i need somE big guts

I see my daily life as an unsolved puzzle board which each piece and clue of unmanageble and unending riddle is scattered. I always end up in the same place: frustrated, angry and hurt over trying so hard and being so open and ending up empty. Tellingly, if possible, i prefer not to be in contact with people besides those few exceptional ones. It isn't that i do hate being socialized, but i'm afraid people might be unable to accept my this-moment-type-of-me and vice versa.

Despite anything to the contrary, i lately feel as though i am so lack of having a feeling of delight at being entertained because of the self-entitled-motto type, outcaste. Though it's the only term i consider as best corresponding to the emphatic form of me, i am, somehow, in a need of entertaining from others still. As yet, i have been battling with what has got to be this stupid rediculous decision ever: involve or not to be involved with people? Should or shouldn't i? I know i could always bring together in peer groups, but to do so i need some big GUTS to tear off that self entitled term. Whatever this might have been, only time proves it all.