This Fall cozy dawn has poised me to stay awake with this beating rhythm i could now feel from the box of my chest. Every beating is telling me things which are to be compromised with this yet feeling that is oriented toward a supposed grievance. As a result, i am now starting to reconsider the attitude course of my once-in-a-long-while frustration. I hadn't been that pissed-off(about things in general) for a quite long time. Before since, no matter what negative things i felt, or even things about the relationship ones, anger had been somewhere always down the list. I usually remind myself that every day i live with is a meditation lesson toward improving my life course into very less negative as possible as that it could be. But, for this sudden moment, i'm regretting. ~
The pull of history, of the past habit formed over few years before years ago - and which was very hard to separate from - has gotten back and haunted me. It was too laced with my commitment, a pure commitment of what one may hard to possess, a decisive commitment for an unknown result. Just as the habit was lost to me forever, the striking act of binding myself to an expected reaction began. That strike had brought the fragility to the present beautiful bond, and it came to pass before that meditation lesson was fulfilled...
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There had been in my then-life, a sort of conditioning about how bad i was with my temper..., how bad i was so always angry,... and how bad i was to always carry my continuous anger and express it. It came from many directions, not just my failed relationships. I hate to look back and see that i had always had a temper, hate to realise that i just have boiled that temper, and hate to feel that at some points, the temper became the thing that defines me. To people outside the friendship zone, i am just a someone with my own distinctive way of life. To those whom once experienced my temper, i am basically just known to be explosive and wild in my anger, and i can't seem to avoid that label. There just came a point where they somehow considered that nothing i felt was valid or worth discussing or fixing because everything fell under the category of 'Sopheak's temper'.
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For i have now decided to bind myself in a light i want to live and enjoy with, i fundamentally get to this point where i need to change from being reasons and perfections oriented to just easily accept easier approaches and to approach the easiest thing to do in order to cope with the way to avoid an unpopular life. And i will, starting from today, stop expressing anger and anythings that resemble it. Will try to swallow it and will say YES when i mean NO; will always go along; and submit. Being understanding that the minute i raise a concern or objection, i'll be categorised as 'angry or mad' or 'temperamental' and whatsoever i feel will lead to the labels . I really need not to see that my feeling will be swept aside and considered worthless with the two mentioned labels they're based on. And, therefore, i'll never need to address my objection with whatever words to resolve my tension; doing so i will lose the person's interest or love or whatsoever specials in their insides.
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In a manner that facilitates, let the truth again slice into me that i must purge myself with the agony i cannot now concede. I'm ashamed to voice this out loud, but there it is. I must stop myself before i again get to that place where i'm too near to saying the things that may turn the person away from me. Because this is not what i want to do. I don't want to lose people for trying to express what and how i feel, or for asking questions for better understandings. Hence, I must not speak. I must stop. I must let my voice trail off. And I also must, just in case to ignore the hurting facts, instead make some fatuous speeches that will allow me to safely retreat.
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Do i sound guilty here? Are the above, apologetic paragraphs? I seem not to be able to answer these questions. I used to feel emptiness had built a home in this self's effort to not attain goals, to not enable me to share any space of my life with people or any special individuals, unceasingly. I felt the full weight of me upsetting and disappointing people had blamed back at me. It blamed me for i had used too many reasons for myself being angry, too many reasons for perfections. And to the deep of the actuality, i felt justified enough in feeling the angers. I had every basis to feel so..., i had every reason to feel it, and quite frankly, i felt it so rightly - but only that at some points it was appealing to me that every of my reasons had broken people's trusts and beliefs put in me. And so, all the consequences fell on me because the weights of commitment i invest there in the deal were always heavier.
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At this time period, i just want a continuous one more day with whom, to me, i can't afford to break her feeling. I will try to push aside the fact that there will be no more problems coming in, those which just keep constantly rehashing the same old ones. Will also fight against the growing feeling that i was not happy, that my belief and hope had turned into something where each and everyday i had to be less confident. The roller coaster between these uncertain feelings and 'happy' had been somewhat too insane in which i wish not to go by again. No matter what goes on i'll put my thought on a line, the line that borders facts and lies.
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The truth always comes to the surface, and it's doing just that. And i don't want my heart to be just one big black hole of despair again and...again, ...in another time; ...and repeating.
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