so wEak....

"It's going to be okay!"....this is a consoling sentence which is oftenly repeated from my remembrance; it keeps echoing in my head and keeps encouraging me to strive my daily well-being. I know i will eventually get past all of these unwanted realisms, but that's not where i am right now. Where the hell am i now? What the hell am i doing now? Why am i so frustrated at myself without a single day break? When will all my sadness, frustration and furiousness be no longer too much to bear? I can't stand myself anymore; can't stand with the amount of anger i feel toward myself each day for the reason that i have let it be my second, third, fourth until this hundredth - believing that it wouldn't be such immense; can't stand with the fact that i have reached the point where i can no longer be able to describe my feelings in words. I am feeling so weak again now; ....so weak due to the hint from my hard breathing chest telling me that i am going to get sick at this very next moment; ....so weak due to the reason that i stayed in the rain for hours - this evening; ....so weak cuz i aimed at washing those curses on me under those falling rain; ....so weak cuz i had to stay pretty long with those pouring rain to wash those tears that stain my face and those pains & memories that won't go away!!!!