my plEdgE

....MY EVERY BREATH IS A SIGH, AND WITH EVERY BLINK OF MY EYES, TEARS OF BLOOD FELL TO THE GROUND~I PLEDGE MY FREAKEN DAMN LIFE THAT FROM TODAY ONWARD I'LL BE A DIFFERENT "ME"~TONIGHT TELLS ME ALL~I CAN'T NEVER PREDICT THE FUTURE, BUT TONIGHT GIFTS ME THAT TRUE PRESENT~NOW THAT I KNOW IT AND FEEL IT, AND I HAVE TO PICK THIS PATH~IT HAS TO COME TO IMMEDIATE EFFECT AFTER TOMORROW AWAKENING~FOR THIS IS MY LIFE, FULL OF LOSS, FAITHLESS, HOPELESS; SO LET IT BLEEDS....

!?!?!?!

....I can never explain the feeling I have had over these last dayssss, it seems months or even years, maybe it is because every moment I have encountered been filled with memories playing over and over in my mind, sweet and bitter memories.... The beat after beat sounds of the state of being sorry that clenches my stomach is beyond comprehension, to live another day without her would not be living, you are my breath, my pulse, you make me whole.... Time does play important roles in cementing 2 individuals' relationship regarding love.... When the feeling of wanting and missing reaches its climax level, each or both of the 2 lovers will require more time to contact, to meet, to see, to talk, to be together as well as to belong to one another.... The more they expect from each other the more they tend to be much disappointed once their expectations are turned down, or ruined, or in the mid of something.... It is in some cases resulting in loosing the strong tight bond of relationship or even breaking the relationship.... There are so many people around me, yet knowing only counting to few.... So many words of mine to be spoken, but barely being able to communicate.... So many things to be done, but have no time to view. So many places to see, yet having no spare time to explore…. At night I am afraid to go to bed, though I am so weary from emotion.... When I fall, I wake when it is still dark and try as I might to go back to sleep, I cling to my pillow and know that I must occupy my mind to keep from dying of missing.... So many things i have yet to get accomplished.... I would admit i have not done anything successfully, not even to be able to try to have enough and proper sleep.... Yet, my mind is right now screwing up as winded clouds.... Once again, i have no idea what am i talking about....SiGh....

plEase

plz love me today and love me tomorrow
plz love me till i forget all my sorrows.

plz kiss me and make the painful wounds in my heart go away
plz kiss me and tell me everything will soon be okay.

plz hold me and hug me tightly close to you
plz hold me and whisper sweet words that are true.

plz cuddle me and lay me on your bed
plz cuddle me from my toes to my head.

plz trust me for that i sometimes lose my temper
plz trust me everytime i tell you my whisper.

plz love me, kiss me, hold me, cuddle me, & trust me more
and if you can't do that at least for once then just let me through that door.

rEbuildinG,

a lovE trianglE song

Sleep sleep sleep.... is the only hardest task i can't accomplish during the night. Night night night.... seems so calm, and instead there are only wind, snow and rain show its' actions. Action action action.... i can't react, but mourn inside my shabby torn apart chest. Chest chest chest.... you're working just too hard to burden those cruelties, and just to survive my daily life. You're sick now; You're officially sick now; you're going to explode now. I am sorry for that i can't find any medicines to heal your inside wounded pieces. Everything i have wanted disappears from sight one by one. I can't find any reasons to wake up each morning. I've been trying so hard, but can't seem to make anything right again. I really can't escape this hell. My life keeps falling apart no one would ever understand this pain inside me. By facing this pain each day, my heart sinks lower and lower in my chest. Tho i try to block it out from sinking down in accordance not to enable the pain, nothing seems ever help, and i just wanna scream all the days that come and go which is each filled with pain. When i know my heart is broken, when my tongue stops talking, when i need to cry but my eyes are dry then i know i am in pain. When i feel the deepest cut, when i have no reason to live, when i feel my heart needs supply, when i see the morning as night, when my eyes closed cuz i feel frighten and when i feel that i have no soul, then i know i am in pain. When it happens all i can do is nothing, but write it out to express as my hurted feeling progresses.

