sElf compromising

Every new single starting-out,

Comes from some startings end.

Every then-and-now i joined the game,

I wasn't being played with a fair extent.

Have ya ever persisted devoting with some1

Who hurted your heart

And ya anyhow sticked with them

For you was unable bearing to part?
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Every time i tried to close the door,

...Moment passed,

I still wanted to see that same door opened.

And for i've always been so clear as glass.

Have ya ever attempted to be forward-moving

With a true longing to forget

While your head is advising you

That you will regret?

Every word i wanted to be meant 'goodbye'

Different words were mouthed.

With another madness erased,

I every now and then surrendered my shouts.

Have ya ever tried to march-on

With wounds which are hard to heal

And make-believe things are all right

When, still, there's great deal of pain you could feel?

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rEbuilding,

a path of angEr that is EndEd

This Fall cozy dawn has poised me to stay awake with this beating rhythm i could now feel from the box of my chest. Every beating is telling me things which are to be compromised with this yet feeling that is oriented toward a supposed grievance. As a result, i am now starting to reconsider the attitude course of my once-in-a-long-while frustration. I hadn't been that pissed-off(about things in general) for a quite long time. Before since, no matter what negative things i felt, or even things about the relationship ones, anger had been somewhere always down the list. I usually remind myself that every day i live with is a meditation lesson toward improving my life course into very less negative as possible as that it could be. But, for this sudden moment, i'm regretting.

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The pull of history, of the past habit formed over few years before years ago - and which was very hard to separate from - has gotten back and haunted me. It was too laced with my commitment, a pure commitment of what one may hard to possess, a decisive commitment for an unknown result. Just as the habit was lost to me forever, the striking act of binding myself to an expected reaction began. That strike had brought the fragility to the present beautiful bond, and it came to pass before that meditation lesson was fulfilled...

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There had been in my then-life, a sort of conditioning about how bad i was with my temper..., how bad i was so always angry,... and how bad i was to always carry my continuous anger and express it. It came from many directions, not just my failed relationships. I hate to look back and see that i had always had a temper, hate to realise that i just have boiled that temper, and hate to feel that at some points, the temper became the thing that defines me. To people outside the friendship zone, i am just a someone with my own distinctive way of life. To those whom once experienced my temper, i am basically just known to be explosive and wild in my anger, and i can't seem to avoid that label. There just came a point where they somehow considered that nothing i felt was valid or worth discussing or fixing because everything fell under the category of 'Sopheak's temper'.

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For i have now decided to bind myself in a light i want to live and enjoy with, i fundamentally get to this point where i need to change from being reasons and perfections oriented to just easily accept easier approaches and to approach the easiest thing to do in order to cope with the way to avoid an unpopular life. And i will, starting from today, stop expressing anger and anythings that resemble it. Will try to swallow it and will say YES when i mean NO; will always go along; and submit. Being understanding that the minute i raise a concern or objection, i'll be categorised as 'angry or mad' or 'temperamental' and whatsoever i feel will lead to the labels . I really need not to see that my feeling will be swept aside and considered worthless with the two mentioned labels they're based on. And, therefore, i'll never need to address my objection with whatever words to resolve my tension; doing so i will lose the person's interest or love or whatsoever specials in their insides.

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In a manner that facilitates, let the truth again slice into me that i must purge myself with the agony i cannot now concede. I'm ashamed to voice this out loud, but there it is. I must stop myself before i again get to that place where i'm too near to saying the things that may turn the person away from me. Because this is not what i want to do. I don't want to lose people for trying to express what and how i feel, or for asking questions for better understandings. Hence, I must not speak. I must stop. I must let my voice trail off. And I also must, just in case to ignore the hurting facts, instead make some fatuous speeches that will allow me to safely retreat.

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Do i sound guilty here? Are the above, apologetic paragraphs? I seem not to be able to answer these questions. I used to feel emptiness had built a home in this self's effort to not attain goals, to not enable me to share any space of my life with people or any special individuals, unceasingly. I felt the full weight of me upsetting and disappointing people had blamed back at me. It blamed me for i had used too many reasons for myself being angry, too many reasons for perfections. And to the deep of the actuality, i felt justified enough in feeling the angers. I had every basis to feel so..., i had every reason to feel it, and quite frankly, i felt it so rightly - but only that at some points it was appealing to me that every of my reasons had broken people's trusts and beliefs put in me. And so, all the consequences fell on me because the weights of commitment i invest there in the deal were always heavier.

