on 3-months-brEak

Many issues to discuss... Many things to describe... Many words yet to write... Many more strifes to endure...

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It has been somewhat a 2-months-off-blog that I can't compute my mood into where i used to be. I wanna tell that now i have come to a phase where good and bad things can possibly begin to happen. This is completely a strange new world for me (though it's where i once used to originate). Yet, i'm trying to make sense of it all. Been trying to push forward. Been trying to stay focused on both the positives and negatives. And at last, been trying to bottle up my fears and worries under a big CONTROL.

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midada's collection

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counting-down

This is where i was. I mean this post is where i was having my stomach screwed by the return of that fierce ulcer's strike. For four consecutive days for i could never beg for more in life, but to be a healthy person. I was so horrifically worried to have had missed my plan of backing home - to have had missed my family reunion. It is such a huge random thing that has managed to make my unhealthy days, most likely my whole week. And believe me or not that my days in this week have been somewhere between "hell" and "earth", and i wanted just to pick just one of each without having painfully been abused by that stricken disease.

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Having started to write, i could feel blood is rushing out through my very dried fingers' nails. December is still somewhere in two weeks-time more to come and the weather is already dropping down to -13 degree Celsius.

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Here's another winter has started tiptoeing into my life..., a lonesome life that's waiting for a new departure. Counting till that day ahead, it'll be exactly the amount of some years with no extra days i will have done living my life in this country's cities. Been spending time alone at this end of very long day thinking everything through - figuring out how my life will be changed after this new transition and wondering how i will be driven by things, the risky-made decisions(?). This through-thinking process makes me review some parts of my past, some choices i've made and why i made them. I know there is so much of my life consumed with me craving for how i have to be better in many ways: more patient, less frustrated, more fat, less revenging, and so far of more and so forth of less...

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That counts so many years i've been waiting for my one powerful sentence becomes real, the remedying sentence that one day: one day i must return; that i will..., i will always return to Cambodia. So having been here in this country, having been staying up late tonight to describe these things, having been so anxiously counting down to the departure date, and having had things left behind my failure here - i seem to feel that the clock is ticking towards the ending; and there's a shift inside me - a shift for everything.

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As yet, i'm beginning to wonder. I'm wondering how is it possible that i will fully be able to burn each bad moment of my life here with my departure into my brain. I could foresee that it won't be this soon, but hopefully not other six or seven years to get faded away. Also, i'm wondering when i become an alright man, how will i be able to look back and remember these days, these years? How will i feel and understand the passage of the years, the most unlikely happy moments, the pains, and the small part of fun? And if I can't remember any of it, how much does my life ultimately matter, if in the end, there is nothing for me to look back to...?

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Having wanted to end the last paragraph here, i shall reason out that there's no way to deny: it's obvious that there have always been lusts in my heart for all these years in fulfilling my tasks as a grown man, but then i thought of ways in which had found my temper caused a promising future demolished; how madness blinds me to possibilities...; how i let misunderstandings led me down the wrong path. Suddenly, then, thoughts of becoming the greatest son were all gone...

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Wishfully, it were gone for a better somthing...

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Why not pay one-cheap-shot for full equipped?

Interested? Pls contact via E-mailing option or ask for cellie.

(this is my advertizement in a local news paper)

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sEaling off

Of this late, about a week or two, i started to get scared of communicating with people whom i very closely+intimately know. I am scared just because i'm afraid the amount of commitments that i'd use to put in conversations would not be strong enough to persuade those persons to rightly feel that i do honesty care about them. I am getting tiring so pretty oftenly, recently. I feel like i no longer care to be strong or brave for someone(s) - so, that made me lashing out in ways i didn't want to. I wish there was always a way i could diplomatically explain those persons not to get me wrong by whatever ways. I guess it's smelly hard, so i again and again end up being ignorant as i used to be. I didn't mean to not evenly responsible for everything, because I was and that was why i sealed myself off emotionally from ways i wanted and played a big role in making everything fall apart. So yeah... it brings out the ugliest parts of me. I know sorry is something i don't wanna say, not because i did what i have done to hurt those somebod(ies), but because sorry won't make anything back or cause sh*ts away.