I am drinking now again. I drink to put myself into asleep again. I drink to heal my wounds inside my heart again. I drink to numb all those painful wounds inside my soul again.... and again. 1st bottle, 2nd bottle, 3 bottle...., is just a quantity for the length of time i no longer be awake. I am not a drunkard i would assure, I am not an alcoholic i would admit. My dad, back then, used to teach me how to drink to heal some problems and diseases, but i was never be able to learn it. Now that i've learnt it by hard and heart when i am invloving with all these happening facts. I am now listening to a song, a Love Triangle song. I don't know why i am so into this song recently, during these weeks. I am this awake just to listen to it and drink along with it. I am in no way referring to someone by posting this song. No one should be blamed in Love Triangle. Love is all about suffering, understanding and forgiving. But, somehow, what the song's lyrics say seems so heartbreaking. He loves her, he cares for her but all he gets back is pain, pain of loss, pain of death. It feels as if he drives a selfish dagger into his own chest cuz he has seen that the kindness in him has been forgotten and never to be found. The sky and those trees moan from the pain they know he burdens. She has brought the pain that he can never forget about what she does to him. She has killed the love he could have brought; she kills what is left of him.

Having been living till this age, i learn that love, it only exists in fairytales. Pain is the only thing that i know for sure is real. No happily ever after. Pain is the only proof to prove my existence is true in life. Pain fuels my will to fight for hopes and to continue living my life longer, in order to eventually show the world that i am so unfair treated to be part of it, to eventually show those i used to hurt that i am sorry, to eventually show the ones i love that i am worth a faithful relationship with each of them. My hope of having a wonderful love is just seemed like the cloud in my judgement. I guess i might don't ever have great love in the future since i can only feel despair and pain ahead. No fairytale ending for me, but only an on going torment.

Having finished my fifth bottle, my face is yet to get red. Guess it can't be red cuz all i can see on my face right now in the mirror is a face painted with color of darkness of pain, which is born from that sorrow, and which is once sung by me, heard by me and understood only by me....sigh....

mourning thE loss

The pain of loss is just too much at this moments of mine. I am now sick of pretending it's all perfect and tired of returning back those hurts. I am so sick of living this life and tired of being blue & been stuck in this middle of nowhere. Loss is just a simple word which has a very thunderous effective meaning. It screams out at me and it draws my blood up and down, what a LOSS! I am fainted now cuz of this sick missing feeling. When that completion changes to being shattering, that's what full is just an emptiness, and guided becomes lost. The security of my realisation is now fading to memory. The images of love at the same time become dreams. The feeling of those sensations are now ebbing away by causing the state of being companied becomes loneliness again. Why do i still feel the loss down so deep in my soul. When will i be able to understand it all so that my heart can be whole, not in these pieces. I really don't want to think that my life is just a mess and consider the suicide is the only option i have, to be known i do exist.

*

Ohhhh lord,,,, i am so wondering how great is my greif, and how few is my joy i have been being offerred by you?!? Am i a cursed being or what? Are you gonna comit my suicide? Are you gonna push me untill i die? Now that you're stealing my breath every bit by bit. Soon.... i am sure you'll step by step strangle and choke me and will personally take me to my grave. If it is what you're content to do...., i will sure let you watch me as i fade away.... You're stealing my breath now, stopping my heart now, destroying my little everything now,,,, Ohhhh lord!

timE and timE again

Time and time again,
there's never enough time for everyone.

Time and time again,

there's never enough time to care.

Time and time again,

there's never enough time to love.

Time and time again,

there's never enough time to write.

Time and time again,

there's never enough time to read.

Time and time again,
there's never enough time to learn.

Time and time again,

there's never enough time to lead.

Time and time again,

there's never enough time to play.

Time and time again,

there's never enough time to sleep.

Time and time again,

there's never enough time to talk.

Time and time again,

there's never enough time to try.

Time and time again,
there's never enough time to want.

Time and time again,

there's never enough time to make a difference.

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Time and time again,
there`s always time to get hurt.

Time and time again,

there`s always time to wonder.

Time and time again,

there`s always time to be silly.

Time and time again,

there`s always time to cause mistake.

Time and time again,

there`s always time to be sad.

Time and time again,

there`s always time to get blame.

Time and time again,

there`s always time to be mad.

Time and time again,

there`s always time to feel sorry.

Time and time again,

there`s always time to work.

Time and time again,

there`s always time to feel guilty.

Time and time again,

there`s always time to lose.