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At this time period, i just want a continuous one more day with whom, to me, i can't afford to break her feeling. I will try to push aside the fact that there will be no more problems coming in, those which just keep constantly rehashing the same old ones. Will also fight against the growing feeling that i was not happy, that my belief and hope had turned into something where each and everyday i had to be less confident. The roller coaster between these uncertain feelings and 'happy' had been somewhat too insane in which i wish not to go by again. No matter what goes on i'll put my thought on a line, the line that borders facts and lies.

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The truth always comes to the surface, and it's doing just that. And i don't want my heart to be just one big black hole of despair again and...again, ...in another time; ...and repeating.
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parts of mE

Part of me feels like i've never undergone thru that emo.

Images from recent memories flash across the dim of the evening.
Scene after scene, this heart is felt as being drilled.
Hole after hole, pain is growing too heavy to bear; can't let go.

Part of me tells how 'encountering' shall never be soon again seen.

But, the passing of days makes it even more unbearable.

Mindlessly hoping for the light at the end of the tunnel,

there the lack of self-sureness is just no longer weighing in.

Part of me often proves people wrong over my writing and speech.
Through words of mouth, no one knows i am a fragile sum1,
just like a thin piece of lace, they saw me as a solid string.
Only when the misery takes place, here's all about the breach.

Part of me reminds me of those pasts where failures rained down.
One record of failing at a time, memory stained my history.
As much as experiences hurted me: in a strange way, i needed it.
'That which hurts also instructs.', a saying said; and that's how it sounds.

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rEbuilding,

lEtting go, building up.

It was quite a long while, in a specific period of time, for i used to be wholly brutal and hardhearted toward relationships - getting involved with people, then tossing them aside. My adult romance life had become somewhat an angry and bitter hunger. One after one...and after one, footprints came and went disappeared. Looking back at times, none of the relationship i walked with had walked in steps with me. I just didn't exactly know how; it was just that the possibilities never seemed to be hoping. I saw myself those days through those grey and dirty moments and realised those plans appeared to be unrealistic. Indeed, it felt good, back before everything in my entire life had changed, to take some concrete steps and to feel some progress. But, in going through all i've been through and through... again and again... in the last five years - there were some of the regressions. I was repeatedly astounded by the way i had to be that relationship-playing type of guy. How could i not analyze everything that was happening to me - the things i did..., the feeling i felt...?

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When i was in my pre-mid-twenty, i thought i had found one right commitment. Which was, i thought i had found a real mature life's trend i was going to belong to, and more importantly, the person whom i was going to be belonged. A long while back then, i believed in fate in a demonstrated amount, though now it's nothing, but laughable. 'Fate' had been playing a great deal in putting my belief into predestination to survive in relationships. whatever happened then, it was just all fated. Without thinking of various alternatives, i was just stuck with an option. Without finding initiatives to restore a bitterness, i did wrongly turn the bitterness in spreading great deal feedback on others. It seems that the most amorous part of my life had been spent with just that very first 'someone' - though, few years later, i limped off with another. Before then, i had walked my life in between predestination and complete free will; i did always believe in both. I experienced some things in life, more often than not, as simply being fated; but, in general, people do always have the right and ability to choose if they would or not follow those fates.
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I genuinely don't know what the future holds, and for now, there is nothing but the present moment, which, in the opposite way of the above brutal and hardhearted manner, i feel like there's a real light in my heart - as of late . This light expands with thoughts that make me smile. It seems now i am letting these thoughts of my most ever hopeful time flow through me for a while, wishfully, forever. I'm just being optimistic for now and hoping for these thoughts to keep flowing and mingling, and the light of this heart will seem to be growing. Guess by then i will just relax and feel this inside light fill me everlastingly - with a soft, gentle, and magical glow. And even in the face of this uncertainty of wishing, i would love to have it no other way than i'd love to do as it is right now: the will to be, the steps i am taking.
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aftEr a nap

After a nap...