So here... i'm injecting what I felt and feel, because i remember very clearly all that was flowing through me as I wrote and talked those words - and here i'm noting down and trying to remember those cruel parts of me before everything is definitively changed.

I purposely posted this picture of me

with my 7 years old glasses

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moments passEd

At my age, assuming i am not the victim of my own temper. The last couple of weeks have stricken me one sharp blow, dramas, and some general crappinesses. Living through this life-falling-apart, thing has made me cautious in a way i never expected to be. I lately react to people with more protective of my feeling, of the choices i make and the way i behave that could damage my feeling. What everyone wants from life is continuous and genuine happiness. Three passions have governed my life: the longing for satisfying my beloved ones' needs, the self rebuilding, and the will to prove people wrong with their critical judgements on me. I believe a person will get tougher and grows up when facing obstacles in his/her life and i wish god will at any chance offer the blessing to this kind of person.
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I guess i just can't connect together all the lines of those crappy things which were lately happened in one long post, and the point is... that wouldn't be worth reading and that would end up as one more another crappy post here. Let say it’s been so distressing to say something that is of no importance to others. But, the one thing i'd want to raise here and to say that it makes me ache in the most awful way is that i am underestimated.

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So here the thing, the thing that when i feel like(once in a life time) to detail my account or to be honest of how i feel and of what i have done, it by default puts people in a position where they feel compelled to offer me with their instant feedback or advice and blame me as though they were right in my shoes without even weighing the real situation. I want to die at that point, because i feel like i spitted on my own face. I want to die for the fact that they could read the bad part from my telling, but why couldn't they accept my reasons for having done so? The whole purpose of sharing my feelings to people is just to share them; and that's it! I'm not fishing for compliments and neither I'm fishing for arguments. And I'm not painting myself to cover my crooked part either. I just don't understand why they can't judge me the other ways. If i was that real bad and if i knew myself i was that bad how could i just say things out? What a guy in his right mind would want to do so? How could i reveal my own scandals and pretend to seek for advices. Can't they just listen to the detail and find out the truth in me within time? Can't they just let the facts speak about themselves? Don't they know i have spent some years being rejected in every possible way? It is so saddening to see when you reconcile with someone and they can't really believe in your reality or your commitment to them.

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Well, things have happened. Yet, i've spent so much time trying to re-clarify the content of my cognition, trying to fix the words that had been spoken out, and trying to console the broken feeling that had been downed. I so rarely regret things I do; i am instead mostly bothered by the things I did not do or did not say. And it seems to me here, laying on the bed right now with so many things to talk to myself for that i can't ignore staring me in the face, that there has been a shift inside me, the maturating change.

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Echoing in the ears, there's now a whispering of a manly quality telling me that everything depends on this one memory, that one moment, and my ability to remember it, to build the story of my life and give that life a meaning; the life that has been refused to afford some good lucks; the life that is hard to get a certainty for its feeling. I wish that kind of certainty comes again, but just once more in this lifetime.

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my typEs

a rEal dEal

With these very some first sentences starting here, i aimed at shouting to the heaven for a cursing moment that pisses me off and labels me as a somewhat loser. It was such a random thing with a huge impact that has managed to ruin my day - most likely weeks, months, years, or even a lifetime. I am yet flooded with that occurence of an incidence which is still driving me instantly frustrated with how dazed and vague my well-being was. How was that possible i could be provoked into something which is to most people a sh*tty consequence. How could i be not resisting and instead spending some minutes with those sh*tty spits?

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¡ [REALLY][CAN'T] [ANSWER] [FOR] [NOW] !

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All i can say here is a knot was already tightly tied there. I was teary-eyed to bite that bitterness for which i could sooo hardly bear with. With the couple first minutes it happenned, i broke into tears of resentment. I stood up breathless, feeling like having tons of rock in the tight chest, but then i felt the need to step back and to be less involved so that i could be on a more equal level. I have been doing since then self-persuadings... ; i tried to educate myself there about what i had reacted was purposely pro-Buddhism. I did that for the purpose of loving my beloved ones. I did that for peaces... I did that for self-rebuilding. I did that for those trusts and perspectives which have been put in me. And... then i did that with a self consent to put my manhood down.