Time and time again,

there`s always time to be disappointed.

Time and time again,

there`s always time for no one, WHY?!?

rEbuildinG,

arsEnal goEs clEar as duE draw

Carlos Tevez scored a dramatic injury-time equaliser to give Manchester United a point as they drew 1-1 with Tottenham but surrended their place at the top of the Barclays Premier League to Arsenal.

Dimitar Berbatov looked like he had given Juande Ramos' outfit all three points with his 14th goal of the season in the 21st minute at White Hart Lane. But an outswinging corner from Luis Nani found Tevez inside the six-yard box and his shot took a deflection off Michael Dawson before it went past goalkeeper Radek Cerny. The result sees Sir Alex Ferguson's side fall two points behind Arsenal who claimed a 3-1 win over Manchester City in the day's early kick-off.
Emmanuel Adebayor was the hero for the Gunners at Eastlands as he struck twice to down City.
The Togo International opened the scoring for Arsene Wenger's side in the ninth minute with a close-range finish after good work down the right by Bacary Sagna.
Adebayor then had a hand in Arsenal's second in the 26th minute when he headed Gael Clichy's cross back across goal for Eduardo Da Silva, who produced a superb finish on the turn.
Sven Goran Eriksson's side pulled one back through Gelson Fernandes two minutes later but Adebayor hit his 21st goal of the season in the 88th minute to seal the points for the Gunners.

Liverpool's wretched league run came to an end as three second-half goals against Sunderland sealed a 3-0 victory and eased the pressure on the team and manager Rafael Benitez.

Jermain Defoe paid back part of his transfer fee after he netted on his debut to give Portsmouth a point in a 1-1 draw with Chelsea at Fratton Park. Nicolas Anelka had put Chelsea 1-0 up with a close-range finish in the 55th minute after good work by Joe Cole down the right flank.
But former Spurs striker Defoe seized on Milan Baros' header and directed his shot into the bottom-left corner of the net to pull Pompey level nine minutes later.

Emanuel Villa headed a dramatic equaliser two minutes from time to give Derby a point in a 1-1 draw with Birmingham at St Andrews. Sebastian Larsson's 68th-minute strike had given the Blues the lead but Villa latched on to a cross from Dean Leacock to equalise for Paul Jewell's side.
Reading remain without a win in 2008 after they suffered a 2-0 defeat to Bolton at the Madejski Stadium.

Kevin Nolan made amends for Matthew Taylor's 23rd-minute penalty miss when he smashed home Kevin Davies' knockdown past goalkeeper Marcus Hahnemann 10 minutes later to open the scoring. Gary Megson's side doubled their advantage in the 58th minute when Heidar Helguson latched on to Taylor's cross before he stroked the ball home.

Wigan climbed out of drop zone after Kevin Kilbane headed home a Ryan Taylor free-kick on the stroke of half-time to give them a 1-0 victory over West Ham at the JJB Stadium.
Elsewhere Blackburn and Everton played out a goalless draw at Ewood Park.

brokEn trust

Time goes by, life grows older. Weekends pass, weekdays replace. Things take turn, cycles move around. The sorrow comes and goes in life, tears come from the eyes, and i come across same same facts. The cycle of each my life's tastes arrives again, i can't escape, but to face it, bear with it, and mourn it. Pain....Pain....Pain.... comes and goes, but never long gone. Death causes pain; love causes pain; losing causes pain; missing causes pain; anger causes pain; hurt causes pain; crying causes pain; lying causes pain....; so many more causes pain. It had been a while since i last wept when there was ocean of sorrows running into the heart inside my so tight chest.... I then could do nothing, but to let tears flow down my cheeks. It has been my same same choice i often do to calm down my heart. It's always this better for me to take my sorrows out of my heart into tears. When anger or sorrow is surging, it's so d*** hard for me to control, but weep, just to sweep those sorrow and anger away with tears.

My anguishes are sometime building up so close to exploding cus of angers. I always have no second thoughts everytime my body shakes with anger. That line slowly starts to overstep the line of forgiveness, and, luckily, that never happens cus i never wish for it to happen. I am so wondering why recently anger has become my friends? Why recently i am so sensitive to getting angry? I sometimes feel my heart is empty everytime anger arises. It becomes cold as ice so as it reaches to break. That icy heart leaks out of water, and that water drips and slips away the trusts inside my heart. How can you trust someone if that someone has broken your trust? Those moments ....sigh....

