with their instant feedback or advice and blame me as though they were right in my shoes without even weighing the real situation. I want to die at that point, because i feel like i spitted on my own face. I want to die for the fact that they could read the bad part from my telling, but why couldn't they accept my reasons for having done so? The whole purpose of sharing my feelings to people is just to share them; and that's it! I'm not fishing for compliments and neither I'm fishing for arguments. And I'm not painting myself to cover my crooked part either. I just don't understand why they can't judge me the other ways. If i was that real bad and if i knew myself i was that bad how could i just say things out? What a guy in his right mind would want to do so? How could i reveal my own scandals and pretend to seek for advices. Can't they just listen to the detail and find out the truth in me within time? Can't they just let the facts speak about themselves? Don't they know i have spent some years being rejected in every possible way? It is so saddening to see when you reconcile with someone and they can't really believe in your reality or your commitment to them.

~

Well, things have happened. Yet, i've spent so much time trying to re-clarify the content of my cognition, trying to fix the words that had been spoken out, and trying to console the broken feeling that had been downed. I so rarely regret things I do; i am instead mostly bothered by the things I did not do or did not say. And it seems to me here, laying on the bed right now with so many things to talk to myself for that i can't ignore staring me in the face, that there has been a shift inside me, the maturating change.

~

Echoing in the ears, there's now a whispering of a manly quality telling me that everything depends on this one memory, that one moment, and my ability to remember it, to build the story of my life and give that life a meaning; the life that has been refused to afford some good lucks; the life that is hard to get a certainty for its feeling. I wish that kind of certainty comes again, but just once more in this lifetime.

~