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As yet, i can't predict whether that cruel occurrence will ever come back to me again, or it is already gone for good? If i was to lose, how will i survive with that memory? How will i keep pace with it? How much does my life lastly matter if in the end i won't be able to forget it for good? I'm wondering if only i could capture that moment in time and bottle them up and have the bottle buried deep underneath any deserts.

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Here i'm writing and telling myself: whatever happens i will go back to that one memory, that one night comforting my magma-temper. It's going to be possible, i keep saying... It's going to be possible that i'll be able to hardly strive to burn the moment with the deed that destructs my status of being a man.

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titlE lEss

For what on earth how could this be true? Right at this moment i feel so defeated and overwhelmed that i can't even really describe things i want. I really don't know what i am going to fight for? Been thinking of why i try so hard to be open and honest when it doesn't make others to be open and honest in return? Why i make myself sick trying to be an all-around great person when there is no one who looks at me and thinks i am what they need and want? Why i'm worried about others, when no one worries about me? Why i go nuts trying to find thoughtful ways to show how i care when no one does that for me? I have made few attempts to figure out the matters. Been trying to look everywhere for clues - in the challenges that come my ways, in the strength of my faith, in all advices i got from people, and in all experiences i have been through - but the greatest clue i think is inside me.

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For god's and my own sake, i have devoted a good amount of time on my well spending 10-days-off, helping relatives with their mission loads as well as teaching myself to get against the will. Life has now made me to be what i once was going to willingly choose to be. And, i seemingly feel both prophetic and surprising here.

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For today, i started to go back to work. For some reasons, here i post 2 shots at my workplace. And a freshly taken picture of mine - a geek in red. Sorry, no glasses again!

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world XI playErs awards shortlist

If anyone really watches most competitive leagues in Europe, then it is not such a difficult task to identify the best soccer players from last season, 2007-2008. On top of those performances, the Euro 2008 shall not be considered because it doesn't consist all players in all European leagues. The FIFpro (Fédération Internationale des Associations de Footballers Professionnels) awards are voted for by 45,000 professional footballers across the world in a secret ballot. Voters must nominate four defenders, three midfielders, three forwards and a goalkeeper. The following shortlist's names are officially listed in the ordering as seen in the picture.

Goalkeepers: Boruc, Buffon, Casillas, Cech, van der Sar.

Defenders: Alves, Bosingwa, Cannavaro, Carvalho, Clichy, A Cole, Evra, Ferdinand, Lahm, Lucio, Maldini, Nesta, Pepe, Puyol, Ramos, Terry, Vidic, Zambrotta, Zanetti, Zhirkov.
Midfielders: Ballack, Deco, Essien, Fabregas, Gattuso, Gerrard, Iniesta, Kaka, Lampard, Mascherano, Pirlo, Ribery, Senna, Sneijder, Xavi.

Forwards: Arshavin, Berbatov, Drogba, Eto'o, Henry, Ibrahimovic, Messi, van Nistelrooy, Ronaldinho, Ronaldo, Rooney, Tevez, Toni, Torres, Villa.

For gods' sake, i would like to add up my tip here for those druken bureaucrats who select best players based on tabloids and advertisemments for some reasons that Adebayor (Arsenal's main striker) is not shortlisted here. For such case, if advertisement has more value, then David Beckham should be included if Buffon is. Anyway, here are my own provisional best XI selections according to the order of preference:

Goalkeeper: Van der Sar (bench: Cech)
Defenders: Alves, Ferdinand, Puyol, Canarvaro (Bench: Terry, Pepe, Bosingwa, Zanetti)
Midfielders: Fabregas, Kaka, Sneijder (Bench: Ballack, Lampard, Gerrard)
Forwards: Henry, Messi, C. Ronaldo ( Bench: Nistelrooy, Villa, Rooney)

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PS: the final World XI and the FIFPro World Player of the Year will be announced on October 27.