Though trust is just a word, it still has its powerful & meaningful fact. It is a feeling that always worth achieving. It is to me a MUST. The warm inside my heart is fueled by the trust itself being given. It is so d*** hurtful when i, myself, can't give out trusts. I am now so scared to trust and being trusted. I used to break those....'s feelings, and, as well, used to be left broken inside. I am simply scared; it's not about others, it's about me, myself. Once each time it's left broken, the capability of building back up is getting weaker and weaker.

....yet, nothing is greater than the compassionate feelings and love that support my willingness to forgive. This compassionate feelings has always been inside me. Love and forgiveness are the only 2 advantageous feelings i possess just to share with those whom are meant to be given....

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rEbuildinG,

bottlEs of carlsbErg

Couldn't sleep any longer i woke up.... dang, that was about 6 am of my Saturday; poor me.... woke up this early Sat*. Tho i can remember every motion i moved and every word i wrote, yesternight was my only night i fell asleep without looking at the Clock; i fell asleep with no intention of sleeping. I'd say things happen for reasons and so did i....lol As far as i can recall, I started to be socialised drinking after i was done my 22. It was then a year afterward, few years ago, i consumed more limit of alcohol my body can bear. I then ended up puking out, and passed out on my friend's bed....; shame on me huh !?! Later that day i self promised i would never consume that much of the drinking again, drink not to puke. Few years later, which was last night, i apparently did drink over my limit again (i did it for few reasons), but look....i didn't break my rule; thank to my self-promising of puke-drinking. Though i am not that an official drinker, i can always socialize in drinking and could always be able to set my limit for not to throw up. It's not about being scared of puking, but it's about being a son of my parents :P I am obligatory to do so for a pride of them. Since that few-years-ago incident, i'd say i drink less than ten times a year, and mostly from 1 to 3 bottles (330ml). Em.... what else should i say? Well, it has been few hours now after i woke up. It seems like i am waiting to do something, but somehow i can't do it by now. Instead, to kill the time, i've been doing some of my house chores and reading some jokes to get myself out of that depressant mood. Here i got 2 jokes related to drinking to share; it is just kinda fairly funny to me. There it tells....
!

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Drunk

Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best lay in town!" Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, and the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just screwed your mom, and it was sweet!" Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!" Finally the guy interrupts. "Go home, Dad,... you're drunk!"

Classic affair
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent." The bartender handed the man a beer.
One Cent?" the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked: "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"
"A nickel," the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied: "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied: "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."

*

rEbuildinG,

blaming mysElf

It has been a long while I don't have any posts to publish. Been writing some self emotional stuffs to post for these past missing days, but somehow i don't have guts to publish them as new posts. These days passed.... I have been experiencing so many tastes ranking from excitements to heartaches. Guess why i have been this excited and heatbreaking? I'd say because of so many reasons and things which brought me into this. Guess why can't i have happy events to reveal? I'd say i do not even know myself. I have been questioning myself for so many times, but still i have yet to answer myself with some reasonable and acceptable sentences.

*

More than 24 hours have passed. I finally made it; i could hardly made it for these more than 24 hours even i never wanted to; i heartbrokenly made it for these more than 24 hours for that i never wish to. I guess i have lost my head to have acted so; i guess have betrayed myself to have read those unwanted sentences; i guess i have broken my promise to have spoken those words out. This isn't me i would admit, but who would believe that? Who would value that? I guess none....! All i can say by now is i did it because i prefer myself not to see, not to read, not to know and not to feel more of those actions and those pieces of information because i am afraid one day my anguishes will outweigh my warm trust; i am afraid one day i lose this valuable fact.
*
All these late weeks, i blame myself for the cold lonely moments no one will admit to aloud. I blame myself for all the broken promises wrought by circumstances beyond anyone's control. I blame myself for the back pressing against my bedhead every night. I blame myself for mumbling those unwanted words. I blame myself for wild anticipation of days that can hardly come. I blame myself for dreams woven of hopeless illusions. I blame myself for singing those sad songs. I blame myself for the nights that never have enough darknesses.... I blame myself for all of those people who are unlike me, blaming themselves....!?!

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rEbuildinG,