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...yet it has come to be this isolation that i, at this very moment, could only look to myself to recall the way the possibility all began. For the disarray and constant desire for something more than this, i am now striving to find this clear being that i envision, yet i seem to miss and confuse. Could it be that because i am sensing emptiness or that because i am feeling a little loss? Or could it be for the reason that i am finding myself as lonesome or because i am hastening for a constant happiness for any costs (though i seem cannot afford a highly rated one)? I believe this never-ending anxiousness is something that i am yet living deep inside no matter how well i could self protect the illusion of my thought from being depicted in regard of disporting one's mind...

Shall i get back to sleep? ===> Mentally, nop; physically, yep!

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an autumn aftEnoon - day sixth

Today's Autumn afternoon has grown so cold and windy.
I woke up late feeling happy blended with dizzy.
Having tried to touch keyboards to describe the feeling.
But too bad i could not sense all of my sudden well-being...
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The Autumn afternoon had withdrawn into itself.
And left me feeling frozen inside like a gel.
Raindrops kept pouring into existence from a leaking sky.
Polishing off my idle mind as later the grey afternoon turned bright...
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The wind had blown the rain into nonentity.
That looked as if the 2 nature things trying to conquer the territory.
I could soon tell how fast the rain would disappear.
Just as the wind blustering torrential rain with no fear...
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'Wind' and 'rain' are seemed the afternoon's two metaphors.
Which keeps urging on me to battle in life like going to a real war.
And though at times menaces may somehow take place.
Unlike a prisoner, i then sure won't surrender with a disgrace...
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I've learnt a past can't be changed and a future is still in my list.
Finger crossed, one day i could soon make it accomplished.
There is no corner, no dark place, no room a desire can't be fulfilled.
And if the world starts causing waves, it's our devotion that makes them still...
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Here're all the thoughts the afternoon has taught and reminded.
With the two metaphors of 'wind' and 'rain' which are combined.
By inducing a hope this self have thrilled to thrive.
I just keep prompting myself, i will live each day to come with no alibi...

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rEbuilding

an ExpirEd dignity, a onE timE thing!

BLOGSPOT! Once in a long while, i am back. Three months without posting here, has been somewhat so persistent to the mind of this self. Though Wordpress has become, instead, continually a trash bin where to digest most of my crappy paragraphs, the thing is, i feel like i just could no longer stick there having my posts blamed back at me every time i log in; i feel like i need to do something here and there. For some reasons i am back with this Blogspot with a revealing and a sorriness to extend.
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In the wake of this self's ever greatest worthlessness, i would have preferred doing otherwise or living otherwise, or would have that a-just-one-time-history taken place at nowhere and in no time. What i meant by a history here, is a brand new history. How could i ever let myself got overcome by things, an ever purest desire ever. Things which were foreign to me..., they settled in..., little by little they destroyed my dignities for just a glimpse of a feeling of being belonging to ones. They began to rule. When i was in years before those yesterdaysss, this isn't the life i dreamed of. I didn't dream of this self influenced life because i wasn't this type of person. I was full of proud and dignity. As soon as i started opening my door for just a one time possibility..., my self-worth fell apart. Now i have the impression that my this-minute-life today doesn't correspond to my true nature. Not at all; not even a very tiny bit. I have the impression that i have not changed. Still full of dignity and proud, but unable to prove it to others..., so i am alone and the only one in this so-called self-regard. And that is so simply and ugly awful if counted with the deed. Like a spider man i wear a mask. Mentally i am fine, but historically i am ill.

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To have built up so far a strong model type of a guy, to have journeyed under a moral of obligation to do things, to have spat out words to reassure trusts - only to end up today with an expired dignity. This was not what this self had foretold. So, now i have seen it through - the worst part of relationship regardless whether or not it was because of wrong read feedback. There has been a strange mix of occurrences which all spread to my mind in such an odd, and later emotionally draining away.

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Light peeks through clouds; rain leaks through sky. I am really just hoping that this unforgiven deed and this self remorse will later have really begun to give way to a return trust and a compassion that support a willingness to forgive. And this is more than i could ask for...

