a lovE trianglE song

Sleep sleep sleep.... is the only hardest task i can't accomplish during the night. Night night night.... seems so calm, and instead there are only wind, snow and rain show its' actions. Action action action.... i can't react, but mourn inside my shabby torn apart chest. Chest chest chest.... you're working just too hard to burden those cruelties, and just to survive my daily life. You're sick now; You're officially sick now; you're going to explode now. I am sorry for that i can't find any medicines to heal your inside wounded pieces. Everything i have wanted disappears from sight one by one. I can't find any reasons to wake up each morning. I've been trying so hard, but can't seem to make anything right again. I really can't escape this hell. My life keeps falling apart no one would ever understand this pain inside me. By facing this pain each day, my heart sinks lower and lower in my chest. Tho i try to block it out from sinking down in accordance not to enable the pain, nothing seems ever help, and i just wanna scream all the days that come and go which is each filled with pain. When i know my heart is broken, when my tongue stops talking, when i need to cry but my eyes are dry then i know i am in pain. When i feel the deepest cut, when i have no reason to live, when i feel my heart needs supply, when i see the morning as night, when my eyes closed cuz i feel frighten and when i feel that i have no soul, then i know i am in pain. When it happens all i can do is nothing, but write it out to express as my hurted feeling progresses.

I am drinking now again. I drink to put myself into asleep again. I drink to heal my wounds inside my heart again. I drink to numb all those painful wounds inside my soul again.... and again. 1st bottle, 2nd bottle, 3 bottle...., is just a quantity for the length of time i no longer be awake. I am not a drunkard i would assure, I am not an alcoholic i would admit. My dad, back then, used to teach me how to drink to heal some problems and diseases, but i was never be able to learn it. Now that i've learnt it by hard and heart when i am invloving with all these happening facts. I am now listening to a song, a Love Triangle song. I don't know why i am so into this song recently, during these weeks. I am this awake just to listen to it and drink along with it. I am in no way referring to someone by posting this song. No one should be blamed in Love Triangle. Love is all about suffering, understanding and forgiving. But, somehow, what the song's lyrics say seems so heartbreaking. He loves her, he cares for her but all he gets back is pain, pain of loss, pain of death. It feels as if he drives a selfish dagger into his own chest cuz he has seen that the kindness in him has been forgotten and never to be found. The sky and those trees moan from the pain they know he burdens. She has brought the pain that he can never forget about what she does to him. She has killed the love he could have brought; she kills what is left of him.

Having been living till this age, i learn that love, it only exists in fairytales. Pain is the only thing that i know for sure is real. No happily ever after. Pain is the only proof to prove my existence is true in life. Pain fuels my will to fight for hopes and to continue living my life longer, in order to eventually show the world that i am so unfair treated to be part of it, to eventually show those i used to hurt that i am sorry, to eventually show the ones i love that i am worth a faithful relationship with each of them. My hope of having a wonderful love is just seemed like the cloud in my judgement. I guess i might don't ever have great love in the future since i can only feel despair and pain ahead. No fairytale ending for me, but only an on going torment.

Having finished my fifth bottle, my face is yet to get red. Guess it can't be red cuz all i can see on my face right now in the mirror is a face painted with color of darkness of pain, which is born from that sorrow, and which is once sung by me, heard by me and understood only by me....sigh....