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a lEttEr in filE

Blogging has been kinda tough lately. It may be because i have no thought or emotion that lasts long enough to do anything with it, to take a part in it, or to write about it. I've questioned myself a few times wondering if i would ever be the kind of a person who actively like to reveal past relationships to others publicly. I guess this is the part where i'll tell people a little bit about myself, my L-life. The matter has taken over every aspect of my life and my now-a-day personality - it has been inevitable. Mostly, when matters happened, I'd never debate how open i should be about it, even with those whom are closest to me. I apparently don't want what to be said just to be what spoken out to inform everyone, and then said no more. But, the situation here has been too cruel for me to contain inside, and that keeps urging on me earnestly trying to end my curiosity, and thus i feel as though i need to post the below letter for a REASON. After once, twice, and triple time of reading, i realised those thoughtful intentions, speeches & commitment were made and spoken out in a very wrong time being - irrespective of the above reason. I mean... i then miswrote, i then misunderstood the whole situation. So this seems i have a pattern here in an effort to note down a self-reminding remark and to leave as a recorded document of my ill-timed moments.
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There you read an eight-months-ago-written-and-sent-letter :

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"...If i am not wrong, i have not replied to you two emails and three times offline messages. I am doing alright here with my own way of life, just to let you know. How about you? How have you been doing in Cambodia. How's family and parents? How's everything there? I believe today is your birthday. I planned to choose today to talk to you as i have been so sure that i could never ignore you on this special day of yours. So here.... Happy Birthday To You!!!! All the best of lucks to you as well as your family, especially your parents. I hope they are doing great, healthy and happy as you wish them to be.

To be very honest, I do not loath you as you said. I've been instead thinking of you DAILY cuz i could feel like everything is still hanging around. Sometimes, I was happy because I was not able to think of you for the whole day, or maybe I was, but chose to ignore the thoughts. I'm beginning little by little to learn how to love myself and not entertain your presence. But, sometimes I still feel emotional and choose to think of the past and the good memories we had, even I know that it would worsen my situation.

Till today's date, it has been exactly one year, since the first day i hesitantly admitted my daring-love and instead got your false confession. Please don't get me wrong here for that i aim at blaming you by saying all this. If everything was meant to be true, that should be me to be blamed cuz i believe i had done something so wrongful to you while we were in that false love assumption. Frankly, i felt so betraying to your wish of wanting me to be your first-only-and-last love. I always consider time we did spend together as lovers is a close companion that goes along with me on my life journey. It reminds me to cherish each moment because, deep inside, i somehow could sense that it will never come back once again.

Destiny cannot be shaped or molded; even if it can be by some means, it's still a destiny of the destiny. So, there something has to be done between us, and we need to follow up. I'd like to apologize to you here for that i have been so long quiet. However, in order to have a relief outcome for the future, i need to have a break from the past. And for this i need a time. Yet, time and perspective have tempered my feelings, given me better understanding. And the fact that you and i are now becoming two complete someone(s) has turned this into something bittersweet for me, a chance to correct some assumptions, a chance for some redemption for both ends.

When i don't talk to you that does not mean i don't want the conversation nor to hear from you; from the deep down, i do, really want to converse. It is not because i don't think of you, because i do. It is not because i don't miss you, because i miss you already... Almost every day and every night, I fight this feeling, and i try as I might, but I can't win. It seems like, everything we've done and every word i heard from you since that last day you had admitted the fact, have captured my heart and my heart won't be able to escape from that grasp. And it pains me the most to learn that you can envision your life without me. It pains me to know that our supposed love has come to an end. It pains me to know that the love i have for you burns within that one day.

I strongly believe we have a certain destiny in our lives, and i'll be standing here to see how our story ends. I'd promise to you that i'll always keep in touch with you no matter what happens next, unless my life may circumstantially at any small chance ends. Here's my address just in case you will need for some reasons: '.........'

In a while, a long while, or a very long while, if you won't hear from me, i am here now begging you for an understanding. An understanding that i am still always be the one for you, the one that you so like but not love, regarding your valuations on me within your previous e-mail. I will always position myself this close to you until there's a man who could win your heart cuz then i know i will envy that only man, and give in. But, we'll be two someone(s) contacting each other still.

This far and up to now - i'd admit i still could feel you... i am still loving you silently alone. But, i will keep my promise to hold on to what i supposed. I just wish that somehow this heart of mine would learn to be contented - contented to be just missing you. Yet, so deep inside... there're many reasons i already knew as a stand block to not let this one side romance relationship working out fruitfully. It's not the miles that separate us, the moments do it all. Once again, Happy Birthday To You! May this great day brings you all of the possibilities you ever wish for...

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Take a great care..."

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So here i feel for myself: there was something which is one of the sweetest memorable experience of a lifetime, and now turns into a something which equals to a nothing here. Still, it's a lesson, a support, and a willingness to help me put my broken L-life back together into one whole piece again - and for which i will always be grateful.
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nEw yEar rEsolution

It's once again New Year, my Khmer New Year. Every year i come up with different innovative resolutions to get fulfilled. Some get accomplished, while some remain abandoned, and most of which - the hardest part - is the releasing of unwanted chronicle events. I sometimes find myself thinking about the history and memories, and the resolutions versus the possibilities of its outcome, and then there came a point for me where i had to stop conceiving all i'd been through, all i could be or become, and focus on just what was, what i could acquire the most - but when everything is said and done, these endless things still haunt me.
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I struggled then and yet i am still so hard struggling here. Two questions raised here are: why are those histories worth sticking with my memory? Why can it be not just a climax point to straighten out my life to be just 'for better or for worse'? I wish i had a set of answers for this!?!? The idea of letting go of the history has been continuing to be a very difficult task for me. Because of those distinct events, i have maintained myself as an obsolete someone, as someone who would be just a doormat, a someone who would get out there and have entirely different attitude about the whole thing from others.

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For now, i have started to walk my life with this blogging thingy again. I have come to a phase where i will start from a frozen point - a below zero degree. I have been by self nurtured to learn to live with those memories and history. I have yet no any anticipation of fulfillment that I can do anything with them besides moving them somewhere more distant from my day-to-day thoughts. I want they are just there, not within my reach (for my own sake), though not completely forgotten.

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So here, there's no more drama of New Year resolutions. The plan now is to just live, by allowing the thoughts and feelings acknowledge the cruel facts, but then stop before i dive into its misery. I don't want to deny, but i don't wanna let it consume me anymore.
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Goodbye resolution!
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loss in mE

I did spend quarter of a year prior the arrival of my coming-back-home wishing that my life was possibly settled. For a never-do-well like me, with the tendencies and issues that i have, the impressions of instability and chaos are so dirty hard to live with and work through. Ever since i two months ago made it once again to step on this city, Phnom Penh - things have happened and are happening...

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Passing through the very late of 2008 and the very early of 2009, i was so deep in thought for a turning point that i knew i had to take a real concrete step towards creating whatever sense of stability and normalcy i could, erasing what's embedded in the head, no matter how valuable those memories and dignities are... And while i've done some concrete plans, a lot of things have not been really working on myself and the way i see and handle things. Beyond this said things, various states of extreme confusion and disorder even more cursedly have fallen out over my family's fate. We lost one of our greatest beings... Warmth among family members and relatives started to breach... Dignity and faith wherein family have been spoiled... Wealth and fame have been damaged... Plans have been ruined... Tears have been dry-cried... Relationships and loves have been poisonous broken... Chaos occurs... Again, i'm forthwith mourning inside with this blog alone.
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Here, i wonder!?! When will i find a chance to have the rest of this entire life be untouched by the negativity and sadness. May be then i will feel right in the head. I really can't shake the feeling that i am being this ruined by fate. I am still so insanely frustrated by this, because i don't really feel that i have a life to live for this figure of mine. My frustration and sadness are still a part a definition of me, and yet i'm trying so hard to move past them, or at least to be able to place them somewhere less consuming. I know that at this point, that will be the right thing for my well-being, for my healing and starting over.
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Thou i wished... i mourned... i complained... i wrote... i planned... i strived... i took steps, still nothing could be done. And so... i've lost in myself. It is a sharp pain to the heart, just like a storm of pain waiting to brew.

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Without a doubt it's a loss.
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